Don't know what to do about my missus

[yage]

So I've been dating my girlfriend for two years now; I met her a few months after I moved to Hong Kong. We have a really great relationship. We never fight, and she is the sweetest, most caring and unconditionally loving person I’ve ever met. I would say she’s almost the perfect partner… however it’s just the imperfect time.

I’ve been in 3 serious relationships, one after the other (almost overlapping) for the past 10 years; my entire adult life (I’m 28 now). My girl and I have the intention of going long-term together; however as much as I love my girlfriend, the past few months I’ve been feeling just frustrated and fed up with the relationship in general. It’s nothing against her, it’s just that I feel so claustrophobic. My entire adult life I’ve been tied into a relationship where I’m always committed to someone else. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help but feel like I just need some time to myself, where I don’t have to constantly worry about someone else. The problem is that she is thinking very long term (marriage, kids etc), and being Chinese, she feels that she only has 3 years left to make this happen.

Contributing to this train of thought is that we have very different views on sexuality. Long story short, I don’t believe in monogamy. Even entertaining the idea of anything outside of this traditional view of ‘relationship love-making’ is absolutely not on for her. The problem here is that in my previous relationships, I was very active in swinging/swapping/group sex and it’s just what I enjoy. I really do love my girlfriend, but I am a very sexual person, and the only thing that satisfies me cannot be had in this relationship. I have tried to just ignore it, but now It’s now gotten to a point where even though I am very attracted to her physically, I often ‘can’t perform’, because now that the honeymoon period is over, I can’t help but feel unsatisfied sexually.

I guess I’m just ranting, but I want to try bring up the idea of swinging with her, but she is a very sensitive person and the mere suggestion of it will destroy her. I can’t bare the thought of breaking her heart, but is it fair to her if I’m just not committed to the idea of a relationship like she is?

- - - Updated - - -

I should clarify, I have never cheated on my girlfriend.

[basilandthyme]

So the long and short of it is that you're not compatible. And incompatibility is the best reason to end a relationship.

Your sexual preference may not be everyone's cup of tea, but this doesn't mean that it's wrong or that you need to stifle it. It does however mean that you will have to find a long term partner who has the same morals and ethics as you.

It will be painful to end it now - but better now than after you've married her and had children. And let's face it, if you're feeling stifled at two years in, imagine how you'll be feeling at 10 years in.

[Nicolelong]

You want different lifestyles. She wants monogamy, you don't. For this to work, one of you would have to give up something that is crucial to each partner's happiness. That's not really fair to either one of you.

If you are craving and need to be in an open relationship, that's your prerogative. However, as she has a set timeline in her mind about marriage and children, you need to set her free to reach her dreams as soon as possible. Women can't start families indefinitely. She sounds like a great girl, and if you eat up her time knowing that you are either going to end up cheating or unfulfilled, that's not good for anyone involved.

[TheEvilJester]

I have to admit, I have a hard time understanding that lifestyle. However, I will be the first to admit that even if it may not be my personal preference, that doesn't make it wrong. However, what would make it wrong is to try to force it on her, or to try to force yourself to live a way you don't believe just to make her happy. Bottom line, this is not a minor little thing on which one of you can compromise, or you can somehow meet halfway.

If she tries to live your lifestyle, it will not work and she will only wind up getting hurt in the process. If you try to force yourself into her lifestyle, you may THINK you can make it work for a while, but in time you won't be able to control your feelings. You will either cheat on her, or you will wind up resenting her almost as though you blame her for it even though you made the choice to try to make it work with her.

This is a pretty clear example of where you two are not compatible. Just because she seems a great gal, that doesn't automatically mean she is the right match for you, or you are the right match for her. I understand that you feel sort of bad. It is kind of a shame if you'd have to break up with somebody who is otherwise so great just because of this. Even so, it would be the right thing to do. You two may otherwise get along greatly, but this is a pretty important detail of a relationship in which you two are just not a good match.

Heck, if she's worried about finding somebody in a certain amount of time, you'd be doing her more of a favor to break up now rather than string it along. If you tried to make it work and it eventually blew up, how would she feel if her "3 year window" had already expired at that point?

I will say this, I may not agree with your choice of life-style, but I'd still fight to the death for your right to live it so long as you don't hurt anybody in the process. If you can find a partner who is just as into it, then that is great if that makes you both happy. I think the fact that you are even having a dilemma over whether you should end it or try to make it work shows that you are a good person. It shows that you care enough about her not to want to hurt her either way. I think, though, in this case you have to hurt her a little now to avoid hurting her so much worse in the future.

Good luck to you, and to her. I hope she finds the guy who will be happy to commit to just her and they can live happily ever after. If that does wind up being you, then great, but if not then I also hope that you find yourself a perfect match who is equally into your open lifestyle.

[woody]

Your going to break this young ladies heart if you continue to stay with her. Only three years in and your already feeling sexually incompatible.
If you truly have genuine feelings for this woman, letting her go now will save her a world of hurt which would inevitably come if you continue.
So unless you find a way to be content with one person and one person only, time to own up and do right by both her and yourself.

[Wakeup]

Why, I must ask, would you get with a traditional Chinese girlfriend who only believes in monogamy when you're anything but traditional or monogamous?

How damn selfish of you. Break up with her and in the future, makes sure you do your girlfriend shopping on an "alternate lifestyle" dating site where you'll meet like minded women or at the very least disclose yourself and your needs early in and give the chick an informed choice as to whether or not she should be continuing on with you.

Stop being an ass now and break up with her so she can reach her dating goal(s) with someone compatible and stop being an ass in the future and date in the right pool for your type of fish.

[TheEvilJester]

Hindsight is always 20/20, but I do agree with Wakeup in that regard. If you know ahead of time you do not believe in monogamy and will never be a "one woman guy," then you really need to either exclusively search for women equally into that, or at least reveal that as early into the relationship as possible. You should not be years into a relationship knowing that she is NOT into your lifestyle at all. That advice doesn't exactly help you now, but hopefully it will help you for the future.

I realize unless you are specifically searching dating sites meant for that purpose or something like that it can be hard to know right off the bat if somebody is also into your open lifestyle. Still, that is something it is important to cover pretty soon, because it is likely to be something a lot of people will not be interested in in the slightest. Better to get that out of the way early than to waste their time or yours. Good luck to you.