Depression...

[Cecu]

Hey Guys!
I have a problem with my girlfriend hmmm... she's kinda dramatic, self-centered, overthinking and a bit panicky when it comes to important stuff like assignment and test. She tends to get depressed when she's left alone or did something wrong even though the mistake was very very little, and makes and small issue bigger by overthinking she will cry and everybody around will look at her, well of course that's the reaction of people; I know that she's sensitive and all but then she does those things often (more like 2 years or so of repetition) and the people around me are pretty much irritated cause she does it often. I defended her, comforted her and advice her well, but even if I does things, she keeps on doing the same thing over and over again. And earlier she was kinda overly attached, when I didn't attend class for the day, because I have a headache and body pain that I can't walk properly, she kept on telling me to text her. She was sad and kinda avoiding people according to my friend, then later I talked to her, she told me to go to class tomorrow, even though I though my body is still aching. Yeah it's kinda clingy, she even said it, and she told me that she was all alone but clearly she was avoiding people even though my friend was approaching her... So now she slept depressed, that I might not go to class tomorrow; well it's only natural that would happen but then for me it's a bit well hard cause my body still aches and she's kinda forcing me to go, sooo guys I need your help, what should I do with her depression issue, overthinking and her overly attachiness? please? :<<

[Nicolelong]

While I can definitely empathize with having depression, you both need to realize that you are not her caretaker, her parent, or her babysitter.

It's people like this that will alienate you from your friends, family, and hobbies. If you are serious about making this work, you need to have a good talk with her about boundaries and having your own space. She would probably benefit from some counselling as well, so she doesn't have to feel so overwhelmed by life.

And if you aren't feeling well? REST, don't go to class.

[Cecu]

Thank you! that really helped, I'll let her be counselled. And yeah before, I talked to her about space and boundaries, but it's like she just heard what I said and didn't listen; she just cried. I guess counselling will be the solution, thank you again! Really appreciate it

[TheEvilJester]

What should YOU do about her depression? Honestly, nothing. You can be there for her, support her, do the best you can to help her, but there really isn't much you can do. That has to be in her to show up to her own fight. Depression sucks. I know from experience. It sucks, and it is HARD, but you can't just give up and roll over or how can you ever expect to get through it? She needs to do whatever it takes to come out of this. If that means she needs to seek professional help, then she should do just that.

It is NOT a sign of weakness to acknowledge when you need help, and it is NOT a sign of weakness to accept help when you need it. So, if she cannot defeat this on her own, then you should encourage her to seek the help she needs.

At some point, there needs to be a rock bottom for you. A final straw. I don't mean this to sound heartless, but sometimes if people refuse to help themselves, you need to worry about your own well-being. You can't let somebody drag you down with them because they refuse to put in any effort to pull themselves up. I hope, for your sake and for hers, that you never have to learn what your rock bottom is, but I sincerely hope that you at least do have one.

Yes, it is noble and the right thing to do to want to stick around with her and help her fight this. At the same time, though, there needs to be a breaking point. If she makes sincere efforts to get better, that is great, and your support would really help. But, if she turns into one of those people who always cries "woe is me" but then never makes any effort to help themselves, or get the help they need, there is only so much a person can/should put up with before it starts negatively effecting them.

Good luck. I hope you can help her, and I hope she can help herself. Depression sucks, so I definitely feel her pain. I wish her the best in her fight and hope very soon she can find her way through the stormy clouds into her own happiness.

[Cecu]

Thank youuu very much! well she's improving a bit and, I know it's hard to deal with depression; on what I do I just stay beside her give her a hug and listen to her. I really want to work this out with her, and I guess she needs help for depression. She really wants to help herself too, she just doesn't know how to start. I'll do what ever I can do help her and support her ) Thanks again D

[basilandthyme]

Excellent post by Jester.

She starts by acknowledging that she has a problem and that she is the one who needs to fix it. Then she should start to see a psychologist so that she can unpack her issues and learn how to cope with them. Medication may also be very helpful.

Also, she needs to be aware that the first psychologist and/or first meds may not be a perfect fit. Sometimes it takes a couple of attempts before finding the right solution.

In the meantime, you need to keep your own boundaries solid. This business of her wanting you to go to class when sick is not OK. No matter how much she cries or begs, you need to stand your ground. You also have to find the line between supporting her and giving positive reinforcement for her behaviour. At present, she'd be getting a lot of positive feedback from her behaviour...which means she will keep doing it. There is a time for saying "you need to make different choices" or "you are being unreasonable" or "you need to seek professional help because I'm out of my depth" or "this isn't just about you". If she's upset about losing friends, she needs to understand how her behaviour is driving them away.

This will be a tough journey for both of you.

[TheEvilJester]

Good for her that she has made some improvement. Even making the smallest improvement when you are lost in your depression can be a lot harder than it seems. It is a big deal when you can even make a little bit of headway in getting better. The fact that she has improved is a good sign. Now, what she should do is to keep fighting. Figuratively speaking, battling depression is almost like holding on for dear life when you are about to fall off a tall ledge. Once you have even the slightest pinky hold, you have to hold on for dear life and fight and claw to gain even more leverage.

Basil makes a great point. It can be very discouraging for somebody facing depression to finally muster up the courage to get themselves help only to feel like it isn't making a difference. As basil says, sometimes the first therapist you see, or the first med you take wind up not being the right match. It stinks, but best not to let yourself get discouraged. Hopefully she realizes this if she does try to get help, but if not you can do your best to be there for her and help her through the process.

The other thing I hope she understands (and that you do as well) is that it is a long and sometimes frustrating process. Don't expect immediate, overnight success. It will take time. Still, what she needs to know is it is worth the struggle. After all, what is the alternative? Giving up and just being lost in your depression? How could you NOT want to fight your way out of that no matter what it takes? Nobody should have to live like that.

I also agree with basil on not reinforcing her negative behaviors, such as wanting you to come to class even though you are sick. What you can do, though, is reinforce HER while still not reinforcing her negative behaviors/habits. What do I mean by that? Basically, that you can give her positive feedback and reassure her without also doing things that just wind up being a crush. For example, when she asked you to come to class even though you were not feeling well, you really should have allowed yourself to rest, but at the same time you could still be firm with her on it while also reassuring her that everything is okay and that you are there for her. You don't reinforce negative habits that will only help to stifle her progress, but at the same time you still make it very clear that you are here for her. Make sense? I'm not sure if I am really explaining that concept well.

Good luck to her, and good luck to you as well. I hope she is able to get the help she needs, or do whatever it takes to find her way back into the sunlight.