feeling trapped

[david367412]

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. We moved in together shortly after we started dating. Neither of us are happy but she doesn't want to break up but I do. She hasn't kept a job since we've been together so she depend 100%. I care about her but I don't want to be with her. How can I end it? She has nowhere to go and has no money. I know I've helped to create this problem but I don't want to continue to lead her on. The last time I tried to leave she threaten to kill herself.
I feel so trapped and want to move on with my life. Can someone help me figure this out?

[basilandthyme]

So the question is, how to end it. We can try to help with some logistics for you but we'll need a broader picture.

A few questions first:

* Why doesn't she work? Is she physically/mentally ill or just lazy?
* Does she have friends or family? If not, what happened there?
* Any drug or alcohol abuse issues going on?
* Is she able to access any sickness/unemployment benefits?
* How old are the two of you?
* I assume you've asked her to get a job and contribute. How does she respond to those conversations?
* Are there any changes she could make which would change your mind about wanting to break up? If yes, what changes?

For what it's worth, my ex husband attempted suicide when I left. And I knew when I left that he would crash and burn. But there comes a time when we must look after our own needs and let our ex look after themselves. In our case, I called his friend and let the friend know what was going on and then I walked away from the situation. But if there are no friends, then handing over to a mental health team is also appropriate.

[Nicolelong]

You are not responsible for her or her happiness. You are not her parent, you are not her parole officer, you are not her life support system. You are your own person that should not feel like you need to be trapped and suffering because you feel guilty about letting down someone else. You have no obligation to stay with her and support her and keep her happy. Life is complicated enough without having to carry someone else on your back.

The threat of suicide is something that upsets me very much. I have had *4* relationships that all lasted 2 years + where I was threatened with suicide if I ever left. Somehow, every time I heard it from a new partner, I'd feel afraid, and smothered, and felt like I would be responsible for their death if something happened. The first guy that did it, I called his parents and let them know that he held a gun to his head in front of me and I was scared. They dealt with him with assistance from the mental health department. I made it Their problem instead of mine.

The last guy I heard it with, I straight up told him that if he did it, I wouldn't feel bad because he's an adult that can make his own decisions. I wanted him to know his threats held no power over me any longer. He made a few feeble attempts that landed him in the psychiatric ward, but not dead. Every time he attempted, he would send me a message immediately letting me know what he did and that he was in the hospital. He also left his hospital bracelets on my windshield as "proof" of what I was doing to him. I'm not kidding. But he's still alive. In fact, all of the 4 men that promised me a suicide and blood on my hands if I ever left them, are all still very much alive.

While I'm not saying that EVERY case is the same, I have found that many many women and men that I have been around have at least one similar story. They feel controlled, want to leave, and every time they bring it up, they are threatened with suicide. In every case except for ONE (he was also a heroin addict, FYI) the people never followed through. This is one story out of probably 30 at least. It is a common scare tactic to try and get the person to stay with them.

I really feel like people that say they are going to kill themselves if you leave are, for the most part, incredibly manipulative. They know you are a nice, caring person, and they believe that if they can make themselves out to be a victim, a victim that desperately needs you for survival, that you will cave and just stay out of fear. It's an awful, desperate way to try and keep someone in your life.

You don't need to feel like you are going to throw her out on the street. You can always let her know that while the relationship is no longer working or has a future, she can have, let's say, 2 months to find a new place. She is an adult (I'm assuming) and it's time to act like one. We ALL need to find a place of our own and support ourselves one day. She cannot rely on you any longer to carry you through life, and you don't deserve that burden any longer.

She has no money? Then she needs to get a job, like every other capable adult out there. Can't work? Then she needs to be on disability or apply for EI. This girl, at the end of the day, is NOT your problem. If you are really concerned for her wellbeing, talk to her family and/or friends. If she threatens to kill herself, tell her parents or a mental health professional immediately. Reach out. If she is faking it for sympathy, she will be humiliated into stopping. If she's really suicidal, you are doing her a favor by getting her help.

I really feel for your situation, and I hope you realize that you have resources and options available to you. The rest of your life doesn't have to look like this

[basilandthyme]

Very powerful post there Nicolelong. Glad to have you onboard

[smackie9]

Call her family and tell them of the pending circumstances. Explain to them that you not longer can take responsibility for her financial situation or her suicidal threats. Have them prepared as to when you move out, etc. If she threatens suicide and goes crazy, call 911 for help to have her committed so she can get the help she needs......exit stage right.