Is there any chance that he'll change?

[Lilia]

My ex contacted me on Skype recently. We used to meet only for sex but I developed feelings for him and then I ended the relationship after I told him about my feelings. I knew that if I hadn't ended it first, he would have done it before me and it would feel even more painful.
I also was pregnant from him and then miscarried and I told him about it too. So the break up was very emotional.
And a year after that he added me on Skype.
He asked me about my life and we had a few nice chats that weren't sexual but he said that I was the best experience for him and his memories are burning.
He suggested that we ride bikes together in a park. I was shocked because in the past he only cared about sex…He also suggested that we could have a picnic. I thought may be he's interested in something more than sex now, may be he has changed.
I agreed to meet at a park but it was already 8 pm and was getting darker. He said I could stay at his place and that it's not an invitation for sex. And so we met and after we sat on a bench I went to his flat and then refused to have sex with him. I said "are you in it just for sex and then after I give it to you you disappear like you used to?" "Do you want to hang out with me not just for sex?" And he said that he didn't know.
What an a-hole! I said "but you wanted to go cycling with me and other stuff… "And he said "yes but I meant that we would have sex after it" So I felt really bad and we didn't have sex… I also told him that I still love him but not in a possessive way. His heart started beating very fast, it is like he fears the word "love" so much. We had a very intimate conversation in which he told me that he loves his mother so much that he can't love another woman. cos there can't be two mothers at the same time… and he's afraid of connecting on a deeper emotional level. I think he has some serious emotional issues from his childhood…
We slept all night together.. I gave him a nice massage and we kissed but it was torturous for him cos it didn't lead to sex, not even oral sex, not even a hand job but I touched him there. I also forgot to say that I asked him to buy me flowers and he did which he had never done before but I never asked him. Also I remember when we broke up and I was telling him about my feelings he said that he would be buying me flowers if he was interested in a serious relationship…So it is like he showed me from the beginning that he didn't want a serious relationship.
When we were saying bye to each other this time he said that it would be nice to go cycling together some day and I said that it would be great.
Do you think he said it just to make me feel better?
Do you think I made a mistake by going to his place and I should have let him pursue me, take me to a cafe, go for a bike ride and basically make him "jump through hoops" before we have sex?
Do you think there's a chance that he will suggest that we hang out not only for sex?
I am so glad we didn't have sex last night.. I would feel so bad if we had done it.

- - - Updated - - -

He also said that he needed some "warmth" - some close human interaction and not just sex. And that he was enjoying chatting with me even more than sex.
Do you think he was honest? Does he really like me more than just a sex partner?

[TheEvilJester]

You posted this story twice. I am guessing that was an accident....

Anyway,

I'm not a mind-reader, nor can I predict the future, so I can't necessarily answer your questions with any certainty. What I can do, though, is give you my honest and heart-felt thoughts and advice.

Personally, my gut reaction from your story is that this is NOT the right guy for you. It sounds like he is not interested in a serious relationship with you. He only wants you for sex. Hey.... honestly, that would even be okay.... IF YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT. He knows for a fact that you are not. You broke up with him in the past because he only wanted sex and you wanted something more serious.

He then later reaches back out to you to ask you on a very obviously date-like activity only to then try to turn it into sex again. He seems like a sleaze if you ask me, but perhaps that is just me. To me, it seems like he is blatantly trying to take advantage and act all nice and sweet so you will continue to sleep with him. It does not sound to me like he has any sincere intention of having a real relationship with you.

On a side note, I am actually wondering if there is something mentally wrong with this creep. He actually said to you that he loves his mother so much he can't see loving another woman? Are you dating Norman Bates? That is sick, and I can't help but wonder if he needs mental help.

Anyway, bottom line, you deserve a man who will want to pursue a real relationship with you. Hey, if you just wanted a sex buddy as well, then maybe this guy would be great for you right now. You obviously want something more meaningful. It doesn't sound like you will get that with this guy, so don't waste your time.

Good luck to you.

[Nicolelong]

I remember your other posts as well, and I have to say I think it was a bad idea to meet up with him again. He has always been a player to you, and now you are giving him another opportunity to hurt you. However he cloaked the issue (bike rides, etc) he still came out and admitted that he was expecting sex afterwards. And he got you to stay the night the first night you've met up with him again. Sex or not, you still shared a bed and intimacy with him.

You are losing your footing quickly. You've spent all this time trying to get over this guy, and now you are right back in that pit again starting from square one. Sure, he wants "warmth" and IMHO, that includes sex and being physical. The comment about his mom was either very creepy or a misguided way to excuse himself from commitment.

Regardless, no, it does not sound like he changed at all. Already, you are anxious about where this is going, and what the next steps are, and he has ALREADY told you that he expects sex and can't commit. You are in the EXACT SAME place you were in the past. If you continue to pursue him, you are going to end up with a broken heart.

[Lilia]

You posted this story twice. I am guessing that was an accident....
Anyway,
I'm not a mind-reader, nor can I predict the future, so I can't necessarily answer your questions with any certainty. What I can do, though, is give you my honest and heart-felt thoughts and advice.

Thank you so much for your sincere advice!
Yes, I was wondering too what was wrong with him considering his relationship with his mother...
I looked up Norman Bates …what a scary story. I hope he is not THAT creepy. Actually his mum lives in another country and he is an expat in my country… May be he is trying to distance himself from his mother to break this unhealthy attachment. He said that he doesn't understand the concept of "love" and associates it with neediness and clinginess. When I said that I still loved him I also noticed that he was very emotional… he started breathing differently and his eyes got wet. I feel I shouldn't have told him that I still love him cos he doesn't deserve it also it might have scared him. May be If I hadn't told it to him he would try to pursue me and take me on dates and eventually fall in love with me. And now he already knows that I love him.

- - - Updated - - -

I remember your other posts as well, and I have to say I think it was a bad idea to meet up with him again. He has always been a player to you, and now you are giving him another opportunity to hurt you. However he cloaked the issue (bike rides, etc) he still came out and admitted that he was expecting sex afterwards. And he got you to stay the night the first night you've met up with him again. Sex or not, you still shared a bed and intimacy with him.

You are losing your footing quickly. You've spent all this time trying to get over this guy, and now you are right back in that pit again starting from square one. Sure, he wants "warmth" and IMHO, that includes sex and being physical. The comment about his mom was either very creepy or a misguided way to excuse himself from commitment.

Regardless, no, it does not sound like he changed at all. Already, you are anxious about where this is going, and what the next steps are, and he has ALREADY told you that he expects sex and can't commit. You are in the EXACT SAME place you were in the past. If you continue to pursue him, you are going to end up with a broken heart.

Thank you for your great advice! I remember your other replies to my previous thread.
I think you are right. Nothing has changed. I don't know why I let it happen to me again so easily and why I went to his flat. I should have made him pursue me and may be then something would've changed…
So I missed a chance to have a normal relationship with him.
Now I feel he isn't going to contact me even though he is not satisfied sexually.
I have such strong longing for him now… even though I feel that we are total strangers and don't really know each other.

[toshiba]

You are in the EXACT SAME place you were in the past. If you continue to pursue him, you are going to end up with a broken heart.

Correct!

As a guy, I have been there... Having sex with a women that liked me and constantly hoped I would change my mind and want more than sex, it NEVER happened! The "date" was just a way for him to start the cycle (no pun intended) over again.

[justwondering0]

move on he is not even worth your time.

[woody]

There are so many red flags with this one I don't know where to start but uh, here goes something.

Run far far away from this man.

Experience yourself and grow through this.
Accept the idea that you yourself could benefit from allot more self respect, understanding and love; what you ought to expect and need from a relationship and hold your bar higher than it is right now.

Learn how to guard your heart allot better than you've been doing.

and again, run far far away from this man. I saw nothing but huge red flags. Want a good relationship and positive relationship? Start with yourself.

[TheEvilJester]

I think many of us have been there, Lilia. You shouldn't feel too bad. Why did you let him back in? Why did you let him do this to you again? Because you want love. Because you want to feel wanted and needed. Because you want to believe that somebody could want all of you and want to be with you, to hold you, to build a life together. What is wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. You deserve all of that, and you know something? You WILL have it. ....It just doesn't sound like you will ever have it with this guy.

Right or wrong, he is not willing to commit. You know what? That would be fine if he could have just been honest with you from the start, and then let you go when he realized you wanted something more. Instead, he reaches back out to you knowing full well you want a more meaningful relationship and knowing full well he does not. That, to me, is where he crossed the line.

You still feel hung up on him, and that is honestly understandable. But, you need to realize that what you thought you saw in him you did not. By clinging to him, you are really just clinging to the idea of who you thought he was and the idea of what you want.

You are NOT wrong for wanting what you want in a relationship. For the record, he's really not wrong for not wanting that either... where he IS wrong is for leading you on knowing full well he doesn't want the same things. So, as difficult as it may be, stop letting him play these games with you. You deserve better. Let him find some girl who doesn't want to commit either and they can be happy with their not really a relationship type of relationship.

Find yourself a guy who will want to be with you. Who will consider himself the luckiest man in the world because somehow you came into his life. If he thinks "love" equals "neediness and clingyness" then he is a sad, sad human being and I hope he some day gets the help he needs. Love is a wonderful and powerful thing. Yes, it causes you to feel a need for the person, and it causes you to want to cling to them, but that doesn't have to mean in a bad way. Love can be a wonderful thing if you let it. Don't let this guy poison your image of love. You deserve better. Go out there and find it. I know how it can sometimes be hard to believe that yourself. I've lived most of my life with no self-esteem and am sort of really just learning to build my own now. So, if you can't say it to yourself right now, then hear it from me. YOU DESERVE BETTER! You won't find that if you let yourself remain hung up on a guy who doesn't deserve you.

Good luck to you, friend.

[Chriskey2015]

He's not worthy with your love! Move on!

[TheEvilJester]

As wordy as I can be (I don't know why I can't seem to help myself) I love seeing other posters so perfectly boil it down in such a brief message. Getting right to the point and summing up the basic gist of it all. Chriskey is right. I couldn't have put it any better myself, even in my novel-sized responses. LOL!