My fiance cheated on me

[abhuchiggu]

Dear Friends It is bit long but please read and advise

I was in relationship with a guy from last 3 years. Things were stable and everything looked perfect. After 1 year of dating he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Since we both belong to south Asia, it is important in our culture to get parents consent. His parents agreed right away however my family did a lots of Drama. Finally my family said yes. The reason for my family's resistance was we both belonged to different communities.

So after everyone was agreed we thought we will marry once we both are settled professionally and it took us another 1.5 years. By that time we moved into one place however as per our culture you are not supposed to do so. Both side of families did not know this as we live in a different city. Now comes the part when my dad decided to come to my city for a health treatment and one of us had to leave the place. I told him I can leave the place but he said he can live with a friend who lived in building next to ours. Dad came here, treatment started. It was his first time to meet someone from my family. I told him not to drink alcohol in front of dad as it is taken as offence in front of elders. He did not listen to me.

My dad did not like me meeting him everyday as before marriage you cant meet so much as our culture. So I use to go to his house making some excuses. It was matter of 8 months (We were getting married in 8 months). I tried to spend as much time as I could without offending my family. 4 months passed, Once I went to his house to give him something and he was in bathroom. there was a movie playing on his desktop so when I hit play but that window got closed and an email window was opened. All I read was "Need NSA relationship". When I scrolled down it was a new email account he created 2 months back and was registered on dating websites.

It was devastating. He came back from bathroom and I asked him about it. He said he was sorry. He said "because your father was here and you were not giving me enough time, I got frustrated so much that I did it". He said he was so used to me that after moving out I did not spent enough time with him as a fiancee and his frustration made him do such stuff. I thought myself as the devoted and dedicated fiancee to him. I told him I cannot go ahead wit it and broke it off right away. I was mad and angry.

But I did not tell this to my family because my family would have started saying "see we told you not to marry him, you went against our wishes". Meanwhile I took time to think about this relationship. There is no doubt that I love this guy more than anything and it hurts me when I see him crying in front of me. But then when this type of cheating comes to my thoughts I feel he did not value me. If he was frustrated he would have fought with me or have s=done something else other than cheating. 2 Months he kept asking and I said no because my mind said if he can do this after 3 years, he will do it later. But heart said differently. I cancelled the weeding planning and related stuff. My family was happy that it is cancelled. They wanted me to marry off with a guy my Dad knew.

I cooled off and had one to one talk to him that I am very hurt from his behavior because I never that there was anything missing in my love, dedication, loyalty for him. His actions have made me question my own judgement. His actions have made me weak in front of my family. The pressure from family to leave him (family still don’t know all this, they just don’t want a guy from other community) and the pain of this breakup have put me in a state where I don’t have anyone to look up to. My family still don’t know actual reason of cancelling wedding, I told them just because they are not happy with it so I called it off. I told him my trust is completely gone and I don’t think if it will be same again as I will doubt him going forward. He said he is not ready to accept it and he will wait for me. There has not been a single day when he did not text me to request me to take him back. Sometime when I meet him and the way he requests I can see that genuine feeling in his eyes and those tears. I do not tell him but it hurts me when I see him in pain.

2 months have been passed since our last talk, I have met him many times in between as we have same set of friends. We keep it on friendly way while trying to move on. But honestly telling I love him so much that I could not imagine my life without him. Whenever I met him and we had a talk about what happened he always feel sorry and wants me to come back. He is adamant about it and I keep thinking about him that How i cannot even think of anything else in my life when he is not here. Without him life is so empty. Last week I went for grocery and he met at store. He offered me a ride since I had loads to carry. On our way back he told me that he want me to take him back as he will keep me happy. But also want to tell me one thing that since our official breakup he did slept with a lady he met in a party as a one night stand.

Now this one actually killed me. It is devastating. Something in me actually died after listening this. I am mad at everyone, at my family, there negativity actually spoiled what was so beautiful and my ex-fiancé threw everything in garbage. I cannot understand what to do. He is again crying and begging to me. He said that since I did not gave him any answer yes or no he don’t know what to do. He did it because he is trying to move on but he cannot live without me. Here my parents already started sending me pictures of guy and his contact details. They want me to start talking to him. With this whole new sleeping incident. I feel worthless for both my family and him. I loved all of them but no one actually thought about me. I really love him so much but I am very angry/mad. What to do.

[SuperHappyTime1]

Wow. That was a long story. You asked for a stranger's opinion on the internet, so I'm going to give it. Feel free to interject with a "You're wrong/immoral/a jerk". It's your life. Live it the way you want to.

The one night stand is actually forgivable. Outrageous, I know, but You Broke Up! He's as free to pursue a ONS, as he is to join a 12-man homosexual orgy, or become completely celibate. Both of you decided to split, so he is as free to do as he wants as he was before he met you.

Now whether I would take him back? Again, that's up to you. Here's some things to consider:
-The South Asian culture is different to me as an American.
-The unspoken rules about any culture is to follow it completely, or completely buck the trend and prove your love for each other. He didn't sound committed to doing either, so I brand him as a wiener.
-While you shouldn't have cared whether or not you offended your family by seeing him (You are in love right?), who the hell considers cheating on a lover after not seeing them for a week? (or if shorter, however long the relationship was)
-It sounds like your family doesn't really care about you, but I'm not hearing the entire side of the story. Were there reasons why they didn't like your fiance? Were they related to his personality, or your actions around him? Or was it that they had a pre-arranged marriage for you and this new boyfriend destroyed those plans?

I hope you find happiness with your choices.

[starbar]

I think you need to accept that its over and start making steps to move on. Its normal to feel hurt for awhile and it takes time to get over someone but you will and in time you will find a guy who respects and loves you more than this. your family love you and want what is best for you. they are right about this guy and you should listen to them. he is not worth it

[Wakeup]

OP: You will get over him once you go ZERO contact. Take a few more weeks of not talking or seeing him and if that means you only see your mutual friends when he's not going to be included then so be it. You can't get over someone and accept that they are no longer going to be in your life when then are still in your life.

Once you've come to terms with the fact that he's not the man you are meant to spend the rest of your life with then contact the man that your parents have approved for you. He may be just the person that will make you happy and give you a loving and fulfilling life together. You don't have to marry him is he is not the man for you.

Next time you date, don't do anything that your religious/culture does not allow. If you're not going to be honest about what you are doing then don't do it.