Should I get back with him?

[LunV93]

Hi everyone! I would like to get your opinion about my problem

I broke up with my boyfriend five months ago because he is not studying a degree and he is 25.
I study medicine and to study a degree is a big issue to me, I don't want to marry a man who didn't study a degree and I won't change my mind.

The problem is that he keeps promising he will study a degree and that he wants to do it for himself, because he wants to and not because I want him to do it. Now he says he will do it on August but he has been telling me this since we started dating almost four years ago, and for different reasons he has never done it. Now he is super convinced he will start studying a degree soon.

I started to see him again and I don't know if I should get back with him, I think I love him because I love to be with him, when I'm whith him* I feel really good,* I'm always laughing and happy, and he treats me so nice. I like lots of things of him but I don't know if it is possible* to love someone who you look down on, I don't admire him at all and I don't like the way he lived and the way he sometimes feel about life. Sometimes he makes me feel that I study a lot and that I should relax myself because he lives so more relaxed than I do.
I need to make a decison because I have been struggling with this for so long and I'm tired of feeling so confused.

Any advice would be much appreciated (:

[lillylove123]

Your relationship with him is like a see-saw. You will have to figure out what out-weighs the other thing: him making you happy vs him not having a degree.

Having a good think about what, for you, out-weighs the other and there you will find your answer.

[TheEvilJester]

Something like that shouldn't necessarily be the only important thing about a relationship, but the fact of the matter is that it can be important. I can understand why a guy not having a college degree would be somewhat make or break for you. You want to know that he can be on a relatively even plane with you financially. You want to trust that he can provide for you and for whatever family you two may have had in the future.

So, believe me, as much as it makes you almost feel a little wrong to leave somebody over money, the fact of the matter is it is NOT wrong. You are not the one making it about money, he is by insisting throughout your whole relationship that he had career aspirations only for that to prove to be a lie.

To be 100% honest, if that is the life he wants, that is perfectly fine. However, that is obviously NOT the life you want, and you've apparently been clear about that with him from the start. He misled you to believe you two were on the same page only to string you along and lie. What reason has he given you to believe he will change? What makes his promises more sincere now than the years you've already spent waiting for him to do something with his life only to be disappointed?

If you two agreed to live a lifestyle that didn't require him to have a college degree, then that would be fine. Instead, he pretended as though he wanted the same life you did, but refused to put in any of the work it takes to build that. That is NOT okay.

Personally, from experience, my advice to you would be not to take him back now or ever. That will have to be your decision, but if he hasn't changed in years, I find it doubtful he suddenly will now. Even if he does wind up finally going to college, chances are he will constantly have a life-long struggle with committing to any job because he obviously does not have the motivation to have a career.

Good luck to you.

[nootkan]

Building a relationship based entirely on financial needs will only lead to despair unless you can find someone who has the same aspirations as yourself. If he hasn't or is unwilling after 4 years of dating to find a degree then I doubt he has the aspiration to do so or even follow through with it if he indeed signs up just to appease you. I believe you already know the answer to your question but because you do have strong feelings for him you are procrastinating hoping that he will do what he says he will do. I believe you are at a crossroads where you will have to decide which is more important to you, your principles or your feelings for this man. Good Luck.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed that you cannot base a relationship strictly on financial needs. The thing is, that is obviously not what LunV is doing or she'd have left this guy a long time ago. The thing is, though financial status should not be the most important thing in a relationship, it IS important. If you want to start a family, own a home, have nice things, etc., that all takes money.

Now, if you are the type of person who doesn't want to work, or doesn't want a college degree or to commit to any kind of career, that is perfectly fine.... but you have to be willing to accept the compromises that requires. You can't expect never to work a day in your life, yet still expect to have your own home, start a family, own a nice car, buy all sorts of fun stuff, and so on. If you are okay with compromising that stuff, and so is your partner, then fine. Live your life, do your best, and enjoy. All the same, if you are NOT okay with giving that stuff up, then you have to do the work it takes to make it possible.

It sounds like LunV wants that kind of life. Her piece of the pie, so to speak. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It sounds, as well, like he acted as though he was on the same page, but that has obviously been a lie. The thing is, had he just been honest with her from the start, that would have allowed her to think about that, weigh her options, and decide if she can live with that or not. By lying to her about who he was and what he wanted out of life, he didn't give her that chance. Maybe she'd have been okay with making that work, maybe not and their relationship would have ended. If it was going to end over that, it would have been better to happen early.

I don't necessarily think that is what you were implying, though. But, to me it would be very different if she were considering dumping the guy because he didn't have a cool car, or because she was only interested in his money, or something like that. This is very different. She's not the one making it about money, he is. By misleading her to think they were on the same page, he led her to believe he was somebody working towards the same lifestyle she wanted, when apparently that was never the case.

Money should never be the most important thing in life, but that also doesn't mean you just throw all caution to the wind, do whatever the Hell you want and expect things to just be okay. True, you can never really be fully prepared for things in life because you never know what may happen..... but that doesn't mean you don't try.

[LunV93]

Something like that shouldn't necessarily be the only important thing about a relationship, but the fact of the matter is that it can be important. I can understand why a guy not having a college degree would be somewhat make or break for you. You want to know that he can be on a relatively even plane with you financially. You want to trust that he can provide for you and for whatever family you two may have had in the future.

So, believe me, as much as it makes you almost feel a little wrong to leave somebody over money, the fact of the matter is it is NOT wrong. You are not the one making it about money, he is by insisting throughout your whole relationship that he had career aspirations only for that to prove to be a lie.

To be 100% honest, if that is the life he wants, that is perfectly fine. However, that is obviously NOT the life you want, and you've apparently been clear about that with him from the start. He misled you to believe you two were on the same page only to string you along and lie. What reason has he given you to believe he will change? What makes his promises more sincere now than the years you've already spent waiting for him to do something with his life only to be disappointed?

If you two agreed to live a lifestyle that didn't require him to have a college degree, then that would be fine. Instead, he pretended as though he wanted the same life you did, but refused to put in any of the work it takes to build that. That is NOT okay.

Personally, from experience, my advice to you would be not to take him back now or ever. That will have to be your decision, but if he hasn't changed in years, I find it doubtful he suddenly will now. Even if he does wind up finally going to college, chances are he will constantly have a life-long struggle with committing to any job because he obviously does not have the motivation to have a career.

Good luck to you.

Thank you for your post (: I really have thought a lot about this, my ex has been working and saving money to finally enter college and that is the reason why I have been so confused. He is so excited about it but I think he is making excuses not to finally do it, like "I have to save more money" or "I'm having problems with my boss and I could get fired soon" So he says he is going to enter college in August but I don't know if I should keep waiting; maybe, as you have said, he is never going to change that attitude no matter if he actually gets a college degree. He still makes me think he wants the same lifestyle I want, but deep inside I think he isn't being serious enough. Thank you so much for answering my post, you helped me to think clearly

[milk&honey]

I agree with the posts here. If you can accept that he probably does not have the same goals and ambitions as you, then you can consider getting back with him.

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you for your post (: I really have thought a lot about this, my ex has been working and saving money to finally enter college and that is the reason why I have been so confused. He is so excited about it but I think he is making excuses not to finally do it, like "I have to save more money" or "I'm having problems with my boss and I could get fired soon" So he says he is going to enter college in August but I don't know if I should keep waiting; maybe, as you have said, he is never going to change that attitude no matter if he actually gets a college degree. He still makes me think he wants the same lifestyle I want, but deep inside I think he isn't being serious enough. Thank you so much for answering my post, you helped me to think clearly

In fairness, that does sound to some degree like he is actually finally putting in the effort to make it happen. Only you could really judge if that seems sincere, or just seems like more BS in a long line of BS. For that matter, even if it IS finally sincere effort, it could also very well be too little too late for you. Maybe, maybe not. Again, only you can really know.

So, if it truly does seem like he is sincere, maybe (just maybe) you continue to give him that chance. Still, if you do I recommend cautious optimism. Don't just let your guard down and think that this is finally really it. It could just be him sensing that you are getting frustrated, so he is trying to make it look like he is making sincere effort.

Again, only you can really know. I just must tell you to be careful, and also to think of yourself and the future you want and deserve to have. I went through something pretty similar, so I know this kind of lie and BS from experience.

Good luck to you.