Is this toxic?

[Nicolelong]

Why are you so confused about what is happening here, and why it's happening?

[Wakeup]

I don't know how I ruined it and made him care so little about me. I just hated how after a year he couldn't say I love you or have any sort of convo about the future- and immediately after finally saying I love you back, he started flirting, trying to sneak out with that other girl behind my back. I know I bugged him to talk about the future and how serious he was and seemed insecure, but I feel like a guy who does that, and also never spends much time or effort or tells you much of anything positive, and makes up reasons you can't meet or talk to his family , and declares "work is my priority not you, so get that in your head," is always gonna leave the girl feeling insecure

Jayzus... you finally get it.

Now... all ya gotta do is either shut up and settle for that or get out now, heal from the breakup and find someone who won't always make you feel insecure.

He's not going to change and I suspect that in the long run, you will be without him anyway when he leaves you for someone else that his parents will approve of. I said it three pages ago and I'm still staying it now because you've not said anything new to convince me otherwise.

[basilandthyme]

I don't know how I ruined it and made him care so little about me. I just hated how after a year he couldn't say I love you or have any sort of convo about the future- and immediately after finally saying I love you back, he started flirting, trying to sneak out with that other girl behind my back. I know I bugged him to talk about the future and how serious he was and seemed insecure, but I feel like a guy who does that, and also never spends much time or effort or tells you much of anything positive, and makes up reasons you can't meet or talk to his family , and declares "work is my priority not you, so get that in your head," is always gonna leave the girl feeling insecure

Rose you didn't ruin this or make him care so little about you. He never cared about you to start with - and this is part of the reason you chose him.

[Roses919191]

I think you're right. I mean, a guy who really never makes plans with me, goes along for the ride, doesn't really tell me much about himself /family/his life or ask me about mine... It got confusing after a year though, because we were still together and then he finally said "I love you and I do want to marry you" back. But he only said it bc I had been upset and told him "I don't think we're on the same page." could he really have meant it when he immediately tried to meet up with another girl at a bar and continued to flirt/ask her for pics/ said they'll drink at her apartment together when she's back in town, for weeks??

[basilandthyme]

I think you're right. I mean, a guy who really never makes plans with me, goes along for the ride, doesn't really tell me much about himself /family/his life or ask me about mine... It got confusing after a year though, because we were still together and then he finally said "I love you and I do want to marry you" back. But he only said it bc I had been upset and told him "I don't think we're on the same page." could he really have meant it when he immediately tried to meet up with another girl at a bar and continued to flirt/ask her for pics/ said they'll drink at her apartment together when she's back in town, for weeks??

I think I said this earlier: It's a lie and he would have said either to string you along or to get you off his back about marriage. These aren't the actions of a man who means what he says.

[Roses919191]

If he'd texted a girl to go out that night, fine. But you really think it's fine for him to continue flirting, asking her for pics, and saying he'll definitely come over and drink at her apartment with her Once she's back in town? And he kept deleting the texts or changing her name to a guy friends. All this after telling me "I love you" for first tiMe which I think may ha e been just to play along since he'd never said it, or anything nice like it, in over a year of dating

[basilandthyme]

No it's not fine for him to do that. But given his lack of apparent love for you, you'd be foolish to expect anything else from him.

[Roses919191]

When I look at photos of my ex, I see someone who objectively isn't physically attractive to me. In real life, I was drawn to him/felt amazing chemistry bc on the first date, was very smooth and all over me, clearly wanting to come in, acting very confident and like he'd done this before, and- this is a big one- I'd perceived during the date that he wasn't a sweet or "nice" guy, didn't seem concerned with truly starting to get to know me or telling me anything beyond superficial about him, didn't seem concerned with whether he was making a good impression on me. And he had the "right" job box checked off on my checklist (ie he basically has my own job). if he'd messaged me on a dating site, I highly doubt I would've responded bc 1) when I look at photos of my ex, I don't find him very attractive and 2) I guarantee his conversation would've bored me, as it so often did in real life, never scratching the surface of superficial.

But even when it became clear he wasn't that into me and we didn't have a "deep" connection, some part of me wanted to continue with him because I felt almost relieved that I could be with someone good on the surface and didn't have to be "alone," yet I also didn't have to form a true, deep connection or intimacy with a guy, which is a thought that kind of turns me off and makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather worry about whether he's flirting with other girls than spend time with a nice guy who's really trying to connect with me.

What's wrong with me? I actually want the emotionally unavailable man despite the fact that he clearly doesn't treat me "well."

[Roses919191]

I just look at the sadness in his eyes and how he no longer avoids me, but instead tells me it's been hard to concentrate on work (which was always his "priority"), and my heart melts. I just want to know how to bridge the gap between us and make him want me back

[basilandthyme]

*head desk*

[basilandthyme]

OK, so that wasn't my most helpful comment.

So you're back to square one: trying to figure out how to make this man want you. Have you still not figured out that you should save yourself for a man who knows that he really wants you in his life?

Of course, you can waste your life with a man who gives you crumbs - I really don't care. But you really should stop complaining when you get what you chase.

[Roses919191]

Now he says he regrets the way he's done things, he isn't ready to get married right now, needs time alone and space "to process things, and then we'll talk." Gave me a big hug.

[basilandthyme]

Now he says he regrets the way he's done things, he isn't ready to get married right now, needs time alone and space "to process things, and then we'll talk." Gave me a big hug.

Ah, so he's stringing you along a bit further

[Roses919191]

Ah, so he's stringing you along a bit further

How is that bad? I think he regrets letting me go and will come around and realize he wants to commit now that he misses me so much

[basilandthyme]

How is that bad? I think he regrets letting me go and will come around and realize he wants to commit now that he misses me so much

He's not ready to marry. He wants time and space without you. And you interpret this as him wanting to commit to you.

One thing's for sure, of all the time and effort put in by posters trying to help you - you haven't learned a damn thing.