Paying Attention 24/7

[treehugger101]

My Boyfriend and I just spent the weekend together, went to a convention, stayed at a hotel and had a good time at this event. BUT there were some things that happened that he disliked. For instance, at this convention there were autograph sessions with the guests, so I waited in line to meet some of them, and would pull out my phone, while my Boyfriend was standing there with me, I did not lean against him, or cuddle him, or hold his hand or kiss him, just focused on my phone. BUT he did the same, pulled out his phone and was on it, then he decided to take off and walk around since waiting in line was boring. He ends up telling me later on that he disliked how I was into my phone and not paying attention to him. Like focused on him and only him only.

Another instance was that later that evening at the same convention, they had a concert and a rave with music, dancing, etc. I have never been a fan of that style of music, but I decided to check it out, because my Boyfriend enjoys that style of tunes. ALSO because I am also writing a review and snapping photos of this event for my own website so I was hanging with him, while also covering this event. Anyway during the concert, when we were first let inside, the performer I wanted to see was already playing and I missed part of their set, so I ran to the front, leaving my man behind, and manged to snap some photos and see the last minutes of the performer. After my Boyfriend and I took off to his car and get some glow sticks then came back to the concert, as soon as entered another performer dressed up in this outfit, was performing so I again ran to snap some photos and my Boyfriend didn't like this, he instead wanted me to tell him "Hey BRB need to take a photo" THEN leave. Not just leave him there standing still. So he disliked how I ran off and did that.

After snapping the photos, my Boyfriend who had brought his camera, was going to take his camera back to the car, so I was left alone for a bit. I then took off and walked around the convention to pass the time, and wait for my Boyfriend to return. He did and I went back to look for him, and him and I hung out, hearing the music. As I was standing there with glow sticks in hand, some of the people asked me, if they could buy 1 off me, I said no and just gave them the stick for free. This one guy asked me for one, I handed him one and he gave me a hug in return saying thanks, then returned to his friends to enjoy the show.

This is where it goes bad. My Boyfriend says he heard that guy and his friend or friends talking amongst themselves and saying that I was single, because I wasn't dancing with my Boyfriend. These guys didn't know if we were a couple of not. So my Boyfriend says he heard them talking and then says he disliked how that guy hugged me and my Boyfriend thinks I was dancing with that guy who asked for the glow stick! I WAS NOT dancing with that guy. I didn't even dance period. I was standing still, just moving back and forth, I didn't even dance with my Boyfriend. So my Boyfriend disliked that I didn't dance with him. He kept going on later on that night about wanting to dance with me etc. But we didn't dance and in the end he said the music wasn't all that great anyway but he again wanted us to dance.

So what do you think of these situations and what should I do?

[basilandthyme]

I assume this is the same guy where there have been lots of fights recently and who is overly needy. You haven't told us how long you've been together, but I'd be inclined to guess that the relationship has now passed it's infatuation stage and you're seeing the real him. A needy, nitpicking jerk.

It's fine to mention if something upsets us. However, it's also important to let the small things go and not get fussed about them - but your boyfriend can't seem to do this. Even after the convention if there was something bothering him, he could have least whittled it down to one thing instead of giving you a laundry list of stuff.

There is one of two ways forward.

A. Tell him that you are reconsidering the relationship because he's needy and overly critical about small things. Then give it time to see if he can change.

B. Use the breakup line "You need someone who can make you happy. Given the amount of complaints you make against me, I'm not that person" and then end it.

[treehugger101]

He says he acted the way he was due to him not taking his medication for his anxiety and his anxiety got to him and caused him to act this way. Him and I have been together for the past 8 months. I thought things were fine between us after him and I had a long talk the other day but this happened. Yes it is the same guy and yes he is needy and insecure. He has said sorry about what happened but again brings it up because he didn't like how he treated me and did feel bad about the whole thing. I told him, I was going to change my ways for him and for me so then maybe he could then like me more since being myself isn't working. I go out of my way to change him and please him but when he says sorry and says he will change, this whole repeat of the circle cycle thingy happens. I do care about him a lot and want us to work things out but yet this same stuff keeps happening.

[solarion]

Sounds like he leans on you quite a bit. If he has anxiety disorder that is being moderated to some extent with medication then he needs to ensure that he's taking them. The insecurity/control issues are another deal altogether. While he may recognize and want to change these things about himself, it's seldom easy for someone to avoid the needy behavior that stems from low self-esteem. Don't coddle him when he fusses over minutiae, remind him that you're with him because you value your time together, and that you don't appreciate being criticized over every little detail. If you stick firmly to this kind of stance he should eventually begin to see the ridiculousness and drama that he's creating by picking fights with you and check his own behavior before it turns into an argument.

[Wakeup]

How many of these same types of threads are you going to start about this guy?

Do you have Autism or something that makes you ask these questions over and over again because you don't have the ability to know what is socially acceptable or not? (no disrespect intended) I ask because it would explain why you keep on with him when you obviously do not like how he is but you appear to think that you might be wrong in not liking it.

So... do you have Asperger's or some other form of autism?

[treehugger101]

NO I do not have aspergers or autism at all. I am just not sure what to do about these situations and wanted other people's thoughts and opinions on it thats all. But everything is fine with him and I now.

[Wakeup]

Yea... everything is fine until he does the same bs he's been doing AGAIN and you post to ask if how he's responding to your action acceptable behaviour or not.

Adjust how you are in his company to accommodate his requests or get the hell away from him and his BS.

So: Question to YOU. ARE YOU HAPPY to give him what he asks of you?

[basilandthyme]

But everything is fine with him and I now.

Until the next time. Because there WILL BE a next time.

And don't change yourself to make someone else happier. I mean, if you don't like who you are and what you do, change for yourself - but don't change to make someone else love you more. Only be with a person who loves you for who you are.

And I have to say that changing to keep a critical person in your life reeks of desperation. Can't you do better than this?

[treehugger101]

I am not desparate, I just believe him and I can work this out. You know there are couples out there who have dealt with worse situations than these issues. And I want to put his happiness before my own and make him happy and if I have to change to do so, then so be it. I already know he will never change no matter how many times he has said sorry and says he will change, I know this circle will not end, and I am fine by that.

[basilandthyme]

And I want to put his happiness before my own and make him happy and if I have to change to do so, then so be it. I already know he will never change no matter how many times he has said sorry and says he will change, I know this circle will not end, and I am fine by that.

Wow. This ^^^ is an extraordinary level of dysfunction on your part.

At any rate, if you are determined to travel on this path remember that you have made the decision to be fine with his behaviour. This means that you do not have the right to complain about him upsetting you. Suck it all up.

[treehugger101]

I am going to suck it up and just make sure he is happy.

[Wakeup]

Won't matter because he will keep raising his expectations of you and no matter how you change to appease him, there will always be another way you will need to change.

You are with the wrong BOY. His actions with you are just the beginning of this abusive and controlling situation you have found yourself in.

You have some mental issues and you lack boundaries. Get your own therapy for that and when you have improved on those things with the help of a professional... You'll find that his bullshit is something you are not, nor ever will be happy with.

Be careful when you leave him, when you've finally hit YOUR limit of what you'll take, that he doesn't stalk you or harm you in anyway.

[basilandthyme]

I am going to suck it up and just make sure he is happy.

But you CAN'T make sure he's happy. Happiness is something we give ourselves - and only he can make himself happy. Unless he decides to change his outlook (and you've already acknowledged that he won't change), he always find something to criticise about you.

If you are to be with him, what you need to suck up is that he'll never stop criticising you. No matter how many hoops you jump through, you'll find that he's criticising you because you looked the wrong way. Or you frowned when you didn't mean to. Or you spent 10 minutes too long doing something you enjoy. It's the type of man he is and nothing you can do will change this.

[TheEvilJester]

I think I may have responded on one/some of your past threads. I don't have time, though, to re-read through the whole history, so right now I will have to just respond based on your latest story.

Reading that, like anybody else my initial gut reaction would be that the guy is way too clingy and needy. That he over-reacted. Here's the thing, though.... Not knowing you and not knowing him, this story could easily go from one extreme to another, or possibly fall somewhere in between. Allow me to explain by asking this for clarification....

So, you say he was upset that you were on your phone instead of spending time with him. ....Were you spending basically every moment of the convention glued to your phone and basically ignoring him the entire time? Or, was this ONE isolated incident (or maybe a few moments here and there) where you were using your phone, but otherwise you were very attentive to him? Were you two holding hands, cudding, etc. otherwise throughout the night, or were you basically not doing so AT ALL?

I ask because, despite my initial gut reaction.... I've actually been on the other side of a story like that in a past relationship. My ex and I would go out to do things together, and the ENTIRE time, it would be like I might as well have not been there. She'd be glued to her phone all day, she'd be talking to anybody and everybody else, she'd be doing whatever and it would be like I didn't even exist. We'd hang out with friends together and I would always make sure everybody felt included and involved. With her, I might as well not have been there.

So, in my case, I wasn't upset and flipping out because my ex spent ten minutes out of a six hour event on the phone. I was upset because she spent three minutes actually enjoying the event WITH ME and the rest basically making me wonder why I was even there. Just one of a million things that make me wonder what the HELL I was thinking to put up with her for so long.

Here's the thing.....

It doesn't sound to me like that is the case with you. My intperpretation of your story is that you DID spend plenty of time with him, but then he flips out because you took your phone out ONCE. I get the impression he basically expected you to fawn all over him 24/7 and gets upset when that doesn't happen.

So, you'd have to clarify. Am I right, or is it possible that you weren't attentive enough? From your story, I lean toward thinking that you were and that was still not good enough for him, but I guess only you would know.

Though, I will say this....

As far as you stepping away from him momentarily to get a closer picture of the bands.... I do think he over-reacted, but at the same time I also think it would have just been proper manners to just say something like "Hey, I'll be right back. I'm going to try to get closer to get a picture." I mean, if you were there with a group of your friends, you wouldn't just wander off from them without a word, would you? It isn't like you should have to check in with him at every moment of every day. But, in this particular instance, you were standing together enjoying this event. Why wouldn't you just say "Hey, I'll be right back?" Still, I definitely would lean toward thinking he overreacted anyway.

My next question would be regarding the dancing issue you mentioned. Did he ask you to dance at any point (BEFORE complaining) and you declined? It doesn't sound like he did, but I could be misinterpreting. If he asked repeatedly and you kept turning him down, then I could understand his frustration A LITTLE, but that still shouldn't give him an excuse to blame you for some guys talking about whether or not you are single. Did you do anything to blatantly imply you were single? Not to mention, from what you said, the guy initiated the hug, not the other way around. Unless you were overtly flirting or something like that then how are you supposed to be blamed because some guys found you attractive? Hell, that should make him feel awesome that he's your boyfriend.

I can understand how this guy feels. I think we probably all can to some degree. Hell, I know what it is like having low to no self-esteem. I know how hard it can be to ignore the evil little voices in your head trying to make a big deal out of every little thing. But, you can't just give in to that. You have to learn to engage your intellectual side and better recognize when you are freaking out over the little things, or when you are freaking out over something over which you should freak out. He is having trouble learning this appropriate balance.

The good news, though, is he apparently realizes this and IS trying to fix it. You mentioned he is on medication for his anxiety. Hopefully that will help. Is he in therapy of any kind as well? That may be a good idea for him. Bottom line, he needs to learn how to better separate when he is overreacting from when he is reasonably upset. It's not okay for him to overreact and flip out over such little things.

I think it is AWESOME that you want to stick by him. The thing is, you shouldn't have to change who you are for somebody. There is NOTHING wrong with changing in ways you want/feel you should anyway, but you shouldn't ever be specifically changing for somebody. If they don't love you for you, then they shouldn't be with you. I do think it is awesome that you realize he doesn't mean to do this, and that you realize he is making an effort. I just ask, for your own sake, please realize that you need to have a breaking point. At some point, if he does not get over this clingyness/neediness, and ESPECIALLY if he doesn't put in the effort to get over it all, please care enough about yourself to realize you don't deserve it. Even if he sort of can't help it because it is due to anxiety issues, that is still no excuse for him to just give up and expect you should have to live with it.

For his sake, as much as yours, I hope he can learn a better balance. It isn't easy, but I am living proof that it CAN be done. Good luck to you, and good luck to him as well.