Hi all (long post)

[IncrediBulk]

Hey all

First time poster, long time reader. This is a bit long winded, so I'll apologise in advance

A bit of backstory. I've been with my wife 10 years, married for 7. We have a 5 and 3 year old (both beautiful little girls). With our eldest, my wife developed post natal depression that I believe she never dealt with fully. Our youngest has a chromosone disorder as well which affects her development

Anyway... I travel alot for work. Have so for the duration of our marriage. 2 years ago, I was travelling for a solid month and we had to move house. At this time, my wife admits her feelings for me "switched off" and she started seeing me more as a friend then as a lover

This was also around the same time she started to suspect something may be "wrong" with our youngest, but no-one took her seriously. She was also doing her final semester at university

Long story short, lots of stress

Around this time, I noticed a change in her behaviour (she became very protective of her mobile phone). Through a bit of investigating, I learned she'd made a "new male friend" through the dancing scene (she's a professional belly dancer, he's a musician). Over time, I discovered that this "friendship" entailed over 1000 text messages in a month... including "some silly" picture messages

So this dragged on until June this year (I've shortened alot of details for the sake of brevity). We had a massive argument (about her friendship with this guy and our ongoing issues with sex and intimacy) and she finally admits she's friendzoned me and that she thinks we need a trial separation so she can "work on her issues"

She also admitted (finally) that her childhood issue with parents, the PND and other factors have led her to a deep depression that she was finally willing to get help with (she's now seeing a psychologist and on anti-depressants)

Since then... she was speaking to him daily... the text messages didn't stop and she was still sending the occasional picture (she claims they where never dirty, just selfies). All this time, I'd believe she was keeping this guy around because he had a thing for her and she was getting a cheap ego boost out of it

So here's where the story gets interesting... one night I went out to dinner with a mate and left an old mobile in the lounge room, recording everything going on. And I heard an entire conversation she had... where SHE was the aggressor "when can we see each other", "you wouldn't want to know what I'd do if we were alone in a room" etc etc

I know they've not done anything physical, as she would have said it... and her tone was of slight desperation to get more then just "a friendship"

I confronted her... she didn't deny that she's thought about kissing him, but nothing more and "it's just words"

So anyway.... I tell her it has to stop if she wants to save this marriage in time. I gave her time and space to work on herself, not to run to another man

I found out (by accident) that they spoke again the other night briefly... mostly "just friendly chit-chat" but again she asked to see him. This was the second time in two weeks that they'd spoken (down from every day)

So now we're up to speed ok?

-----------------

So here's my issue

I've been sitting on this recorded phone call for a couple of weeks now and have been fighting the MASSIVE urge to tell this guy's wife (yep... he's married with 3 kids under 5). The only reason I haven't? I'm not a heartless bastard who wants to ruin HER life. I could care less about him

So on Friday this week I finally cracked and rang him. He played dumb "sorry mate, what's going on?", "I'm not sure if you've got the right person". "sorry, I'm not really sure what you mean"

I dropped the bomb "I have a recording of a phone call, so there's no point playing stupid"

Said that the txt msg's stop now... the phone calls at 3pm before I get home from work stop now.... the picture messages stop now. Be a man of honour and stop disrespecting your wife and family, consider your next move carefully as if my wife learns of this phone call, the recording will be sent to your wife

I didn't get angry... I didn't carry on. Just made my point clear and got off the phone before things could escalate

He couldn't get off the phone quick enough... lots of "ok mate", "no worries mate", "thank you mate"

His reaction made it clear my wife had NOT told him of the recording when she said she needed to "back off a bit"

So now I'm in a tricky position... I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my chest (I've known something was fishy for almost two years) but I've also got this hint of terror that he will turn around and tell her and my bluff will be called. I DON'T want to destroy another marriage

My wife has even noticed "a change in attitude" and thanked me for "being really good the last couple of days, it hasn't gone unnoticed and it makes it easier to be comfortable around you"

To tell her that I spoke with him would more then likely end our marriage (as she would see it as me controlling her and telling her who she can be friends with). I have no issue with her having male friends... she has lots via dancing. It's just this one person....

I love her more then anything else and am desperate to see this work out. I am just praying now that this latest move on my side just makes it a fair playing field

[AdminOnline]

Welcome to Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion. Enjoy your stay here...

[Mathias]

So you're saying your wife cheated on you, and you're worried she's going to get mad at you for confronting it?

Jesus.

[megvoh]

You don't need to feel guilty on this, your wife and that guy does.
Now you and the wife need a long chatter on all of this.

[IncrediBulk]

You don't need to feel guilty on this, your wife and that guy does.
Now you and the wife need a long chatter on all of this.

We've had many, many "long chats" about this. She still holds to the belief that he's "just a friend" and "it never would go anywhere"

The latest development is that her psych has basically diagnosed her as being an "adolescent adult" and her sudden need to new things (she wants to travel, wants to try things she's never done before) comes from this. I asked how does "he" work into this... and she said "he doesn't... he's a symptom. Not the cause"

But has made no real indication that she plans on having a fling being one of her "things to try"

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and the big kicker... she continued to try to contact him after I rang him. He backed off... she got pissed about him "being cold" and he spilled the beans

She went BALLISTIC about me "interfering in her life"... basically carried on like a horny 16 year old who's father said she couldn't see the town bad boy