Is this toxic?

[Roses919191]

Ok but in your example
Of a friend who got strung along was the guy actually telling her he'd eventually marry her whenever he felt the Time was right? Because mine did

[solarion]

You do of course realize that "when the time is right" does not have an expiration date...correct? What if the "right time" for him is never?

[basilandthyme]

Ok but in your example
Of a friend who got strung along was the guy actually telling her he'd eventually marry her whenever he felt the Time was right? Because mine did

The fact that your guy currently doesn't know if/when he wants to marry you negates any promises made previously. And those previous promises your guy made WERE given under your duress. He only said it to shut you up.

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And if you're so sure he's going to marry you, why are you bothering to post here?

[Roses919191]

The fact that your guy currently doesn't know if/when he wants to marry you negates any promises made previously. And those previous promises your guy made WERE given under your duress. He only said it to shut you up.

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And if you're so sure he's going to marry you, why are you bothering to post here?

I just feel better now than when I was living there. When I was right there, he took me for granted. But how do u explain why a guy who used to Stone cold ignore me for days w every conflict, now picks up phone immediately and talks to me for over an hour? Saying he misses me and the door isn't closed on us. Having insight that he needs to process & work through the issues ("fighting about marriage") that led to breakup in first place. Says who knows what future will bring for us. This doesn't sound like much to you all, but it's WAY more emotion than I ever thought I'd get out of him. This is why I feel he's making progress toward realizing, shoot, he misses me and shouldn't screw up a great thing bc of his fear of commitment.

[dontaskme]

I just feel better now than when I was living there. When I was right there, he took me for granted. But how do u explain why a guy who used to Stone cold ignore me for days w every conflict, now picks up phone immediately and talks to me for over an hour? Saying he misses me and the door isn't closed on us. Having insight that he needs to process & work through the issues ("fighting about marriage") that led to breakup in first place. Says who knows what future will bring for us. This doesn't sound like much to you all, but it's WAY more emotion than I ever thought I'd get out of him. This is why I feel he's making progress toward realizing, shoot, he misses me and shouldn't screw up a great thing bc of his fear of commitment.

This thread is starting to become toxic in itself.

[solarion]

I just feel better now than when I was living there. When I was right there, he took me for granted. But how do u explain why a guy who used to Stone cold ignore me for days w every conflict, now picks up phone immediately and talks to me for over an hour? Saying he misses me and the door isn't closed on us. Having insight that he needs to process & work through the issues ("fighting about marriage") that led to breakup in first place. Says who knows what future will bring for us. This doesn't sound like much to you all, but it's WAY more emotion than I ever thought I'd get out of him. This is why I feel he's making progress toward realizing, shoot, he misses me and shouldn't screw up a great thing bc of his fear of commitment.

Of all the threads I've seen here in the, admittedly short while I've been here, yours is the most compelling case I've seen. Please seek professional help. Your issues are way beyond the scope of an online semi-anonymous chat forum.

[Roses919191]

Of all the threads I've seen here in the, admittedly short while I've been here, yours is the most compelling case I've seen. Please seek professional help. Your issues are way beyond the scope of an online semi-anonymous chat forum.

Why? I'm just a girl who loves a guy who loves her back but has some commitment issues to work through first.

[dontaskme]

Why? I'm just a girl who loves a guy who loves her back but has some commitment issues to work through first.

You are nothing but a troll who knows how to stretch the limits of posters on this forum

[solarion]

Why? <denial of facts in evidence>

Because dear, you refuse to acknowledge your own culpability in this seemingly never ending cycle of emotional abuse. Because you ask for non-biased objective opinion but fail to even consider anything said that does not match your own pre-conceived and plainly biased notions.

[melancholia]

Roses, your problem is that you choose men who abuse you. He is fulfilling your need to be abused. He may not be physically hurting you, but he is emotionally and mentally abusive to you and you allow it. You don't want advice, you want validation in your choices and you want someone to say, "yes, he will marry you one day and your life will be exactly how you want it to be", but guess what? Life doesn't work that way. Damaged people attract damaged people and he is clearly damaged, as are you. I don't have any advice to offer you because I know you won't take it, you will take what I say and read what you want to read and you'll make your own decision regardless of what is healthy for you; because that is all you know. As heartbreaking as it is, that's the cold and honest truth. We accept the love we think we deserve. You are in a loveless relationship and you are fully accepting of this, even though the logical side of you knows better, you are actively choosing to stay put in a relationship that is unhealthy and not well-balanced. You cannot expect things to change if you aren't willing to make any changes.

[Roses919191]

Roses, your problem is that you choose men who abuse you. He is fulfilling your need to be abused. He may not be physically hurting you, but he is emotionally and mentally abusive to you and you allow it. You don't want advice, you want validation in your choices and you want someone to say, "yes, he will marry you one day and your life will be exactly how you want it to be", but guess what? Life doesn't work that way. Damaged people attract damaged people and he is clearly damaged, as are you. I don't have any advice to offer you because I know you won't take it, you will take what I say and read what you want to read and you'll make your own decision regardless of what is healthy for you; because that is all you know. As heartbreaking as it is, that's the cold and honest truth. We accept the love we think we deserve. You are in a loveless relationship and you are fully accepting of this, even though the logical side of you knows better, you are actively choosing to stay put in a relationship that is unhealthy and not well-balanced. You cannot expect things to change if you aren't willing to make any changes.

This is a very insightful, wise post and I agree. It is bizarre for me to say "I don't want a normal man." I am ackn owledging that he is not, and that he's cold, but when he starts to break down even a tiny bit (like the phone call) I am thrilled and the highs are enough for me. So you're probably right- I'm asking for advice on how to get him back that most people can't provide bc they can't imagine what it feels like to be us.

[basilandthyme]

This is a very insightful, wise post and I agree. It is bizarre for me to say "I don't want a normal man." I am ackn owledging that he is not, and that he's cold, but when he starts to break down even a tiny bit (like the phone call) I am thrilled and the highs are enough for me. So you're probably right- I'm asking for advice on how to get him back that most people can't provide bc they can't imagine what it feels like to be us.

You didn't realise this already?

[Wakeup]

This is a very insightful, wise post and I agree. It is bizarre for me to say "I don't want a normal man." I am ackn owledging that he is not, and that he's cold, but when he starts to break down even a tiny bit (like the phone call) I am thrilled and the highs are enough for me. So you're probably right- I'm asking for advice on how to get him back that most people can't provide bc they can't imagine what it feels like to be us.

Oh... I've seen lots of movies regarding psychologically dysfunctional females that show very clearly what it's like to be like you.

Allow me to list a few:

* Fatal Attraction
* 9-1/2 Weeks
* He's Just Not That Into You

I suspect that when he's "ready to get married" that is when he will marry the woman his parents have chosen for him.

[melancholia]

Roses, what you are wrong about is you assumption that none of us understand where you are coming from. Regardless of where you are from, where you live, what kind of job your ideal partner should have, etc. is irrelevant; because you have a persistent need to continue the cycle of abuse. That is how you feel loved -- not because he treats you badly, but because when he finally gives you an inch, you feel like you are going to get a mile. But guess what? It doesn't work that way with abusers. He gives you an inch so that you will continue to perform your role as the abused. You are both fulfilling each other's needs in this relationship. So, in fact, it is exactly what you want. It's just unfortunate and heartbreaking that both of you are so damaged. Because if neither of you were, maybe you could have a healthy, successful relationship together instead of what you have now.