Furious with my husband and feeling wronged. How do I discuss calmly?

[jwireman]

I wrote a long post about my issues with my husband and father of my child, but for whatever reason, it never posted when i tried 2 days ago. To make a long story short, my husband had been taking xanax behind my back and lying about it. This on top of not financially or emotionally supporting our new baby and generally being very verbally abusive. He suffers frome a mood disoder and landed in a psych ward and all of these issues came to a head. After he was released from the hospital, i was the one who had to reach out to get this conversation going. We agreed to meet in a public place tomorrow to discuss things. My question is, how do i handle this? I feel so wronged and he's no where near being scared or apologetic. He's on new mood medication right now so i guess that could have something to do with it. I just feel like someone who was lying and who threatened his wife with phsycial violent should be the one chasing, not me.

Uhg. I want to stay calm. Help?

[basilandthyme]

It's great that he's now on new meds and apparently compliant. However, I think you are right to be wary of meeting him when he has not apologised or otherwise sought out your company. Which brings me to the question of why you've chased him if you're dubious about meeting him. You don't have to meet him if you're not ready to do so.

If you do decide to go and he's not reaching out to you, I would suggest you use this time to tell him how you're feeling. Tell him how mad, upset, frightened you were. Tell him that you're concerned that he didn't reach out to you or apologise. See if he brushes off your feelings or has an epiphany.

You're not taking the kids I assume?

[jwireman]

I won't be taking the kids, no.

I was the one who reached out to him and who suggested meeting to talk. I also had to pick a time and place. I feel like I'm doing all of the work here. Of course, in not without fault in our relationship, but his actions are greatly outweighing any wrong doings i have done. I told him I'm confused as to why hes not the one reaching out or being apologetic and he just says he doesn't want to talk over the phone.

[basilandthyme]

Him not reaching out to you indicates that he's not ready to return to the marriage. There could be any number of reasons

*perhaps he's still gaining a new sense of who he is and isn't rushing in to anything.
*It could be that he doesn't yet trust himself to do the right thing for you and the kids.
*while his actions may outweigh yours, it doesn't mean that he can't be hurting from something said or done in the fights.
*he may be reconsidering the future of the marriage
*he may be unable to take responsibility for his actions and is resenting you.

I think that rather than having expectations of how he should be behaving, you should go with a view of listening and learning about where his head is at now. When you have a greater understanding of his headspace, you'll have more info to decide on your next move.

[Rebeccaa]

It sounds as though he has enough to deal with just getting himself back on track and the added weight of a family is just too much at the moment. If he is going to get better, this may be something you have to accept. It sounds as though it is very much going to be one step at a time.

[Wakeup]

I just feel like someone who was lying and who threatened his wife with phsycial violent should be the one chasing, not me.

Really? I think you should be the one running away, not chasing.

[Nicolelong]

Perhaps he fears like he is inadequate as a new father? There is really no reason to lie about taking Xanax, and if he needs help mentally this is a great place to start. There's no shame in taking care of his mental health, but I understand why you are upset that he hid it from you.

It does sound like he has some mental issues, and this could easily be why he has been erratic and unable to take responsibility for his family.

You have every right to feel concerned, and I hope that you will place your children's safety above all else.

My suggestion for a calm discussion is to accept that perhaps to an extent, he cannot control his behaviour at this point. Mental illness can often make the sufferer feel out of control of their own feelings and life. I am absolutely not excusing the things he has said and done, but this may be a helpful viewpoint to take. Thinking of him as a co parent rather than a partner at this time may help remove some of the emotion as well.

I wish you the best and hang in there.

[smarta$$]

Why is he lying about the xanax? Is he an addict? If so, he is not a good bet for family life.