Why Is Love Eluding Me?

[Bookstar]

Hello,
So Ive been online dating and as of right now Im about to throw in the towel in frustration. Ive dated 12 different women. 4 of them I liked very much, and 4 of them I didnt at all, and the other 4 wouldnt give anything a chance to even see if there is a match.
So this is whats happening to me. The ones I dont like, they like me, and the ones I like, 2 of them were not into me, and 2 of them were into me on the date, but after the date, I never hear from them again.
So Im really frustrated. Its like the universe is telling me., I dont want you romantically happy. I want you to be alone. I want you to look around you in society, and feel bad that you dont have what others have in this life.
Its frustrating because any time Im really into someone, getting closer to them eludes me. And anytime someone else likes me, but Im not into them, they are all over me and want me. Its so frustrating Im just ready to give up dating all together and just be alone for the rest of my life. It shouldnt be this hard.
I just dont think its a coincidence that what I so much desire in life keeps eluding me in every way shape or form. There is a reason and its pissing me off, making me depressed and lonely and its highly unfair. I see other guys get exactly what they want. But when I go after the same thing, there is such a block that its like everything I want, the opposite happens.
I cant fight providence. Hey Im an attractive, fun loving guy. Why is it sooo difficult for me to find love and the guy next door, who probably couldnt give a damn, attracts it like bees to honey?? How is this fair? Why is it happening? How do I turn it around??
So anyway, thats whats happening. Im so frustrated. but I will not settle. Im not going to date someone Im not attracted to just because what I want eludes me.
Why is this happening? How can I turn it around? I feel lost and stuck and right on the edge of giving it over and allowing providence to win and just resort to being alone, because obviously thats whats supposed to be. Its plain as day.
Thanks for your help.

[fearoflove]

You are not attracting women you want because either you are not attractive enough or you are too picky. Or, both. Can you settle for "good enough" or someone who has the important qualities you want and is there something you can do to improve yourself (such as advancing in your career, make more money, knowing how to court women, and improving on your looks)? Analyze how you act on dates. Did you act like a gentlemen, did you pay for dates, did you do anything that turned women off? The best way is to really honestly evaluate yourself. Ask yourself if you are an attractive woman, would you date you?

And that is just general advice on attracting women. It is not advice on finding love because love means accepting imperfections. If love doesn't find you, you can find love by loving and caring for someone despite their imperfections. Love is just simply a pleasant feeling felt in the inside so you can create that by starting with yourself.

[basilandthyme]

Online dating wasn't around when I was young, so I can only go on what I hear. And what I hear is that it's an absolutely ruthless sport. Your experiences are pretty much standard.

Have you run out of ways to meet a woman face to face? I think that friends of friends is the best way to go.

[basilandthyme]

A few more thoughts on your post. There are a few points where you appear to be seeing yourself as being hard done by - except that you're not hard done by.

>>Ive dated 12 different women. 4 of them I liked very much, and 4 of them I didnt at all, and the other 4 wouldnt give anything a chance to even see if there is a match.<<

Twelve dates from online dating? That's not very many, so don't act as if you've dated 50 and nobody wants you. Of those four who you didn't like at all, did you give them a chance to see if there was a match? I'm guessing you didn't. So why imply that those girls who didn't like you at all could/should have given it a chance? And even if you did give those four a chance, you didn't have to. And others don't have to give you a chance either if they don't want. Whether it be friendships or relationships, most of us know in the first 10 minutes if there's the potential of a match. Why bother seeing someone again if they are not who we want?

You're complaining that love is eluding you. But you seem to forget that a third of the girls you dated were interested in you. So it's hardly as if it's impossible for you to find a girl.

>>There is a reason and its pissing me off, making me depressed and lonely and its highly unfair. I see other guys get exactly what they want. But when I go after the same thing, there is such a block that its like everything I want, the opposite happens.
I cant fight providence. Hey Im an attractive, fun loving guy. Why is it sooo difficult for me to find love and the guy next door, who probably couldnt give a damn, attracts it like bees to honey?? How is this fair? Why is it happening? How do I turn it around??<<

Sorry mate, but you sound like a whiner who has a very warped view of how others date. First up, quit with complaining about the dating not being "fair". Expecting life to be fair is just ridiculous. Life deals us good and bad hands and we have to enjoy the good and push through the bad till we come out the other side. Yes, other guys can get great girls. But do you think that every single girl they date is a good one? Do you seriously think that they never date girls who don't work out for them? What these successful guys have is determination to succeed. They don't go and complain - they just move on and date a new girl. And a new girl. And a new girl until they find the right on. As for the "guy next door who probably couldn't give a damn", you are having yourself on. While it's possible he may get laid a few times, no girl worth a damn is going to stay with him.

Time to give yourself a reality check.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with a lot of what basil had to say (as I almost always do) but I have to disagree with one thing this time, basil. I can't, for a second, agree with the sentiment about this post coming across as whining. Don't get me wrong. I 100% understand where you are coming from in saying that, but the thing is I can also 100% understand how this guy feels. It is very hard to understand the mind-set this puts you in if you've not had the same kind of abysmal luck in dating. I can relate to this guy and to how he feels because I've been there. I can understand that feeling of frustration and hopelessness and it can be really hard not to feel like everybody else in the world gets what they want and you get nothing but crapped on ever step of the way.

What I DO agree with, though, is that you cannot allow yourself to be lost in that feeling. Hell, if it helps you put things in perspective, think of my story. After a mistake of a relationship I should have ended long before I did, and then giving myself time to move on and heal, I tried the online dating thing again. I found it to be an extremely frustrating and complete and utter waste of my time.

You have dated twelve different women from online dating. TWELVE DIFFERENT WOMEN. From my experience with online dating, that is practically frigging astronomical. From my experience, you are lucky if you even hear back from anybody at all. If it ever gets to a date, it is basically like winning the lottery. In all of my experience trying online dating when I was younger, I had ZERO dates. In all my experience as an adult using it, I've had two. Neither went anywhere at all.

So, frankly, I'd say you are having a lot more luck than I would have even suggested you could expect. Unfortunately, that is just the dating world sometimes. You date a bunch of people. Some interest you, but they don't feel the same. Some really like you, but you just don't feel a connection with them. Some, there is no interest on either side. It just takes time until you find the right match.

Now, if you do sincerely feel that you could maybe be doing something to sabotage yourself, you could perhaps try seeking the help of relationship professionals. I know that almost sounds like giving up on just succeeding on your own, but sometimes we are sort of shooting our own selves in the foot without really realizing it.

As it is, to be honest I've rarely heard any stories all that much better than yours from online dating. Just like dating via other means, it is very much a long frustrating process to find the right match. I definitely know how you feel. I would never suggest giving up completely (though I've been there myself before), but if it helps, maybe take a break from it now and then. It can be hard not to start to feel really down on yourself from the constant rejection, so sometimes you just need some time to take a break from all that and remember you are a good person and any girl would be luck to have you. I'm not suggesting you be cocky by any means, nor am I discouraging you from determining what, if anything, you may need to fix in yourself. Personal growth is always wonderful and healthy. I am just saying, don't let your bad experiences deter you from continuing to fight the good fight. Trust me, I know how hard that can be. But, if you don't keep trying you will miss out on your perfect match who, I promise you, IS out there somewhere looking for you. She's probably just as frustrated right now with dating a bunch of guys who just do not work out.

Good luck to you.

EDIT:

I will also add that it MAY be possible you are setting your standards too high. If that might be the case, then you do need to evaluate that and learn how better to be realistic. However, I wouldn't agree with the sentiment of "settling." Frankly, if you feel like you are "settling" then you are not being fair to yourself and sure as heck are not being fair to the woman/women involved. Anybody would deserve to be with somebody who is absolutely crazy about them and thinks they are the greatest thing in the world. Nobody deserves to be with somebody who just feels they are "settling."

It could be possible that your standards are too high, or it could just be possible that the women that didn't interest you just sincerely didn't interest you. You can't help who/what does and does not attract you, so if your desires are actually reasonable, you certainly do deserve somebody that fits what you want as a match. None of us can really say if your standards are too high, or if you disinterest is sincere and understandable. Only you would really know.

[Nicolelong]

I don't think it's "easy" for many people to find someone to be happy with. For myself, it was a long process of trial and error. Lots of disappointments and learning lessons. There are so many circumstances that need to line up for something to work. Mutual attraction, proximity, good timing, likes and dislikes that generally line up, no deal breakers in play for either party.... then sometimes you meet someone that on paper looks perfect, but there's just no chemistry. Chemistry is one of those things we can't predict, but is SO important in a happy romantic relationship. You might find yourself crazy attracted to someone that isn't necessarily "your type" Keep an open mind.

I just don't think you've met a good match yet. With all the people out there in the world, I truly believe there's someone out there for Everyone, it's just a matter of finding them. Don't give up!

Just a few tips: try not not to project a "Desperate" vibe. Don't get me wrong, it's easy to get frustrated and think, "I'm sick of dating-This HAS to work this time!" And come on too strong. Be confident, be yourself, and focus on getting to know each woman on a personal/friendship level first, before you think intimacy. Expect to strike out a number of times. Love is special, and you won't find it with just anyone. Taking care of yourself, your body, your health, anything that makes you feel like a better man- be all over it.

I think we've all felt at some point like we're destined to be alone, or will never find a good partner, etc. but when you think about it, the vast majority of us want to find someone to be happy with. Eventually you WILL find a compatible partner. Enjoy the single life until you do :-)

[Marylan]

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[TheEvilJester]

...and focus on getting to know each woman on a personal/friendship level first, before you think intimacy.

Not intending to take us off topic here, but I actually kind of have a problem with this one myself. The problem being that I sort of don't really want to ask a girl out right away. It's just not me, so to speak. I'd rather get to know them a little on a personal/friendship level first, but often times people suggest you shouldn't do that because then you risk getting stuck in the "friend zone." I don't really know how to handle that kind of advice, because I'm just not like most guys. I don't want to just go around asking out as many girls as I can hoping some will say yes. I mean, heck, even when I have a full blown crush on some girl, I still want to get to know her first before even deciding if I want to pursue it as a possible romantic relationship.

[Nicolelong]

Hey Jester! Just wanted to clarify- what I meant by that is that when you go out on a date with someone, it's easy to put a lot of pressure on yourself and the experience. I know people that immediately start talking and evaluating whether or not their date may be "The One", and thinking very long term after only 1 or 2 dates. This to me puts way too much pressure on a situation where you really don't know the person at all. What I found really helped me to feel less nervous was to think of it not as a "Date" but as two people getting together for drinks as friends, or enjoying a meal together, not a job interview for a potential future husband. It made me feel much more relaxed to not jump to any conclusions or situations over my head.

I think this attitude could help people out there that are very shy and can't even bring themselves to TALK to someone they're interested in. By considering them as just a potential friend rather than future partner, it's more natural and less performance anxiety.

I would agree with you that it's important to not keep with this attitude for too long, as to avoid the Friendzone. It's more of a temporary viewpoint to take to help break the initial ice/get to know each other a little better.

[johanna1]

I kind of relate to you Bookstar! I have been trying the online dating for a month...and guess what?? I didn't get any messages or anything from anyone. I thought to myself. Why is that? Am I ugly? Am I stupid? NO!!! A lot of people find me attractive and smart. Professionally...I have a very good job...Also, I have been going on couple of dates, (like someone mentioned that best way is to go through your friends' friends....) but just like you said...the ones I liked and felt attracted to...they end up to be jerks/players or even worse..MARRIED!!! So I have pretty much the same dilemma just like you!!! Am I being so unlucky???
My advice to you is to keep going. I know it is frustrating and sometimes even depressing. However, you have to be positive....because when you are positive you attract positive things in your life. I am sure we all have out "special" someone out there but we just didn't find each other.

[TheEvilJester]

Hey Jester! Just wanted to clarify- what I meant by that is that when you go out on a date with someone, it's easy to put a lot of pressure on yourself and the experience. I know people that immediately start talking and evaluating whether or not their date may be "The One", and thinking very long term after only 1 or 2 dates. This to me puts way too much pressure on a situation where you really don't know the person at all. What I found really helped me to feel less nervous was to think of it not as a "Date" but as two people getting together for drinks as friends, or enjoying a meal together, not a job interview for a potential future husband. It made me feel much more relaxed to not jump to any conclusions or situations over my head.

I think this attitude could help people out there that are very shy and can't even bring themselves to TALK to someone they're interested in. By considering them as just a potential friend rather than future partner, it's more natural and less performance anxiety.

I would agree with you that it's important to not keep with this attitude for too long, as to avoid the Friendzone. It's more of a temporary viewpoint to take to help break the initial ice/get to know each other a little better.

I like this. The way you put this actually makes me feel much more at ease. I could see myself doing that and feeling so much more comfortable as result. ....Of course, now I just need to actually have the opportunity to put it to the test. LOL!

Johanna,

I am a little surprised to hear that your story with online dating mimics that of Bookstar's and mine. I am not surprised your experience has not been positive, but from the few women I've talked to, I've heard their experience has been poor for different reasons. Usually it is more so that they get a bunch of messages, but most are from creeps. A lot of requests for nude pictures and other crap like that. Either way, I've never heard very many positive stories from either gender about online dating. It really sucks for those of us who are shy and/or have no real dating prospects otherwise in our lives these days. Online dating SHOULD be such a great tool for meeting new people and potential romantic interests..... but like just about everything else in this world, people in general find a way to ruin it for the few of us actually trying to take it seriously. It's no wonder I sometimes find it so hard to maintain any faith in humanity.... and struggle still even to this day with whether I'd rather just shut down and let my darkness consume me for good. I try my best not to let that happen, but sometimes it can just be so hard to see any point in continuing the fight.

But, I survive. I push on, and I would never recommend anything else to anybody. If you give up, then you'll never get anywhere. Like the saying goes, "You gotta be in it to win it."