Insecure people? (Long and crazy!) Please send some thoughts my way...

[jendenovum]

I am 24, just got married July 9th 2005. I have known my husband eight years now. I love him more than anything in the world besides my son. In the past, I have had serious issues with him looking at porn (which he did at least once a day every day until we basically lived together and now he just has no free time without me around or it would be the same) but I have kind of gotten over that as long as I don’t think that he picked it over me. (Like when we didn’t live together - instead of coming over to watch a movie he would go home and download porn for two hours obsessing over girls gone wild videos- and I knew this by snooping on his computer because I am VERY nosy) SO anyway...

I have always felt like I wasn’t good enough, despite how many times he tells me that looking at porn or other girls has nothing to do with how he feels about me, he loves me etc etc. While I can look past the porn (I enjoy it myself and with him, but occasionally get jealous of him with it alone), I CANNOT deal with strip clubs. I think that it is totally wrong for a variety of reasons. He thinks that it is pure entertainment and there is nothing wrong with it. I guess it all depends on what you see and how you are raised. (His dad, who tagged along for my husbands older brother’s bachelor party, got tied up on stage and lap danced and p*ssy slammed in front of all the young guys.) Do I want my son to have that kind of trashy father influence? No f*cking way!

To me, paying someone else for sexual entertainment is cheating. It’s watered down prostitution. I’ve tried to get over it for my own sanity, but I can’t seem to feel any other way. It strikes me as extremely disrespectful. To my husband, it is OK for the guy to sit there- he isn’t doing anything wrong. But if I were to “dance” like that FOR another guy, even if he was just sitting there, then it is wrong and he would probably break up with me. Where the f*ck is the difference? To me, there is no moral difference between the active and passive role in that situation. They both want to be there. On top of all that, that dumb whore has the satisfaction of knowing that he doesn’t love me enough to stay out of a strip club. Its funny, I thought that we should be celebrating our marriage and future, not giving in to his need for random carnal entertainment.

Now to the point of my misery. He had seen me come to full-blown crying episodes worrying about his bachelor party. I would flip out and have to cry myself to sleep, always on edge. So the day comes and for weeks, he has been telling me that he won’t go to the strip club because he doesn’t want to hurt me, but that he WOULD be going to his best friend’s because he was the best man. Although it bothered me still, I felt like this was a nice fair compromise. Anyway, half way through the night he got loaded and went after all. Then he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to marry him anymore. I haven’t felt the same about him since. My pain and anger are killing me. I went through with the wedding and tried to get past it. In order to placate me, he told his best friend, a male pig, that he would not be attending the strip club part of the bachelor party in August. How nice of him, right? Well the night of it, I found out that the groom was amped because everyone was going out rolling E pills (bachelor AND bachelorette parties, although separate - The bride’s mom wanted to try it too – another nice example of white trash family bonding, huh?). I asked my husband not to do it, and although he was annoyed about not going stripping AND then having to tell his friend no pills either, he reluctantly agreed. I had a shitty feeling all night. Geee, was it female instinct or the predictability of a dumb male?

Well I was also a member of the wedding party. Both the bachelor and bachelorette party were the same night in Atlantic City. The guys came and crashed our party around 1230. They were so messed up on ecstasy half of them couldn’t focus their eyes. My husband is missing. Turns out he is on the bus. He tells me he couldn’t find the guys. I think it was probably because he was so f*cked up that he couldn’t hide it and he didn’t want me to see him. For the first time in my life I gave in to a really violent impulse and punched him right in the eye. Cut his eye open. Not a pretty fight. An hour later, he remembered that he left his phone in a strip club. ***But he really wasn’t in there more than 5 minutes, he was only looking for the guys because they left him so long*** When you do the math, they were in AC for an hour and a half before they met up with us girls. They couldn’t have been gone for very long OR he is lying. Either way, I’m glad that he thinks its fine to get so ****ed up that he has no track of time and wanders in and out of strip clubs. He rode the girl bus home that night. What a nice gesture.

I don’t get it. Were were together pretty steady for about four years, split up for two, and then were VERY happily together for two years before this horrible summer happened. I wish we could go back in time and I would have said NO I WON’T marry you instead of yes. We were happier before we got engaged. If you had asked me 3 months ago if he would have betrayed me so bad so many times, I would have sworn NO WAY. Now I feel like such an idiot because I obviously don’t know him at all. I have so much anger I don’t even know what to do with it. This past weekend I just found out that we was doing E at his own bachelor party as well. His brother slipped up and told me. Will the lies never end? I’ll bet he was a real treat acting like a gentleman at his bachelor party.

Sometimes I hate him so much. That makes it so much worse than when he was just drunk. He probably had the girls all over him since he was so happy and tingly. And how many of his friends knew (because it is impossible for him to hide it) and didn’t tell me. I want to call his fat pig of a friend and tell HIM all the things that his wife hides from him. The difference is, I don’t feel guilty hiding it from him because he is a big @sshole and deserves to be made to look like an idiot. HIS wife wasn’t “allowed” to smoke cigarettes at her bachelorette party, but its ok for my husband to take illegal drugs that screw with your serotonin regulating functions at his. Find the logic in that. Sometimes I just feel like I hate everyone (because not many people understand I mean) and will never be happy again. We just bought a house, have an awesome little son, and I don’t even feel happy. I am blah at best.

He gets mad/angry with me for still being upset and continuing to “punish” him. Meanwhile I am the one with the broken heart here. Every day is unpredictable. One day I feel fine but then something will trigger an image of him all messed up while some girl rubs her @ss in his face. It ruins almost every happy moment.

I forgot to tell you that he came home with welts from when the strippers were whipping him. He didn’t talk to me for like 48 hours because he was too hung over and probably afraid to call me. Just talking about it makes me want to go wake him up and yell at him right now.

There are so many great things that he does for me, and he really is a sweet guy. Today he sent me flowers. But I would rather not have had to feel this way in the first place and then subsequently get them. He gives them to me as an “I’m sorry.” I just can’t get over the betrayed feeling I have. Last week I had this dream that I had three of my male friends videotape me stripping for them and giving them lap dances. Then we all gave him the finger and laughed. The topper is that we left the video on the living room table in my house as if it were a gift for my husband to watch on our one-year wedding anniversary. I want to do it so bad just to watch him get angry and punch something or cry. Every time he looks at me I want him to see my sweet wifey face smiling as some guy gets off on my naked body. I want him to feel nauseous and upset all the time too.

Every time he touches me I think, “These are the hands that gripped on some stripper’s ass.” Or when he smiles at me I think, “Well, I bet he was smiling bigger than that for his friends when some dumb whore’s tits touched his face.” I’ll bet he was acting like a big pig to show off. I don’t want him to ever touch me again most of the time.

I am so afraid that things will never be the same again. I still love him, but I don’t respect him or trust him anymore. Two major screw-ups like that in one month? Even when he saw how bad he hurt me the first bachelor party he blew it again? And what if he goes out again with the same guys? The majority of them are total loser-white trash types. I won’t believe him anymore. Now I know better.

WOW, sorry about the rambling. What would you do? We have only been married two months and I feel like we need to go to marriage counseling! He will just flip out and tell me to get over it because he is always so good to me and I do nothing but try to make him feel like a piece of sh!t.

I want to hurt him the way that he has hurt me. I feel like I am going to end up doing something I regret just to spite him. We definitely need help. I know he is sorry but what the f*ck. How do I get over this? I totally feel like he cheated on me and I want to get even now.

(continued.....next post)

[jendenovum]

It would have meant so much if he had just been true to me and not f*cked up to have a good time with his friends. I was so happy and proud and grateful when he told me he wasn’t gonna do it. Now I know that ogling naked women with his friends is more important than me. But I should have known as much by now. I feel so stupid. He is such a peer pressure sucker and an instant sexual gratification type. And all those idiots know that he will spite me to have fun with them. I wouldn’t put it past them to hurt me then or even in the future. I just didn’t think that my own would-be husband could have it in him to hurt me so bad.

But I guess if he hadn’t had that bachelor party, he might have regretted missing out on it for the rest of his life. Oh god, NO! What about ME missing out on a happy marriage? This is supposed to be our exciting honeymoon period. Every time I look at him I want to throw something at him, drink some liquor, or cry. (Not necessarily in that order though, LOL) I cry at night and don’t want my own husband to touch me with his dirty slut-touching, pig body.

[TAVS]

I dont think you can fault him for the Bachelor party. However, he obviously is really into something you cannot handle, and you knew that before getting married. Sucks to me you.

[jendenovum]

Yeah, I knew that he was a bigtime porn man, but I only had seven days notice before the wedding that he could also hurt me to be cool with his friends. It was serious pressure and I did what I thought was right going through with the wedding.

The problem is, if you knew him, he is a great guy in every other way. He is friendly, pays attention to me, praises me and deals with my insecurities very well. He evens cleans around the house and is the greatest caring father I could imagine for our son, who isnt even biologically his. He loves him like his own child.

If I were the typical girl who didnt mind strip clubs, the good things about him would outweigh the bad by a landslide. Sometimes i feel like i am overreacting, especially when i hear some of my girlfriends say, "i dont care whose tits or ass he stares at all night because I know he loves me." I wish i felt like that!

[NeoSeminole]

You should be thankful your husband treats you well and accepts your son. Does he kiss other girls? Does he have sex with other girls? No? Then he isn't cheating. I don't see the problem with strip clubs. Guys and girls are different. We are visual creatures. We enjoy looking at porn. Women are more emotional creatures. Who do you think the majority of graphic novel readers is? Stop trying to pretend we are the same. Your analogy of giving a lap dance to a stranger is flawed b/c you are purposely trying to seduce another man. Last time I checked, guys pay money to sit there and watch. Let him spend his money how he wants. I think you are wrong for hitting your husband. How would you like it next time if he hit you for doing something stupid? I'm sure you would probably throw a hissy fit and call the cops.

[equivo]

The problem is, if you knew him, he is a great guy in every other way. He is friendly, pays attention to me, praises me and deals with my insecurities very well. He evens cleans around the house and is the greatest caring father I could imagine for our son, who isnt even biologically his. He loves him like his own child.

If I were the typical girl who didnt mind strip clubs, the good things about him would outweigh the bad by a landslide. Sometimes i feel like i am overreacting, especially when i hear some of my girlfriends say, "i dont care whose tits or ass he stares at all night because I know he loves me." I wish i felt like that!

Listen to your girlfriends, they've got the right idea. From my point of view you really are overreacting. Think about how great you say he is. Would you want to lose all of that because you can't see past this one thing that he does?

As a guy I can vouch for the fact that porn/strip clubs/whatever are totally separate from feelings for a girl. I was totally in love with my last girlfriend but still watched porn while I wasn't with her. I think it's just a natural thing for guys. For me, the act of watching porn etc. is entirely unrelated to a current girlfriend, it's just something guys do.

He probably makes a lot of sacrifices for you, and as you say he treats you extremely well and is a perfect man. It may be very hard but perhaps you could overlook this one aspect of the relationship, block it out of your head. If it's bothering you so much, try to have a good, long and calm talk with him about it. Never resort to hitting, it will only make things worse.

Think about it.. you're married now, so you clearly love each other a whole lot. Is it worth ending it because of these few incidents?

[COAD]

I think you guys need to talk things all over.... You two are not some teenagers no more, who dont understand life yet. You both know what you want and be able to comprehend.

You guys have a son, what example are you showing him by always arguing?

I guess your over reacting a lil bit, but not that much. I am the type of person myself who considers going to a strip club while in a marriage plain WRONG.

What I think you guys should do is sit down and talk this all over in a civilized manner, You guys need to make adjustments that will be suitable for both of you. If you both really love each other you should be able to make arrangements that will keep both of you happy.

[BFTrick]

imagine everytime he looks at that child and thinks of you with that other man...

just to put things in perspective.

also for a perfect guy....a couple bad months isnt too much to ask for? is it?

[jendenovum]

This is such a crappy situation. Thanks for your feedback, guys, even if I have pissed you off. I just wish that men would chill out with strip clubs. I forget whose comment it was, but as far as me doing the fake strip for my friends to make the husband jealous, I dont think that that is me seducing another guy. I wouldnt actually want to do anything with him. Just like the strippers dont want to do anything with you. (Well most of them anyway.) I just want him to see the situation in reverse. Why can he pay to be seduced and thats ok because he is a man, but then it is wrong for me to do that same thing that he wants girls to do for him? (Of course I know becuase I am married now and we both need to grow up)

[NeoSeminole]

b/c watching is different than giving a lap dance. I'm sure you are grown up enough to see the difference. Would you prefer he sit there like a good boy or rub his dick in another girl's face? Ask him if he's okay with you paying money to watch a guy strip. He will probably say "sure" but he will think you are crazy. I don't know too many women who go to strip clubs to see naked men. Stop trying to apply the same logic to both sexes. We think differently. I will never understand why girls demand we leave the toilet seat down. It is so much easier to lower it than to raise it, but I don't complain. I just do it to shut them up. You need to get over your insecurity.

[misombra]

i don't care if the seat is up. i don't care if my bf goes to a strip club. he could even get a lap dance for all i care.

i just want him to clean the damn house!

[NeoSeminole]

tell jendenovum to think more like you!

[misombra]

well i think that way because i trust my boyfriend and he's never cheated on me or lied, completely trust worthy person you know?

but i have a friend who's husband cheated on her and now is about as upset about the idea of him going to a strip bar as jen is, and who can blame her really?

but if there's no reason to mistrust someone then why be so upset and insecure over it. there are much bigger problems in the world to get upset over than men and their senseless entertainment.

[bluesummer]

i don't care if the seat is up. i don't care if my bf goes to a strip club. he could even get a lap dance for all i care.

i just want him to clean the damn house!

A-men. That's all I ask. All I ask dammit.

[NeoSeminole]

Misombra says:

"there are much bigger problems in the world to get upset over than men and their senseless entertainment."

What exactly do women do for entertainment that allows you to make a comment like this? Shopping?