I dont know what to do anymore..
So, I really don’t know what else to do, so I guess ill post this on here and see what happens. I don’t really know what to expect to be honest… but here goes.

Ill start off with the background,

About two years ago, I met a girl at the local hockey rink where I played in my league. She was gorgeous, and to be honest I was terrified of talking to her. I was a pretty shy guy back then, and for me to talk to someone like that would be a big step for me. Eventually I found out that she was the convenior of the leagues daughter, which I found kind of strange, since I had been playing in this league for 14 years and ive never seen her before. Anyways, word got out about her, and I eventually learned that she was single, and had got out of a relationship pretty recently with a guy that also played in the league. I remember before one game, I was sitting up in the stands with a couple of the guys when she decided to come up the stairs to the bleachers and for some reason she started talking to me…I was terrified to say the least, but I think I played it off well.

To make a long story short, we started talking more and more and eventually I got the chance to go over to her house, and by god I was still terrified. I remember we were watching the tv with her mom in the room and I was scared of saying anything stupid so I just stayed quiet, and it was so awkward; but I eventually got over it and got more confidant around her. Im not going to lie, getting to the point of going to her house wasn’t easy. She was still getting over the break up, and was anxious about the whole thing because of it. Its funny, I still remember the promises I made to her when I was texting her in a parking lot, when she was telling me to give up on her, and I told her I wouldn’t… its crazy how you remember the weirdest things.
Eventually we got around to dating. Movie nights, taking her out on her first “official” date, which was a surprise because I know I wouldn’t have been able to get her to go if I told her. I remember one night when we got drunk together and danced, I remember the weekends when I would get to go over to her house and sleep over before hockey and work the next day. I remember the many times I dragged her out to get wild wings take out because I had monster cravings. I remember for Christmas we made a gingerbread house, and we had such a good time that we bought a second to make for me to keep at my house. It’s the little things that matter to me. I remember everything.

But more importantly I remember the feelings. I felt whole. I didn’t feel lost anymore, and thinking back on the feelings now it honestly makes me cry. I remember how she would smile, she has the cutest dimples on the sides of her cheeks, and she gets crinkles beside her eyes. I remember how soft her hair would be, and how well her hands would fit in mine. She has the most beautiful eyes. I remember when I would leave to go home some nights, we would just hug at the door for a couple minutes before leaving, because we hating being apart from each other. I remember how peaceful I would sleep when I was sleeping over with her, one of the few times I’ve gotten good sleep. I remember how perfect the world felt when I was with her; it felt like such a brighter place, compared to how it looks now.

Im ****ing crying writing this right now.

While the relationship was going on, I had enrolled in police foundations at my local college, as it was my ambition to be an officer, I love to help people, and I cant think of a better profession with more honor and dignity than that. While in college, I was also working part time at a restaurant as a head chef, while trying to juggle working out, volunteering, and keeping the little friends that I had. Somewhere along the way I got so stressed out that I felt like I was breaking apart, and instead of working through it with the one person that cared about me, I ended things, and I broke my promises to her. I shattered her heart, and I put her through so much pain because of my selfishness.

I wanted to create a life where I wouldn’t have to worry about money. Where I could have a career that was stable, and ultimately I wanted to create a life for us that would make us happy. I thought if I worked hard enough to become a police officer, I could make it so that she wouldn’t have to work. She wouldn’t have to worry about security or live the way she had been living up till now. And for some stupid ****ing reason I thought breaking up with her would accomplish that.

So to fast forward to today.
Im the youngest police officer in the service where I work right now. I accomplished my goal of getting my carreer and not having to worry about anything financially, I just bought a new car, and im looking at getting my own place. Im 20 years old. The only thing im missing is the one thing I only truly cared about. Her.

Just last January she started dating her ex before me again, and naturally im not a fan of it. I don’t think hes right for her. He doesn’t express himself, he doesn’t push himself for her, and he doesn’t seem to show he cares about her. Her and I are one in the same, we like knowing the other is thinking about them, so a simple “hey how are you” text every once and a while is perfect. He wont even tell her hes going on some nights and wont even talk to her.

I brought up my feelings to her a month ago, and we talked it out. I don’t really know what I was expecting to be honest, and I don’t know if it made me feel any better. She apparently still cares about me; and I brought up how strong my feelings are for her and how I know I cant be the only one feeling this way. She never denied feeling something for me. I have no idea where we stand, ultimately I want her to be happy at the end of the day, and if being happy means shes not with me, then ill lock the feelings away and deal with it somehow. But I feel like she deserves better. I feel like she deserves better then ordinary, or settling for what he’ll do for her, which doesn’t seem like much. I’ve made my foolish mistakes, and im still growing up as a person, but I know what it is I want in life, and I could bet my life without a second thought that id give her more effort and commitment than he ever would. That I know.
I don’t know what sort of advice im looking for. If there is any. I don’t know if I should even tell her about this post, I don’t want her to hate me, shes already stressed out about her schooling as it is right now. I don’t know.