Female friendships boundaries

[pinkinterlude]

Hi,

Been with my boyfriend 4 years. He recently has become closer to two of his female co-workers; one single who mingles a lot and one with a boyfriend who also works there.

I'll admit, he's never really had female friends and it's caught me off guard a little. I have secretly got a little jealous naturally, but I've been trying not to read much into it. They're just different types of girls compared to me. They're louder, more outgoing etc, but they see the good parts of my boyfriend that I see, and formed a friendship with him (I hope). He's more like me btw; quiet and reserved.

I just wanted to post to ask about men and boundaries with female friends. Several things have happened and I wanted your opinions about whether lines have been crossed, and if I should be worried or not? I can't tell it's my insecurity or not.

Okay, first there's a WhatsApp group chat, called the Wolfpack. There's these two girls, and three lads. One being my boyfriend, one being the boyfriend of one of the girls and another being another lad with a girlfriend (who has since recently split up with his girlfriend). My bf says the single girl is interested in this lad.

The conversation is always turned to the single girls sex life, and how her ex wasn't great in bed. Then the two girls pretend to be lesbians and talk about scissoring in a jokey way. They'll be on nights out and send pictures of themselves, even though they've got a room full of men to talk to. My bf seems to be the only lad replying (which he says it's out of politeness, because they mention his name, making jokes with it, as if they're talking to him.)

He hasn't said anything sexual at all, but chimes in with a haha every now and again, or a comment about something non-sexual. However they seem to turn a lot of what he says into a sexual innuendo. Like talking about a character in a show called nigel, one girl will say about the other "so-and-so would nigel your sausage", or talking about bowling, "so-and-so would give you a strike, or should that be stroke". He always replies with a haha when it turns sexual. The other lads just don't respond, probably because their names aren't being mentioned.

My bf has been out to lunch with them, gives the girl with a bf a lift home as they live in the same town, and she talks to him about the problems she's having in her relationship. He says he doesn't say much because he doesn't want to get involved.

Recently, whilst he was staying at mine (we live about 45 minutes apart), these girls rang him at 11pm to invite him out for drinks. The reason was because the single girl was back in town, as she'd been away for a few weeks. He said he was with me so couldn't come, but then they said "awwh please come, please"and said something about the Wolfpack and howled down the phone at him. However he insisted afterwards that they didn't ask him to come again after he said he was doing something with me, but I did hear them say it. He did maybe someone in the background said it. He woke up to snapchats from them smoking and drinking, sent a like 3am, which I felt was them showing off what he could have got up to with them. The guy the single girl apparently like was there, so why would she send snapchats to another guy, if the gut she's interested in is right in front of her?

My bf has told me he texts them and group snapchats then because they are his friends. He says he has only ever viewed them as work friends, not close ones, so wouldn't invite them to do something with him outside of work. He says I have nothing to worry about, and that I shouldn't be annoyed because he isn't doing antic wrong, and he can't control of these girls text or call him.

So should I be worried? I get the impression that they want his attention and they don't care that he has a girlfriend? He says they're not malicious girls but I felt the snapchats were rude because they knew he was doing something with me. Plus the sex talk, I feel like they're girls, surely they'd sympathise and dislike other girls talking that way with their boyfriend.

For me, the boundaries of a male friendship with a female (and vice versa), would be no talking about sexual stuff, or calling late. Would you agree?
Am I reading too much into it?
Is he crossing the line?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[CrasherRob8]

Wow, when I first started reading I thought it would go downhill quick but actually from what you are saying, sounds like your boyfriend is doing the right thing. I don't see anything wrong with what he is doing, but with the other girls I do. Are you more concerned about him or what the other girls are doing? Seems to me that your concern lies with the girls and not with your guy. If you trust your guy, you shouldn't have any worries. Sounds like he is a great catch given how he is handling those coworkers of his.

[pinkinterlude]

Thank you for your reply. It's taken a huge weight off my shoulders, I guess I do have more of an issue with the girls. I've felt like I've been going crazy with insecurity, so it's nice to know that someone agrees that they have behaved inappropriately. I just worried about if my boyfriend encouraged it. I didn't want to be the typical girl who blames other girls, and not the boyfriend.

What solution would you suggest for us, if you don't mind me asking?

Obviously he works with them, so he can't just avoid them, and he enjoys his job so I'd never ask him to quit.

[Wakeup]

Any reason why you've not met them and thereby getting invited to these "Wolfpack" shinanigans as well?

That, to me is the only thing inappropriate here... You are being excluded it would seem. Why?

[smackie9]

We are like this with each other at work too, even with my boss....the perv talk, ribbing each other, sexual innuendo, but it's just part of the workplace bonding. We always have a lot of laughs, and makes the day go better. You see each other everyday, friendships are going to happen.

Nothing wrong with having your own social circle outside the relationship as long as they don't become a priority.

[Wakeup]

I agree that there is nothing wrong with having a social circle outside of the relationship but the other person in the relationship should at least have the opportunity to meet who their partner is spending time with. If it is co-ed, even more reason for everyone to to know everyone. I think you'll find them to be a little more respectful of his time when they know you as well, Op.

That being said, your boyfriend is not spending any one-on-one time with these opposite sex friends so he's keeping a good romantic relationship boundary in place in that respect.

[solarion]

A good of rule of thumb is...don't say anything you wouldn't say with your significant other within earshot. It doesn't sound like your BF is doing anything wrong. If it were me, I'd be attempting to include my GF in the festivities, particularly when it's known there are single females included in the soirée. The dynamics there are a bit different than a boys night out.

[pinkinterlude]

The reason I've been so upset about it is because when we first got together, he was chatting inappropriately to a girl online, twice. He did this with this particular girl a lot before we met.

He eventually told me about it about a year and a half into our relationship, after I found a text from her. It wasn't anything dodgy, she had pretty much said something along the lines of "fancy a chat? Not that you'll reply" with a wink. The "not that you'll reply" bit was a blessing because it seemed like it was more her than him.

He explained that it was because he was too shy to ask me to do things in bed, and it cut all contact with this girl. I looked at it as it wasn't physical, and he didn't really know how I would react, because someone people are okay with that. He knew afterwards I wasn't okay with it. We spoke about what we both would tolerate and wouldn't tolerate, and seemingly agreed. I always had said to him that I treated that as a mistake, but I would not consider it a mistake if he was being more than friendly with another woman again, I would see it as a choice as he knows my boundaries now.

With this recent issue with his female work colleagues, he said he didn't think he was doing anything wrong because he didn't say anything sexual. Surely it's stupid behaviour to remain in that situation though, if you know what trouble it caused before. He said he would remove himself from those kinds of situations from now on, but I thought I was very clear about removing himself from any inappropriate situation, whether he started it or not.

I don't know what to do? Does he have a point? Is he really that stupid to think "well I didn't start it so it's fine". To me, it's like allowing a girl to flirt and touch you as long as you don't do it back.

[solarion]

You both have valid points. You come off as credible and fair, so I'm okay with assuming your version of events is pretty accurate. As a result it seems like while BF isn't technically doing anything wrong, he is walking a pretty fine line and perhaps even subtly disrespecting you. It's probably something along the lines of an ego rush for him. At the end of the day though it doesn't make any difference if your position is justified or not, if it's how you feel then it's how you feel and you have to find a resolution one way or another.

If this relationship is important to you, and it seems like it is, then that may mean having it out with your guy or perhaps inserting yourself into their "wolfpack" intermittently and remind these gals that he's your man and they're to back off and stop disrespecting your relationship. While I generally dislike this kind of drama power play, there are rare situations in which it's justified. Also it could replace the ego boost your BF is getting from the attention of the females in question with a charge at seeing his own significant other stick up for herself. I once gave a guy a quarter as compensation for lighting my date's cigarette while I was attempting to do the same. The intrusive guy was livid, but my date got a charge out of my power play and I won her respect. There's a time and place to act territorial and assertive.

[pinkinterlude]

Thank you so much for this, we've been arguing for about a week now, and he just doesn't see my point of view. It's so nice to know that I'm understood here and that there's some confirmation that I'm not overreacting or going crazy with jealousy and insecurity. I feel like it's eating me up, and I really want to be logical and see his point of view. But it hurts because like you said, he's not technically crossing the line, but he's very close to it, and it hurts to know he's allowed himself to get that far.

I think you're right, it probably is an ego boost. You've helped me to see things from his perspective. Thank you for your advice, understanding and time. Means a lot.

[solarion]

Like you, BF sounds highly intelligent. Perhaps he doesn't see your point of view because he doesn't want to, or he does see your point of view but doesn't want to lend it credibility because then his arguments become illogical and untenable. Don't allow yourself to be walked on or told your feelings are invalid...they're not. He'll lose respect for you and you'll lose him anyway...worse you'll lose respect for yourself.

You're welcome, good luck.

[glloomy]

Hi pinki you should just wait & watch for sometime dont rush into any decision as this can harm ur relationship. if this the problem persist talk to your bf politely in a way that it gets resolved one more thing when their is love between u n him than there should be no boundaries i hope u understand what i mean some cut off is required maintain ur integrity but do let him come close to u build trust if he loves u again i repeat maintain ur integrity & boundaries upto certain extent. but be free with him in limit that will really boost ur relation trust me

[woody]

I think your bang on. Their all being disrespectful, the girls and your man. He ought tell them it is over the top..
; and you ought tell him how all this makes you feel and see what he does with it. It doesn't matter if he feels you've nothing to worry about. The fact remains, it makes you uncomfortable; that ought to be enough.

and these girls? Girls indeed. Behaving as such too. Women don't do that to fellow women.