Everyday I wake up feeling different

[james95]

Hey everyone,

I don't usually do this kind of thing but there is really something bugging me about my relationship with my girlfriend. We met at Uni and have been dating for 5 months, however we were good friends before we made the decision to go out.

She is so lovely and absolutely adores me and we get on really well. I genuinely think I love her because I feel a definite connection between us but there is an issue. The problem lies with myself, as sometimes she just annoys me. Some days I wake up irritated with her for no reason and whenever she shows affection towards me I reject her. Sometimes I even go out of my way to get on her nerves, it's awful. Then you have other days where I'll get on with her fine as if nothing was up.

We went on holiday recently and everything went really well, I was genuinely gutted when it was over. But still, a few weeks on, she'll say something and I'll become all funny and in a mood. For example, whenever she expresses her love to me it angers me for no reason. We've been away from each other all summer due to the fact I live abroad and she got really upset when we went our separate ways but I didn't. This is so frustrating because I really don't know why it happens and I don't know who to ask. If I talk to her about it she'll feel distraught.

Starting from September we're living in the same accommodation again. She's only just got the fact that we need space, if it were up to her we'd be with eachother every living second (maybe that's what love is), but I hate the idea of spending all that time with her. So next year I'll purposely do my own things to create space. But is this a good thing?

The only possible explanation I have thought of was my bad break up with my ex girlfriend. We both thought we were going to marry each other and live the rest of our lives together but we broke up and it effected me real badly. I told myself from that day onwards that I was young and naive and that getting involved with a girl was a NO GO for at least a year or so. However along popped my girlfriend and I'm now doubting whether I love her or not because quite frankly I have no idea what that is anymore.

Sorry if this seems a tad dramatic, I understand that there are people out there in far worse situations than myself! But I just wanted to get it off of my chest and see if anyone had some constructive advice

Thank you so much,

[Nicolelong]

Feels to me like you do this to her to try and not get too close. You're afraid of getting hurt again, so you keep her at arm's length so the bond doesn't get too deep. It's a way of maintaining control over the situation.

You need to really evaluate where this relationship is going and decide what to do. If you are not ready to let go of the past and truly give yourself to this woman, you owe it to her to let her go. It's not fair to keep her around and basically neglect her and only act half-ass with her. I know that's not your intent, but you are hurting her and possibly giving her the same trust issues for the next guy as your ex did to you. She has to be noticing you randomly pulling away, rejecting her, not wanting to show affection, etc. And she will believe that it's her fault.

It sounds like you are dreading living with her, and tbh, that is not a great sign for your future. Moving in together should excite you and be something to look forward to.... I think you both deserve to find someone that makes you feel happy, loved, and supported.

[james95]

Feels to me like you do this to her to try and not get too close. You're afraid of getting hurt again, so you keep her at arm's length so the bond doesn't get too deep. It's a way of maintaining control over the situation.

You need to really evaluate where this relationship is going and decide what to do. If you are not ready to let go of the past and truly give yourself to this woman, you owe it to her to let her go. It's not fair to keep her around and basically neglect her and only act half-ass with her. I know that's not your intent, but you are hurting her and possibly giving her the same trust issues for the next guy as your ex did to you. She has to be noticing you randomly pulling away, rejecting her, not wanting to show affection, etc. And she will believe that it's her fault.

It sounds like you are dreading living with her, and tbh, that is not a great sign for your future. Moving in together should excite you and be something to look forward to.... I think you both deserve to find someone that makes you feel happy, loved, and supported.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it! I'm not dreading living with her, it just scares me that if for some reason it did end that our lives and those of our flatmates would be hell.

[Wakeup]

Then I suggest you find yourself some other place to reside. Why must you live in the same residence? You can evaluate your relationship with her while living apart which would be the smart thing to do.

I think she was a rebound for you and now that she's helped you feel better about yourself, you no longer feel the same way about her as you did when your confidence and self-esteem was low. Google rebound relationship and see what I'm talking about.

Your gut is telling you something and I think it would be a disservice to the two of you for you to ignore it.

I suggest that you remain single and only date casually as long as you are in school. You don't seem to be ready to allow yourself to become vulnerable to anyone at this point.

Good luck.

[Nicolelong]

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it! I'm not dreading living with her, it just scares me that if for some reason it did end that our lives and those of our flatmates would be hell.

There's definitely enough instability here that would make me suggest that it won't be a good idea to live together right now. If you are already on the fence about this, then you're right- a breakup between two housemates is going to impact everyone in the household and make for some awkward situations. And if you have a lease to sign? Yikes.

I have to wonder if part of what you are experiencing is due to a plain old lack of chemistry. If you are not sure if you really love her, you don't. Just my opinion.

[TheEvilJester]

Nicole and Wakeup have really hit the nail on the head. You were deeply hurt by your past experience. Perhaps even more so than you even realize yourself. It sounds obvious that you have not completely gotten over that. You need to deal with all that. You owe it to yourself, you owe it to her, and you owe it to whatever future girlfriend(s) you may have if your relationship with her winds up not working out.

Maybe that means seeking out professional help such as therapy. Maybe you don't quite need that much help, but just need to allow yourself time to deal with it. Trust me, I am sure we can all understand how hard it must feel for you to allow somebody into your heart again after being hurt before. Unfortunately, until you deal with all of this and allow yourself to heal, it will be too hard for you to tell if you and her have a real connection that you are unintentionally sabotaging, or if you two really are not a good match and you are sensing that without realizing it.

Either way, I agree with the others that moving in together with her right now would not at all be a good idea. You need to deal with figuring all of this out before things progress any further. If you find you truly DO love her and want to pursue a real lasting relationship with her, then you owe it to her and yourself to deal with your past feelings so you can put your full heart into it. If you find that maybe you two really are not a good match and that maybe (even though this was not your intention) she is just a rebound for you, then you owe it to yourself and to her to end things before they go too much further and only hurt you both even more in the end.

Unless you figure that out, you'll be stuck in this cycle forever, and may even repeat it in future relationships. It isn't easy, I know, but it is important. Good luck to you.

[james95]

With all due respect, I appreciate your answers but you're all asking to give up, which I don't feel I should. This is not a rebound relationship at all as I don't feel anything for my ex anymore.

I'm still young and enjoying the moments I spend with this girl, if it ends it ends. Thank you for your advice, but I think I'll stick to my gut feeling from now on.

[Wakeup]

*shrugs* We'll be here if you need help when/if your decision turns out to be a poor one.

[TheEvilJester]

I can't speak for the others, but I for one don't feel my advice was to "give up." In fact, I feel like I covered both bases in my response. I gave my thoughts and advice both on what to do if you did still want to be with her and what to do if you feel like maybe you and her are not a good match.

None of us can tell you that, only you would really know that, hence why my advice was also basically that you need to do some soul searching to determine which is the case for you. You seem to be saying you don't want to give up on her/your relationship, so then I think the answer would be to learn whatever it is you need to do for yourself to get over the hurt caused to you by your previous relationship. It seems like that is probably causing you to pull away whether you even intend to or even realize you are doing that. So, unless you figure out how you need to fix that, things could just wind up getting worse.

Bottom line, though, we are not professionals by any means. We are just normal people (well, okay, "normal" would never be used to describe me, but you get my meaning) giving our honest thoughts and advice. You came to us looking for that. If you were just looking for people to tell you exactly what you wanted to hear, then you aren't going to be getting sincere or helpful advice. I wish you the best of luck, though. Since it seems you want to keep this relationship, I hope you are able to discover what you need to do to fix this Jekyll and Hyde sort of switches in yourself so you can be completely happy and content in what is otherwise a great relationship.