Social media issues in marriage

[Dee6315]

Hi . So my husband and I have been married 12 years , have 3 kids . We've had good and bad times but over the past year we've really re evaluated our marriage and have made efforts to improve it . Communicating better , talking before fighting , taking time for eachother etc... Things have been good , problem is he recently got on facebook . He started friending all these out of state half naked women , everyday there's him making comments like oh your insanely gorgeous ...love your eyes .... You look hot ..etc... And he left his account open on computer and I saw that he has been private messaging some of these girls and having prolonged conversations .. Listening to their problems .... Day to day how are you ..I miss talking to you ... I think about u ... Gets some of the women to send him naked pics too. I confront him , he says it's harmless Bc he had no intent on meeting them but admittedly enjoys the attention he gets from these random women . He says I love u , I go home to u every night . I'm married to you . I explain this is hurtful to me and disrespectful. He responds back by shutting down his account altogether and accuses me of micro managing him and not allowing him to have friends , I say it's inappropriate and disrespectful to me . We're not young kids screwing around . We are both in our 40s and this isn't normal . I said if he wants to do that then he needs to be single and do that . He keeps being nasty to me in regards to forcing him to not talk to random women . Am I crazy ? I told him if I was doing something he found upsetting I would address it and rectify it . I feel like he's trying to turn this around and Blame me ? Please help with advice . I should also note 5 years ago we separated bc he cheated w a co worker and we worked very hard to get our life and trust and marriage back on track .

[Wakeup]

You and he seriously need to get yourselves to marriage therapy and he needs to get himself to personal therapy to discuss in private with someone why he needs this attention from other women. There is something missing in HIM to the point that he has an addiction to getting his self-worth through superficial and inappropriate goings-on with other women. I suspect that they are sexting and he's masturbating to their text and pictures.

I would hope that you would be okay with him masturbating to some one dimensional porn but to be interacting with other women and then acting like a 12 year old when he is called on it means that he really should address what is missing in him.

I commend you both for trying to keep your marriage together but its gone beyond you or he being able to fix this so it stays fixed. He has an issue and as a woman who is supposed to be in a mutually respectful, monogamous union you are hardly "micro-managing" him. He has been crossing a very fundamental relationship boundary. Thing is to find out why he keeps doing it.

[basilandthyme]

No, you're not crazy. But his initial choices of how he uses FB and his resulting blame of you is so incredibly over-the-top wrong, that I can't help but wonder if this is just the tip of the iceberg that you're dealing with.

[TheEvilJester]

.....I can't even begin to understand how he thinks that is even the slightest bit okay. If you found him Facebooking friends, some of whom happened to be female, and it was 100% platonic and innocent, then I'd maybe say you were wrong if you flipped out over it and forced him to stop. He was blatantly flirting with women with half-naked pics, contacting them privately, asking them for nude pics (and sometimes receiving them), flirting.

I don't see how any of that is in the least bit innocent. You were not wrong to be upset, and him trying to turn this around on you shows a level of immaturity and childishness that I would hope he would have given up after high school.

All of this was how I felt before you revealed the fact that he once cheated on you in the past. Now, granted you said that was 5 years ago. IF he has done nothing in those 5 years to show there may be a repeat offense, then he definitely deserves some level of trust. However, that doesn't mean it is okay for him to go play around and act like that is okay because he's just having "some harmless fun." The fact that he could not understand how this would make you feel, especially after his past screw up, just baffles my mind.

Heck, on a side note, are these other women aware that he is married? If so, then they are being just as deplorable as he is. If not, then he is wronging them just as much. Not that they should be your concern. I'm just saying.

Anyway, I agree that couples therapy may be in order, and I also agree that he should get help himself. He needs to figure out what is wrong with him that causes him to feel the need to seek attention outside of his marriage. Good luck to you. You deserve better than that. I hope he can BE that better, but if not I hope you care about yourself enough to do what you have to do.