Is this toxic?

[Roses919191]

I'm grateful to the many people on this board who gave me good advice about my relationship in the past. Here's how things have gone since I last posted:

After a year of dating, I notice he barely sends 1 text a day, never plans dates or even to "hang out" in advance (though doesn't turn you down whenever you suggest coming over his place). That was my BF --Never tries to make any real conversation about how my day or his day was, about his family (he literally told me nothing), or plans he might suggest for the weekend let alone the future. Criticized (actually very highly respected) job even in front of my own mom. Aloof and cold, forget smiles, sweet words, or any sort of physical affection. (My own family noticed his coldness whenever they were around him; he was cold both to them and to me.) In fact, if I asked for a hug or asked if he wanted to come to bed/cuddle, he'd stare and said "you're not 5 years old."

After over a year, he had never said "I love you" -- but besides that, he also never told me anything he loved or appreciated or respected about me- even some dumb random little thing. If I tell him I got praise from a boss at work, he responds "cool" with a flat voice and face, later tells me "what are you a 5 year old? Are you expecting me to pat you on the back?"

Finally I said I wasn't sure we were on the same page -- because I ultimately want marriage & kids, and he hadn't even said he loved me, let alone much else. He responded "I do love you, and I want marriage and kids with you when the time is right." I gave him a hug, said "well you know I had plans with my best friend, can't stand her up. See you later." What did he do? Immediately texted single girl whom he'd met recently to meet him at a bar. She couldn't join, but he proceeded to flirt with her over text for a while, even while sleeping with me. Stuff like "I wish I had more pics of you." A month later, she texts to ask my BF if he'll come over her apartment and drink with her next time she's back in town. My BF responds, "definitely."

And posters here asked me about meeting his family. He once said, "Want proof that family isn't very important to me? I haven't seen mine in 10 years" (they are in a foreign country). Finally he went back to meet them, but I was not invited (he made up a reason). I said "that's fine but I'd love to at least Skype, talk to them on the phone, online, anything. Family's very improtant to me adn I'd love to start to get to know yours." He claimed they knew abut me, but when I finally messaged his sister on Facebook, she said she knew nothing about me and later, she begged me to make my BF care about his family as much as I seem to care about mine. She said, "I feel he has forgotten us."

So, what do I do? At times I thought me asking about the future and being insecure pushed him away. But now I'm wondering if I had every reason to be insecure, and I would never have "pushed" for engagement or whatever if I actually had reason to trust he was serious about me.

[basilandthyme]

Roses, he's clearly not meeting any of your relationship needs. So why are you still with him? Serious question.

And if you're going to give a reason such as "I love him", tell us WHY he's so lovable.

[Roses919191]

Roses, he's clearly not meeting any of your relationship needs. So why are you still with him? Serious question.

He has the same super high-standing job as me. I feel I shouldn't "settle" for someone who has a "lesser" resume. They could be richer than us in a different field, but I just want a man who is MY field and MY title. At first I thought this meant the guy would really understand me... However, even though my BF understands the technical jargon, he is actually unsupportive -- either criticizing what I said I did in a situation at work, and if I say my boss praised me, he says "That's cool" with a flat face. So I don't know . I'm terrified of ending up bored and "stuck" with a "nice guy" who I can trust is into me and whom I don't have to fight to "win over." I'm terrified of feeling unfulfilled and bored if there's no challenge

[basilandthyme]

Well then. You are the author of your own tragedy.

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Seriously. All you care about is that he has the same job as you? Nothing in here about how kind he is or that he's a good man. Nothing about morals and ethics. Nothing about finding a man who has the same dreams and goals and makes you laugh.

I guess you've got what you wished for.

[dontaskme]

He has the same super high-standing job as me. I feel I shouldn't "settle" for someone who has a "lesser" resume. They could be richer than us in a different field, but I just want a man who is MY field and MY title. At first I thought this meant the guy would really understand me... However, even though my BF understands the technical jargon, he is actually unsupportive -- either criticizing what I said I did in a situation at work, and if I say my boss praised me, he says "That's cool" with a flat face. So I don't know . I'm terrified of ending up bored and "stuck" with a "nice guy" who I can trust is into me and whom I don't have to fight to "win over." I'm terrified of feeling unfulfilled and bored if there's no challenge

You do not want to settle for someone with a "lesser resume", lol! You consider dating like a job application!

Well, if that is the way you look at things, then you will never find a partner who will treat you like you are worth it. Instead of looking at a guy based on his job, what about considering a person based on his values and how he treats people? You say you do not want to settle but you are settling right now with a guy who could care less about your feelings. Perhaps, he doesn't give a shit about you because he knows that for as long as he holds his "super high-standing job", you ain't going anywhere.

I have a great job that pays very well and I am lucky enough to have met someone who has an even better job (better than a super high-standing job) that pays even more but that's not the reason why I am with him. I chose him because of his wits, sense of humor, humility, honesty, easy going personality, etc, etc. When I look at him, I don't see a job, I see a very sweet, loving man.

Stop complaining and accept your man for the way he is because he is exactly what you asked for!

[Roses919191]

I know it seems messed up. I have no idea why ill feel disappointed or bored or like I'm settling for a great guy just because I didn't meet my "full potential" by hooking someone with my exact High standing job description

[dontaskme]

I know it seems messed up. I have no idea why ill feel disappointed or bored or like I'm settling for a great guy just because I didn't meet my "full potential" by hooking someone with my exact High standing job description

WTF kind of job do you hold? I can't even make sense of what you are saying. I hope you will not be the downfall of the company you are working for because you sound absurd right now.

[Wakeup]

He has the same super high-standing job as me. I feel I shouldn't "settle" for someone who has a "lesser" resume.

Why you elitist twit you. Regardless of your pretentious attitude, you do know that there are men out there that are your equal when it comes to career that are not sociopathic, unempathetic, zombie men, right?

They could be richer than us in a different field, but I just want a man who is MY field and MY title.

So you're also prejudice in that way as well, Humph! I think you should stay with this guy and suffer the consequences of your poor choices then.

At first I thought this meant the guy would really understand me... However, even though my BF understands the technical jargon, he is actually unsupportive -- either criticizing what I said I did in a situation at work, and if I say my boss praised me, he says "That's cool" with a flat face.

What are you five?

So I don't know . I'm terrified of ending up bored and "stuck" with a "nice guy" who I can trust is into me and whom I don't have to fight to "win over." I'm terrified of feeling unfulfilled and bored if there's no challenge

lMFAO Then stay with the guy that so smartly keeps you hooked with his indifference and apathy. He sure knows how to play you.

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Troll be trolling.

[Roses919191]

But I loved how he truly didn't seem to care about me, was just so self confident and a little arrogant. So sexy. Yes I hated the anxiety of always wondering if he's flirting with another, or the pain of him completely stone cold ignoring me for days any conflict we had. But I loved those Other things . Yet at the same time I see myself marrying someone who's a bit gentler, would be kind to our kids and doesn't have his own sister begging me to make him care about his family

[Nicolelong]

I had genuine sympathy for you until I read your replies. No wonder you are struggling with becoming connected to this man when the only quality you look for is his career. THIS is what happens when you use something as superficial as a job title to find your man instead of his character and personality. *Facepalm*

I don't even know what to say...or if you are even for real with this thread

[basilandthyme]

But I loved how he truly didn't seem to care about me, was just so self confident and a little arrogant. So sexy. Yes I hated the anxiety of always wondering if he's flirting with another, or the pain of him completely stone cold ignoring me for days any conflict we had.

In previous posts you've been wondering why he won't marry you. No need to ask anymore: HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! Why on earth did you think he'd marry you??

[Roses919191]

Do you think people's advice in my earlier thread, about backing off and trusting him about getting married, would've been different if I'd been honest about the full, true circumstances of our relationship?

[dontaskme]

Do you think people's advice in my earlier thread, about backing off and trusting him about getting married, would've been different if I'd been honest about the full, true circumstances of our relationship?

First of all, the posters response to your previous thread about getting engage was "no, you will never get engage with this man!" That still stands true today.

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I forgot the second part, lol. Secondly, you have described the full circumstance of your relationship, he didn't give a shit about you then, he still doesn't give a shit about you now. But you enjoy that kind of treatment anyway, so why not stick with the man of your dreams?

[basilandthyme]

Do you think people's advice in my earlier thread, about backing off and trusting him about getting married, would've been different if I'd been honest about the full, true circumstances of our relationship?

The posters then identified him as being all kinds of bad and you as being delusional. Had they known then what we know now, the advice probably would have been along the lines of "you got what you wanted, now stop complaining"

I doubt you would have taken any notice though.

[Wakeup]

But I loved how he truly didn't seem to care about me, was just so self confident and a little arrogant. So sexy.

Well you good little submissive, you.

Yes I hated the anxiety of always wondering if he's flirting with another, or the pain of him completely stone cold ignoring me for days any conflict we had.

Oh but the make up must have been awesome for you, that bliss. (crazy fvck)

Yet at the same time I see myself marrying someone who's a bit gentler, would be kind to our kids and doesn't have his own sister begging me to make him care about his family

He hasn't asked you to marry him. Seems he's happy to accommodate your need to be abused.

Tell us about your childhood.





FFS O.o