i really don't want to hurt this girl....

[shadower4]

my friend is in a another state and she told me she showed pictures of me to her and she thinks i'm cute, she showed me her facebook and i wasn't sure if i was into her or but we have been texting all day for the past 2 days, we do have some stuff in common and she seems really sweet but i'm not physically into her, i added her on facebook because my friend gave me her facebook, based off some pics i wasn't sure but then when she added me i was able to see many other pics and she's not bad looking but she's really skinny and i know that sounds shallow but I believe you need to be both mentally and physically attracted to someone for it to work out, should i just straight up stop replying ? i tried cutting the texting short and not asking questions but she keeps it going, she's definitely into me, if i just stop replying i will feel horrible, i'm a really caring guy, i don't want to hurt anyone even if it's for a few days because i know what it's like to be hurt what do i do please

[pcmaster]

Listen, just tell her the truth, you will hurt her either way so better do it by letting her know the truth.

In your place I would be like. - " You are nice girl and you been nothing but sweet to me but Im not into you that way, I dont see you more than a friend."

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with pcmaster. His example of what to say is a good idea as well. I absolutely would not say something to her like "I don't find you attractive," as I think that is being needlessly mean. However, saying that you think of her as a friend and nothing more is a way to get the point across without being unnecessarily cruel. Granted, it's still going to hurt her, but it will be a lot better than stringing her along, and it will be a lot better than to just stop responding. Do NOT do that. I know that sometimes feels like the nicest and easiest way to let somebody go easily, but it is not. It is hurtful and cruel (trust me, I know that's not your intention here), even more so than just honestly hurting them upfront.

Now, I do not know you personally so I cannot judge whether or not you are shallow. However, let me put it this way.... you can't really help who and what you do and do not find attractive. So, if you don't find her attractive, that doesn't necessarily make you shallow. And you are right that, for a relationship to work, you should certainly be with somebody you find attractive. Heck, just as much, the other person deserves to be with somebody who finds them attractive.

Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

You don't even have the ambition to be her friend so don't lie about that either. Just let it fade or tell her nothing and let her figure it out for herself when she sees your disinterest. Hopefully she's smart enough to realise when someone isn't interested in having her in their life in some superficial way as Facebook "friends" that really aren't even that. IMO

[shadower4]

i took your advice about being honest with her.... sort of, i blamed it on not wanting a long distance relationship but still wanting to be friends since we have so much in common, she seemed cool with it, thanks for the great advice

[dollhouse]

Being honest is the right thing to do, so good for you.

[Wakeup]

i took your advice about being honest with her.... sort of, i blamed it on not wanting a long distance relationship but still wanting to be friends since we have so much in common, she seemed cool with it, thanks for the great advice

So... how will you be a "friend" to someone who you don't want to lead on as it being anything more then just that?

[pcmaster]

Great point [MENTION=52694]Wakeup[/MENTION]. Im in same situation - I like a girl I chat with for 9 months. She says we are friends and Im saying the same but I like her more than that and secretly hope for more.

So in OP case this girl might be "cool" with being friends but it don't mean she wont suppress her feelings and get more attached/attracted in chatting process.

P.S. Damn it Wakeup aura is stronger, we with Jester cant compete with that, Wakeup's aura is 3 times stronger ! How will we ever can keep up with that?

[shadower4]

well, me and this girl are still talking... about favorite tv shows which we both are really into, and she has mentioned her personal life to me a few times, i just comment on it but don't ask a question on it so to show i care but i'm keeping her at a distance personally, i told her i don't want to lead her on, and just want to be friends, if she develops something for me i won't feel totally guiltily because i'm not trying to lead her on and i told her that, i just want to be friends, no reason a guy and girl with common interests can't just be friends

[fine for my age]

Just continue to be honest with her. She deserves that.

[TheEvilJester]

I can't say that I agree with the approach of just letting it fade without telling her anything. If he is sincerely interested in still remaining friends with her, then the "just friends" conversation would, in my opinion, be the route to go. Could that lead to her secretly still harboring deeper feelings for him? Possibly. Here's my take on that, though....

Why should that be his problem? At least initially anyway. He has made it very clear he is only interested in being friends. Why should he then not give her the chance to show that maybe she can do the same?

Granted, a lot of times that doesn't work out. If it does seem to be that she is just hanging around secretly hoping he will change his mind, then at that point it would be the right thing to do to just end the friendship completely.

He's made his feelings clear. It shouldn't be his responsibility to decide whether or not she can handle that. If she cannot handle being just friends and/or would really just be holding herself back from other relationships secretly hoping he'll eventually change his mind about her, then it is up to her to realize that and end the friendship.

On the other hand, if he really does not have any interest in even being friends, then frankly I think he should have just been honest. Even that you can say in some way so it isn't so blatant and cruel. I just think the "fade away" approach is immature, cowardly, and selfish in just about any situation. There ARE situations where it is warranted, but not many.