Should i forgive him?

[Traveller89]

I broke up with my fiancé almost two months ago because i found out (due to an avo being served on him at my house) that he had been harassing another woman when he told me he was going to visit his daughter, who lives a two hour drive away. I had asked him several times who this woman was as i had seen her name come up on his phone multiple times and i 'thought' (read knew) i had seen messages he had written to her along the lines of 'i love you' or 'i wish you were here' etc. I could never prove it though because he wouldn't let me touch his phone and every time i confronted him, he said i was imagining it.

He's been contacting me at work, leaving messages out of hours, telling me he's learnt his lesson, that he'll be completely honest and open with me if i take him back. Problem is, this isn't the first time he's lied to me about something massive - he didn't tell me he had been married and had a child until i found their wedding photos and her facebook profile with their family photos.

I'm still in love with him but my head says that i can't trust him again - my family and friends certainly won't. I feel like i'm in a never ending tennis match, bouncing between missing him so much i can't breathe and wishing he would just leave me alone. Should i trust my head or my heart?

[basilandthyme]

Let's forget about the lies for a minute. This guy got served with an AVO for harassing a woman! You're with an abusive man who has no respect for boundaries. He may say that he's learned his lesson, but we're talking very ingrained behaviour here.

Between the lies and the abuse, I wouldn't trust him again either.

My main concern now is for you because I'm worried that you may also require an AVO when you dump him. Be very careful.

[Wakeup]

You should make it so that he cannot contact you again because you are very vulnerable when you are missing him and you are apt to do something really stupid and harmful to yourself by letting him worm his way back into your life.

You are going through the withdrawl from your drug of choice known as BAD BOYFRIEND so you're going to be hurting for a bit but if you stay strong, the toxic addictive substance will be out of your system and you'll stop hurting. It will then just be a matter of going through a bit of psychological withdrawl as you work on your personal boundaries and love of self so that you don't cave and take another hit of him.

You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette so stop letting him reach you with words of BULLSHIT. Zero contact will help you rehab from him. You will never be able to trust him because he is basically untrustworthy. Without therapy, he is unable to change so don't believe his words.

[TheEvilJester]

I think one of the most important things to realize in a situation like this is that you don't really miss HIM. I know it feels that way, but you don't. What you miss is the him you thought he was. What you miss is the way that made you feel. Unfortunately, they were lies. He's not the good person you thought he was. You've caught him on HUGE lies in the past. ....That was bad enough. But, you tried to see past that and give him a chance. Good for you for being able to be so forgiving. I don't know if I would have suggested the same thing, and I certainly wouldn't have given him another chance had I been you. But that doesn't make your choice wrong.

However... now he's proven he hasn't changed. In all likelihood, he never will. Bottom line, though, whether or not he will change needs to no longer be your problem. Trust me, you aren't crazy for still having trouble letting him go. There was a time you thought you could be in love. There was a time you thought he could be this great guy you'd been looking to find. It is THAT you are missing more than any one actual person. The thing is, you can't create that. It has to be natural. If you stuck with this loser, you would just be trying to artificially create that connection.

You need to move on and find yourself a real man, not an overgrown child. When you find the real thing, you will realize how much better that is. You'll be kicking yourself for ever putting up with this guy in the first place.

In this case, I actually think the fact that part of you sort of wants him back proves how strong you are, not the opposite. Why? Because you are smart enough to realize he is not good for you, but at the same time you haven't let him or your bad experiences destroy your desire for something real. It is just best if you realize that something real won't ever be with him. Good luck to you in finding it. You deserve better than him. Heck, sounds like you couldn't do much worse.

[Nicolelong]

Your head. By a mile. He is a stalker and pathological liar. Those are not things that you can spontaneously change, this is his very character you are talking about. You're right- you'll never be able to trust him, and you shouldn't. I think you should absolutely be grateful that you are not the one with children to raise by such an ass of a baby daddy. I can only imagine the stories that his ex wife could tell you!

You need to cut all contact with this guy and not give him any more opportunities to make you feel guilty or try to manipulate you into taking him back