Struggling with acceptance... would be grateful for any help

[CoffeeCup]

So my ex broke up with me because he said feelings died. We were having some issues that created distance which essentially lead to lack of communication for about 3 and a half months. The delay was due to one thing happening after another in one another's lives with no chance to really talk. Anyways after 3 months we talked about those issues and as far as we were aware we were getting back on the right track. Some things were better but problems persisted. He would get frustrated when I'd have an issue for example which was never the case, we used to discuss things openly and honestly no problem. So as a result I felt like I could never communicate.

Flip to 2 months after that where I asked him if he was still happy because I noticed he didn't spend as much time with me and emotional conversations were for the most part no longer occurring. He said he wasn't as happy as he used to be, then gave me his reasons why... me not communicating about issues till they got too much, and not knowing what he was gonna get. I told him exactly what I described above, didn't feel like I could. Trying was a mutual agreement because now that all issues were tabled it seemed workable. We exchanged problems we had with the other. I said we'd have to communicate the whole way through, he agreed. I detected hopelessness in his voice then and pointed it out, but trusted his word as he insisted that he wanted to try.

Time went on, I noticed disconnect, he'd spend less and less time with me plus never updated me on where he was at and what he was thinking. I observed myself carefully and knew I was doing a decent job working on the issue he tabled. A month later, he hit me with "feelings died" and said the probability of us failing was too high, so ending it was for the best because he didn't see it as viable. He made all kinds of assumptions about my feelings, it was confusing and strange. He also hit me with a random issue that he never clearly voiced to me, though he thought I understood. That issue was the fact that he felt like I never believed he wanted to spend time with me, because when he'd want to go, I'd want him to stay. He interpreted that to mean I wouldn't believe he wanted to be here and would respond with frustration and immediately leave. When to me, that was communicating that I missed him and enjoyed his company. Although it was worth nothing, I told him these things and knew I had no real input, because once feelings are dead that's it so I threw my hands up in defeat.

But to me trying involves two people mutually working together and not one person making executive decisions. You don't draw conclusions unless you have facts, and if he suspected reasons for my actions, he should have asked me about them is how I feel. Because there were/are explanations. So I don't feel like we tried, and I don't feel like one month was enough time to work through several months of issues. I feel like he wasn't as invested as I was, and the degree of feelings were not mutual.

Secondly, I feel like he lied to me when he said he wanted to try. I feel like a fool for ignoring signs and taking him at his word, but I know love makes you do crazy things, and I felt it better to trust someone than not. He'd shown me actions in the past to establish trustworthiness. But right now, I feel like my time but most of all my emotion was wasted. I'm indescribably upset that I gave my all for someone to give half as much. And I don't know how to deal with it. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it acceptable for someone to end a relationship because chances of success don't look good to them, based on inner conclusions they've drawn?

He says he wasn't aware that his feelings were slipping away and he told me as soon as he knew. I'd love to be a great person and cut someone some slack for being unaware and acting subconsciously, but I just can't seem to. It doesn't change the outcome. I'm still super angry, hurt and sad. I want to know if these conclusions I'm drawing are correct... that his investment was not as strong as mine, and that I was essentially lied to. Am I being irrational by being as angry as I am? I'd appreciate anyone's help with this, thank you so, so, so much.

[PTAC12]

You know what.. hearts never break even. From a guy's point of a view we don't really look into it that much. At least not me. Not that looking into it is a bad thing... it's just that, at least for me... I'm either feeling it and things are going great or I'm not. You definitely gave it your best effort and you should be proud of that. Forcing relationships doesn't work either. You're not being irrational. Things just seemed to have faded with you guys. As bad as it might feel now, you will get past this. Do something awesome for yourself. Reward yourself and get your emotions all in order, then you'll be good as new for a fresh start! Keep your head up!

[basilandthyme]

Is it acceptable for someone to end a relationship because chances of success don't look good to them, based on inner conclusions they've drawn?

It's not only acceptable, it's one of the best reasons to end a relationship. When in a relationship, all we can do is make a decision based on what we see and what our gut tells us. Thing is, we can ask partners how they feel, but their words are cheap. It's the actions which count and what we need to judge the relationship on. Also, a person does not require the agreement of their partner to end a relationship.

Without knowing more about the problems you faced, I can't comment any further. I'm happy to chat more if you tell us all the problems you faced and how the two of you dealt with them. Also, tell us how long you were together and how old you are: It makes a difference.

- - - Updated - - -

You know what.. hearts never break even. From a guy's point of a view we don't really look into it that much. At least not me. Not that looking into it is a bad thing... it's just that, at least for me... I'm either feeling it and things are going great or I'm not. You definitely gave it your best effort and you should be proud of that. Forcing relationships doesn't work either. You're not being irrational. Things just seemed to have faded with you guys. As bad as it might feel now, you will get past this. Do something awesome for yourself. Reward yourself and get your emotions all in order, then you'll be good as new for a fresh start! Keep your head up!

Excellent post PTAC12. Hope you stick around.

Oh and I'm female and feel the same as you.

[CoffeeCup]

Yeah, my word choices probably weren't the best there. I totally agree with you that one doesn't need the other partner's approval to end a relationship, and I'm with you in that actions speak loudest. However, I think communication is equally important because people are fragile, and as humans, with our complex emotions, we do tend to sometimes misinterpret things and misunderstand the other. Understanding can really help a situation once you know exactly where the other is coming from/how and why things happen. He and I used to be excellent at those types of conversations, talking and listening openly and honestly, doing our best to see both sides. Our conflict resolution was fantastic. That's part of why this is so sad to see a turn like this. Not at all where we thought we'd end up. We both ironically commented, how the breakup was the most communicative conversation we'd had in a while, and it was crazy that it took that much to get us back to that type of place.

What I was trying to explain involves him making assumptions, rather than asking. the night of the breakup... when he expressed his grievances. He had all kinds of reasons for them occurring, and during that conversation found out he was incorrect. We could ultimately see that it was a ton of misinterpretation of events that caused this distance. One of them I described in my first post, concerning the fact that he interpreted my not wanting him to leave as a sign that I didn't believe he wanted to spend time with me, when to me, I was communicating that I enjoyed his company and didn't look forward to his absence. I was not even aware that issue existed with him until breakup night. If I had been clearly aware, I would have reassured him of his presence being appreciated, for example. As we were in the "let's try" phase, I would have thought such things would be communicated... to me trying means tabling each issue and seeing if they could be worked on, discussing how to do those things effectively, assessing progress etc. I thought we had established that path a month prior. Obviously not the case. If we'd have however, and then he said "I'm sorry, I know we tried, but it's just not working for me..." I could have accepted that. It's all in the fact that this didn't really feel like trying to me, and that he said he wanted to when I'm not sure he did. It was a strange thing to agree to try then to out of nowhere hear, 'hey this doesn't seem viable to me, we're probably going to fail so it's best we end it.' Of course I'm paraphrasing, but that was the sentiment.

Another issue he had, assuming my distance meant I didn't feel it anymore. Untrue. That happened because we made plans to do something important to me, but he forgot about them and hung out with friends instead. He said "it just happened." I wanted to tell him that he sounded like the guy who cheated and it just happened. Instead, I told him to enjoy his night. I felt like nothing to him at that point, totally worthless.

I didn't feel like I could communicate because the last couple months he'd get frustrated at any sort of conflict and didn't want to ruin his happiness, and also he'd been in a depressive state for a while so I wanted him to be happy. I know this doesn't change the fact that I should have attempted to communicate though. But I did not know what to do about his constant frustrated responses at the time. When we agreed to try, I brought it up and he explained this happened because I would not communicate issues till they got too much so he didn't know what to expect. I waited because he'd get so mad and prepared myself to deal with it. Lol. We reinforced this vicious cycle without knowing. But that was something I knew I could fix. And I tried, during the trying period, and I'd get a mix of calm and frustrated responses.

Another issue I had involved me needing his help and him not coming through for me. I dreamt he left, woke up in tears telling him. He just said "sorry to hear that," with no reassurance. His explanation was he was disconnected from everything that day. If he'd have said, "That's not going to happen. Look I'd love to help you but I can't right now, I'm sorry," that would have been fine. Or, if the next day, he apologized and acknowledged the issue, I'd have been okay with that. But he didn't. And when I tried telling him how I felt about it, he turned it around on me and said he felt like I was attacking, so I explained that I was trying to express that no reassurance caused more uncertainty, that's it. That whole exchange was weird in itself. He said if it was a death or something serious it probably would have snapped him out of it. I took that to mean it wasn't impactful enough for him, which is something I couldn't identify with because when I care for someone, their pain is mine, I want to help immediately. And when I can't, which has happened to me before, I'll make it known that I want to and will attempt to make up for it once I get through whatever is preventing me from doing so. Anyways I personally wonder if he couldn't reassure me because he was subconsciously unsure himself whether or not he wanted this meanwhile my subconscious picked up on it. Which of course wouldn't be his fault, but just a thought. I never held his state against him, I just couldn't understand lack of acknowledgment regarding my situation.

So yes that incident mixed with the plans we made being forgotten caused some distance. I felt uncared about. And maybe I shouldn't have ignored those signs and shouldn't have taken him at his word that he wanted to try, no idea. I said that night he sounded more hopeless than me but he assured me it wasn't the case... I thought he deserved trust, so I listened to what he said and figured we'd work on everything once we got to a more comfortable place.

But as you can see, this was ultimately a case of both of us not communicating properly. This sad trend was caused a few months back where we had an issue that couldn't be spoken about due to life circumstance on both ends being hectic and having no real time... it involved our future, making things official and whatnot. This caused some shutdown and hold back. We got to it very late as described in first post. We believed once that was over we'd get on a better path, didn't work out that way. Emotional conversations became less and less also adding challenges with feeling fully connected. I hope that makes more sense. As to your questions, late 20's me, early 20's him. and we were together about 7 months. Feel free to express any further opinions you may have. Thank you for responding!

[CoffeeCup]

Thank you for your insightful reply, PTAC12.

I agree that relationships shouldn't be forced, for sure. I can accept feelings dying, I can relate to that side of the coin from other relationships. My issue lies more with the fact that he said he wanted to try when I asked him if he was happy, whenI had noticed disconnect, only to hit me with his decision later with no communication leading up to it. If he'd have, for example, let me know what he was thinking/how he was feeling throughout, I think I could handle this outcome better.

I don't really know how to reward myself yet. I tried my best, and my best was not good enough. That's a tough thing to accept. Along with the fact that the investment didn't appear mutual, when I believed it was. Indeed, I will find a way through it. I can't help but look at reasons for heartbreak and relationships ending, because I like to know what I can learn and how I can grow. Most experiences have something to teach and acquiring knowledge is what helps push me forward to the next. This one is hard to find productive lessons in, at least at this moment. I do however realize that I may feel differently months from now.

I really appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspective! Thanks for your positivity too, I hope to reach that mind set soon.

[basilandthyme]

My issue lies more with the fact that he said he wanted to try when I asked him if he was happy, whenI had noticed disconnect, only to hit me with his decision later with no communication leading up to it. If he'd have, for example, let me know what he was thinking/how he was feeling throughout, I think I could handle this outcome better.

Part of him not voicing how he felt would relate to the fact that some people (frequently men) process feelings internally. While I'm sure he meant it when he said he'd like to keep trying, further private thought and reflection made him realise that it was better to walk away. While it would have been easier for you to know that he still had doubts, the fact remains that he needed to process this on his own.

I tried my best, and my best was not good enough.

It's awesome that you can look at this as a learning experience. Because you're right - we do keep learning through these experiences. One of my pieces of advice is to learn to change your thought pattern about your best not being good enough. Your sentence does make sense if you're doing an exam where you need a certain pass mark. But an exam is concrete thing where only you can make a difference to the outcome. A relationship, on the other hand, is a moving fluid thing where the course can be altered by many things beyond our control. Giving our best will not make a relationship successful if there are still underlying incompatibilities.

I also noticed that you feel foolish for listening to his words over looking at his actions. See - you've learned stuff already! Hopefully you won't make the same mistake again

[CoffeeCup]

Seems that way, he indeed needed to process it on his own. I suppose if I ever find myself in a similar situation I will have to enter it more cautiously, which is disappointing, but I don't see how I'll feel comfortable extending trust if I notice something is off. That sucks but if someone's not going to communicate during a trying period, at least to some degree, I don't think I'll handle it as well as I'd like. I mean, I will attempt, but I think it will be difficult. That could also ruin it. It's sort of a lose lose, lol. I'm probably going to at least need to be told "hey I'm thinking about it I just haven't decided yet," or something, just to have an idea. And also if things are on the rocks I suppose it's not good to invest a whole lot of emotion, but at the same time, you don't want to invest too little to the point of failure. This is where mutuality is crucial. You really have to have the same goal IMO so that the balance can be found.

Logically I do believe that his intention was not to cause any pain, but emotionally I can't help but feel lied to. It's hard to describe and conflicting. I don't think he had a full grasp on what he wanted and liked certain aspects but couldn't work with others or felt the damage was too strong thus killing the feelings. That doesn't change how I feel though at least not right now. I do hate that, because if actions say, were, subconscious, it should make a difference but it doesn't. It's strange how that works. The only difference it does make is that I know he's not a bad person, but in some ways, it makes this more sad. Lol. When someone has done something with intent, or blatantly mistreated you, it's easy to be angry and done with it, you know? This way is much more complex. It would even be easier if I had done something wrong, but he definitely told me it wasn't anything to do with me as a person. So I know that it's literally just bad circumstances. That is why finding the lessons is so hard here.

So ultimately the two issues here are I feel I was lied to and more invested, and I wish there was something/someone to blame to make it easier lol. A lot easier to say X went wrong so Y could potentially fix it next time, if that makes sense. But hey, life is filled with all kinds of challenges. It's not easy to accept, but I'll find a way there somehow eventually. I thought I'd learned my lessons about words versus actions but apparently not... But to be fair I hadn't quite experienced anything on this level where everything was unintentional. Plus trusting intuition more is another takeaway I think. But yes, hopefully this won't be a repeat mistake.

Thank you for the advice concerning changing thought patterns, definitely something to think about. It's true that one person's efforts cannot influence outcome and that relationships aren't always as concrete as we like to believe they are. Guess I need to get to a point where I realize that my best was all I could give and expecting more of myself is unrealistic because I'm incapable of anything else, and even if I were capable of more, it wouldn't change the outcome. Making things work is all in the mutual team effort and really being on the same page on core aspects. It's that core that holds you up, and the reality is that what we shared and built didn't have the strength we thought it did. I feel I was sure of the direction I wanted to go in and I think that's also why it's so upsetting for me to find out that wasn't reciprocated. But you can't help how you feel just as you can't help how you don't.

Thanks for sharing your input, much appreciated.