what should i do

[hobbs]

I'm not sure I would say i'm not attracted to my wife anymore just embarrassed to go out in pubic sometimes. When we first got together she cared about her appearance at home and when we went out in public. It wasn't till after the 3rd kid we started to have problems. shes 5"3 and was 110lbs when we started dating now shes 220lbs. (I don't expect her to get back to her original weight but at least a healthy weight.) After we had our first kid she lost some of the weight after the second she said she would wait till we where done having kids to drop all of the wight well after the 3rd and final kid a year later she hasn't done anything to lose any weight. She doesn't care how she looks and doesn't care what people think of her. She says shes married she doesn't have to impress anyone anymore. Am I wrong to think she should still want to looks good for me? We just had a fight yesterday we where going out to dinner at a nice restaurant just the 2 of us for the first time in months. We where going to leave and shes dressed in a ratty T-shirt and jean shorts. I didn't say anything to her about it. On the way to the restaurant she asks if i have a problem with what she is wearing.(it's not the first time we have had this problem) I said i thought you would put something decent on its a nice restaurant. She gets pissed and starts to say I don't think shes attractive anymore and if shes not good enough to find someone new. It ruined the whole night. I guess my question should I approach her on the weight and appearance problem? Or am I wrong to think she should care about her appearance and looking nice for me? I'm not sure if shes not happy in the relationship when we have had fights she has made comments like if you don't think I can find someone else then your wrong if we break up ill just lose all the weight and find someone else.

[Nicolelong]

For me it's not the weight issue- it's the fact that she doesn't care enough to put in any effort on herself. I once had a boyfriend years ago that didn't brush his teeth regularly (gross I know!!!!) and he said the same thing- "I'm in a relationship now, why should I have to impress anyone?" To me, this is like saying that you are not worth impressing.

It should matter to her if you are attracted to her. She should WANT you to want her. The fact that she doesn't care about knocking your socks off once in a while speaks volumes about her stance on the marriage. I feel like this is a passive aggressive way to fight with you and punish you. My thought is: you want to confront her about her weight/appearance, but fail to realize that this is the SYMPTOM of a much bigger problem. Her weight and lack of care towards her appearance is not your true issue, and you need to figure out what that is if you want things to change.

Obviously, looks aren't everything and skinny does not equal sexy. BUT.... when she can't even be bothered to change out of her gardening clothes for a fancy date night, it's the message behind it that is really bothersome.

She's checked out of the relationship.

[Rebeccaa]

The last comment you made when she said she could get someone else and would just lose weight to do it, is quite a telling statement. She is almost challenging you to say you will leave and then she will turn right around lose weight, find someone else and make you feel bad. That is what she is thinking.

Of course it's not unreasonable for you to want her to look nice but for her to lose the weight it has to be for her, so that she feels happy with the way she looks and feels. She should want to dress up every now and then and look nice and feel feminine.

She must now find it a strain looking after the children and for sure she wouldn't want that. She needs to do this for herself and then the benefits (think health here too) will flow over into other parts of her life.

The emotional barriers she is putting up are coming from someone who is feeling quite insecure with herself and unfortunately you are getting the brunt of it.

I think you need to have a heart to heart and really try to get to the bottom of the problem.

[basilandthyme]

What's her state of mind like? Could she be battling depression, loneliness or other mental issues?

At any rate, I think the two of you need marriage counselling. Get a professional to help the two of you sort out the underlying issues.