Men and Marriage

[ginabina88]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2.5 years. We are both in our upper 20's. I have been a teacher for 3 years and he will be graduating college in the fall. We have been planning to move to Nevada in January, and recently we took our last vacation there before we move. We have talked about marriage and kids and both of us were on board, until we came back from our trip. I recently noticed my boyfriend was acting a bit distant, but figured it was due to his busy work and school schedule. He ended up telling me this week that he is not ready for marriage and is unhappy with his freedom in our relationship. It came as a shock to me, because he has not shared his thoughts about how he feels and I felt blindsided and confused.

After talking to him and asking questions, I told him that the fears that he has should have been brought up months ago and not bottled up inside, which is not fair to me or to our relationship. He also has a fear of marriage due to his parents divorce, their money issues, and the fact that they hate each other. He also said that he wants to be more established in his new job once he graduates, and have time to settle down in nevada once we move. His fear is also losing his freedom, as far as hanging out with friends, which I have not told him he cant, but I think its more that he feels bad about leaving me and he wants to regain control of some of his finances. Which I come from a saving family, so I know that I get overcautious when it comes to saving money.

He ultimately said that he wants to give me a chance to prove that these types of things won't happen and I told him that he needs to communicate right away like I do, instead of holding it in and making it worse. I guess my main question is that is it normal for men to feel like this towards marriage? What can I do to help him open up about his parents issues and not think that those issues will be our issues if we get married? What can I do to give him his space financially and with friends?

[starbar]

how can you prove that "these things wont happen". These things do happen! every marriage has financial issues at some point or many other ups and downs. Its called life.. honestly if he cannot handle the heat, then get out of the kitchen.

hes not having doubts about marriage. He is having doubts about you and I think this is a warning sign that he could already be on the way out.. There is no point moving together somewhere where you don't know anyone, have no support, are isolated and alone and then have to deal with a breakup.. tell him hes either all in or out and you wont sit back while he plays with your feelings..

the only thing you need to prove to him is that you don't NEED him! you will be just fine without him and show him what a comfident, independant, strong, beautiful person you are. If hes not on his hands and knees begging for another chance in a few weeks than hunni its his loss

if I was in this situation, I would end it and say I am not wasting another second on someone who isn't sure about me.. take back the power and be in control. he will be so in awe of you, he wont want to leave

[basilandthyme]

No, it's not a "man" thing. Cold feet can happen to anyone who is having problems in the relationship.

He probably didn't communicate his feelings right away because he was unsure of what he was feeling. It's very likely that he needed to think about it for a bit and be sure of himself before he said anything.

Starbar is right when she says that nasty divorces can happen. There is no guarantee - and no way to prove - that it won't happen to the two of you as well. The only thing which a marriage couple has going in is faith in themselves and each other. Sometimes that faith works out really well and sometimes it falls in a heap.

The financial issues are important. It's the primary cause of marriage breakdown. How did he end up feeling out of control with his finances? Does he not get full autonomy in managing his own money?