Fellings for ex after 17 years

[ahc3]

Out of no where, after 17 years, I am getting feelings for my ex. I broke up with her for no good reason ( I was told to by my flat mate ), even though I really liked her. Back then I was a weak, spineless person who wanted to impress others. I am now happily married with 3 kids ( she is also now married with kids ) but I feel like I need to apologize to her for showing her such little respect, although I don't know if it is appropriate. I am not after forgiveness or want to get back together.
I don't know why it has come out of the blue, and how to move on from it.

[smarta$$]

She probably represents a simpler time in your life, which you are missing. I am pretty sure she has moved on by now. Why would you want to apologize, if not for forgiveness?

[ahc3]

It would be so she knew it wasn't anything that she had done. If after that long, would you appreciate an apology or would you think 'weirdo'.
You're probably right about the simpler time in my life, thoughts of the 'good ol days' creep in every so often. Not that I'm not happy with my current life. Thanks.

[smarta$$]

Listen, I think it is *always* appropriate to apologize for bad behavior that causes pain to other people. I am just a little suspicious of your motive here, and the possibility that that your reappearance might cause damage to your family stability (or hers), in light of the fact that you are pining away for the old days. I think that everyone wonders about the "road not taken", but I suggest you leave that line of thinking to your imagination.

[Lilia]

Your story reminded me of the book "The Sea the Sea" by Iris Merdoch.
You might want to read that book…or you might not.
It is quite a philosophical story about a man who went through a similar experience.

[bbbb]

I'm stuck thinking what a tricky issue it is. On the one hand, if you do apologize, you both might feel better - it might be that an apology would work as some sort of closure for you two, in case she never really knew why you broke up with her. On the other hand, it might rekindle the feelings on one or both sides, which would mean a huge change for your families, even if you did nothing to follow up on the feelings. Then again, it might be that when you both meet again after such a long time you might both be different persons and you'll identify your feeling as longing for the past, as smarta$$ noticed, not love.

She must have moved on a long time ago and it might be better to let the sleeping dogs lie. If you are not looking for forgiveness, you might be looking to change her opinion of you ("he's not the asshole he used to be" or "he never was as bad a man as I had thought him"), which still serves no purpose other than make YOU feel better about yourself. Which is totally normal, of course, and if there was a way of knowing you'd not complicate your old flame's life by suddenly reappearing in it, I'd say go for it. But only if you're sure you can keep it down to an explanation and apology and not trying to get back together. It could seem tempting if she feels the same way towards you but think about the pain you'd cause your wife and your kids - and the same on her side.

Sorry that I can't offer anything better...

[ahc3]

Thanks for all the advice, I think I have to bury the feelings and try to forget about it. I have no way of explaining the situation to my wife without her thinking the worst, and I can't lie to her. Even if she did appreciate an apology, it would put her in an awkward position also.

[starbar]

I don't understand why these people are telling you to apologize! that is really bad advice. you should have zero contact with this ex. it is totally disrespectful to your wife and family.

are there issues in your marriage? are you unhappy? It sounds like you are in the process of looking to start an affair (subconscious or not) maybe as a way to escape issues at home or because you are bored?

I suggest you put this ex (or any other women) out of your mind and start looking into ways to improve or spice up your marriage.

You don't just randomly want to apologize to an ex out of the blue over something that happened almost 2decades ago! you are looking for an excuse to talk to her coz for some reason you are not happy with your life right now. You do not fix issues in a marriage by turning to someone else. turn to your wife. good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

I do kind of agree that it is probably best just to leave it alone. I get why you sort of feel the need to apologize, but for now it is best left in the past. You said you are happily married, so just be happily married. She is married as well, so it is not worth the risk that it could reignite feelings on either side, or even just potentially annoy her hubby and cause unneeded problems.

Now, if you happened to run into her, like say at a high school reunion (just a wild guess, not sure if you two actually met in high school), then apologizing sort of in passing might be fine. Kind of just like "Hey, I always felt kind of bad for how I ended things and just wanted to say...." But, I think I agree that specifically seeking her out for this is not a good idea. Maybe it would be different if you and her were both single, but with you both being married (or even if just one of you was), probably best just to leave it be. We all make mistakes we later regret. Anybody who tells you differently is a liar. To err is human. The important thing is that you realize you made a mistake and you grew from it. Now you are happily married and a father. Good for you!

Either way, good luck.