Does he actually want me or not?

[Hannah77]

My bf and I have been together for over a year now. We overall have had a great relationship and are happy together. However we did get into a fight a week ago. I think our fight pushed him over the edge because he's been stressed out in his life because of his job. Recently he's been exhausted because his boss is trying to meet a deadline and he's been working more hours. In this past week we've pretty much made up after our fight, or so I thought.. I haven't seen him in a week and we live in the same town. We were both upset with eachother and wanted to cool down after our fight. We've still been talking everyday but not too much..just some texts here and there throughout the day. He's been coming home everyday and wanting time to himself and to relax and catch up on sleep. And I've basically been doing the same, I even went away for a few days on vacation with family.

Basically the problem is that he hasn't asked to hang out?! It's confusing because after our fight he said he needed "space" and time to think if there was a chance we could still be together. soo I pretty much gave him his space and then he started texting me telling me he loves me and is attached to me and him having space made him realize how much he does need me. He said he just felt over tired from work which has been stressful lately and he wanted time to himself but he said he wants to still be with me and give us another chance.

He said last night after thinking his decision is to be with me and I overall make him really happy. He even said he has a lot of fun hanging out with me and spending time together. But I'm so confused..like why the hell didn't he text me today asking me to hang out? Is it likely he's stil stressed from work and wanted to have one more day to rest before jumping back into our relationship and giving it another a chance? I heard from him this morning he said he loves me but that was it. I thought since we haven't been together in a week then he would be dying to see me. Normally we never go this long without seeing eachother. I know he isn't cheating or anything. He said he really misses me when we're not together but his work is so exhausting that it takes everything out of him to the point where he wants to go home and sleep. Does that sound realistic though? Because I feel like wouldn't you want to see the person you love? He works construction btw and lately has been working 12+ hours 6-7 days a week.

I just don't know what to think.. I felt relieved he said he wanted to be with me and space made him realize he misses me and is attached to me. But why hasn't he asked to hang out? I could use some advice on what I should do in my situation or the way a guys mind works because I don't know whether I should stay calm and think he's just tired from work or if I should be freaking out right now that in reality he just doesn't want to see me. But then it's like, if he didn't want to see me why would he choose to stay with me and why would he tell me he has fun hanging out with me? He even said the other day he likes hanging out with me rather than his friends or anyone else. Ugh, I just don't know what to think! He's confusing me :/ and it hurts it's been a week since I've seen him

[basilandthyme]

He hasn't asked to see you because he's been working 12+ hpd, 6-7 dpw. He needs to unwind and take time for himself to re-find his equilibrium. Thing is, he's already told you all this - so I'm wondering why you're now asking us.

If his need for a bit of recovery time doesn't work for you, you have to tell him. Though it doesn't sound like he's got much choice in it.

[Hannah77]

Thanks. I guess I just got my hopes up and expected to jump back into seeing him a lot when he said he wants to give things another chance. Anytime I've came home tired after a long day at work I've still wanted to see him, but I guess he's just different. Is that normal though if a guy wants space sometimes and to relax after work opposed to be around his girl?

[basilandthyme]

I don't think it's a gender thing. Different people relax in different ways.

I know that on occasions when hubby or I are exhausted, we don't relax 'together' together. I'm more likely to sit comatose in front of the TV or have a bath alone. He will take time out with his guitar. If you're already exhausted, making conversation or listening can be too hard.

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How long are these hours likely to continue for? If it's going to be a while yet, would this be the type of relationship you want to be in?

[Hannah77]

I think these hours are continuing to this weekend. I believe the deadline they're trying to make is for Sunday. But he will still be working a lot unfortunately cuz normally his schedule is about 8-10 hr days Monday-sat.

It's tough being in this relationship with him right now. He's had this job for about 3 months now and ever since he's had it I've seen him significantly less. Prior to him having this job, we spent nearly every night together and saw eachother nearly ev eryday. But upon getting this job my normal week with him consists anywhere from seeing him 2-5 times a week depending on how tired he is, and normally we spend only one night together now a week (if that) because normally Sundays is the only day he doesn't work but on occasion he works that day too.

He says he's stressed from his job but he loves the work at the same time and he loves the money he makes with all these hours. But in my eyes, it's hard how his job takes up A LOT of his time and even when he's not working he's so tired.

So it's kind of a tough situation because the first 10 months of our relationship or so I saw him so much, and now this job has really impacted our relationship. He says if he didn't work so much he would want to see me more and quite honestly I don't like the job he has because of the drastic difference in the amount of quality time we barely spend together anymore. But I feel afraid to say anything to him because I don't want him to think I'm trying to be controlling and make him quit or anything, and I don't want him to think I'm complaining

[basilandthyme]

I've actively avoided dating people who work horrendous hours. For me, getting to spend quality time together is really important and a relationship without this would not meet my needs. When I first met my hubby, he was working a rotating shift and I didn't get to see him one week in four. I could cope with that, but not much more if it was ongoing. So anyway, I hear you loud and clear.

Try and hang in there till next week and see how it goes. But if your needs for togetherness still don't get met, you may have to reconsider the relationship.

[Hannah77]

I'll try to hang in there. Hopefully I can see him tomorrow so I can explain my feelings about his crazy work schedule. Right now this barely even feels like a relationship since I'm barely seeing him and I'm really missing the way things used to be

[bbbb]

Do talk to him about the possibility of his working hours changing. Is he the ambitious type who wants to grit his teeth and bear it for the moment so that he can save up enough money to [insert a goal]? It might be tough to cope with not seeing enough of him and it will drive you into feeling guilty if you demand of him to spend more time with you when all he dreams about is getting some rest. He works a lot... and it is hard work. You should definitely discuss the future with him - is it to be like that forever, that you need more etc. Then consider if there's a way to make things work as they are or whether a change is possible. If not, you might have to think whether you can go on like that. Maybe he could work for a small building & maintenance company instead of a big construction site? Unless he wants to go up high and end up managing or owning the big business, but that will take years of hard work. In any case, I hope you can resolve this in a way that you both don't suffer. Best of luck!

[Hannah77]

Thanks! I will definitely have to talk to him about this. I'm confused though last night he didn't talk to me and neither did he text me this morning before work. Him being so distant like this is definitely not working for me. I don't understand how one day he's telling me he loves me and he wants to give us another chance, but then the next day he barely says two words. I don't know whether to think he's just exhausted and was rushed this morning, or if something bigger is going on

[CaseySp]

Life can unfold in many different ways, and it is perfectly possible that something more urgent than the task of calling you to hang out emerged in his life. The good news is that if this is the reason behind his silence, he is going to call you after taking care of what needs to be taken care of.