Low blow or am I overreacting?

[vanillacupcake]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Over the last few months, his negativity/constant complaints/pessimistic viewpoints have been weighing me down immensely and I find it difficult to be happy and upbeat when I’m around him. For the first time this weekend, he noticed I seemed “down” (he may have noticed before but this was the first time he’s really consulted with me about it – Other than asking the simple “what’s wrong?”) He asked me why I seem unhappy most of the time. I tried to explain to him, in the nicest way possible, that being around someone who is constantly negative, pessimistic, angry, easily irritated and judgmental makes it difficult for me to remain in high spirits. Examples: If we go out somewhere and it’s really packed, he will act like a borderline mad man and use derogatory names for the people around him / he gets extreme road rage / makes racist comments frequently.. in public / speaks negatively about almost any topic & sees the worst in almost every situation. When I explained how I felt, he quickly told me not to blame him for the fact that I am on anti-depressants. He says that he’s not to blame for my depression problems. I am on anti-depressants and have been for a while, but they are mild and I am not depressed and haven’t been in a long time. If he could see how I am around other people, he would realize that I am “happy” and “upbeat” and that my anti-depressants aren’t the “issue” here. Do I have the right to be offended and hurt that he would take a sensitive matter like this and throw it in my face? Not just because he wouldn’t accept responsibility, but the fact that this came off as such a low blow.. What are your thoughts?

[basilandthyme]

Given his ongoing attitude to life, this most recent comment was just more of the same from him. He's basically a massive dickhead.

After reading this post and your previous post together, I have to ask "why are you with him?" Serious question. You're not at all happy and he's not good husband or father material. So why are you still there?

[Wakeup]

I think you should just leave him and actually do the experiment to see if you need anti-depressants when he's no longer sucking the joy out of you.

[smarta$$]

I agree with the others... Are you sure the antidepressants aren't just making his boorish behavior tolerable? Wouldn't it be better to have a boyfriend that didn't make medication seem like an acceptable option?

[megvoh]

Sounds like he makes you miserable and if happy with others and NOT him - breaking up is a good idea.

[TheEvilJester]

I have to be honest... I've gotta side with the general consensus here. No, you were NOT wrong or overreacting to be upset over the way he acted. He asks you if you are okay/what is wrong, then when you are honest with him (and it doesn't sound like you were overly accusatory or blaming him, but just that you were honest) he just throws it in your face. HE asked you what was wrong, then you tell him and he just belittles you for it?

This fella also sounds SO MUCH like my ex. She, too, was so ridiculously negative that it started to affect me too and drag me down with her. She could NEVER be happy and could NEVER enjoy anything. There was always a complaint, always a rude and/or hateful comment about something or somebody. She could never just enjoy anything. What's worse is she realize it and didn't care to do anything to deal with her issues, for her own self as much as for me and others around her.

Bottom line, you need to worry about you. Your significant other should be one of the things in life that makes you deliriously happy. They should never be one of the things dragging you down. If he can't realize he has problems and do anything to fix it (again, as much for his own self as for those around him).... If his negativity starts to drag you down with him.... You owe it to yourself to care enough about yourself to get out of the situation.

It took me much longer than it should have to finally realize I deserved so much better. Please don't make the same mistake. Now, am I saying you give up right now? Not necessarily. If you think it may be worth it, try sitting him down for a serious talk. Maybe he doesn't realize how negative he is. You may actually open his eyes and help him to realize that he doesn't deserve to live such a negative life (just as much as you and others around him don't deserve to have to be around it).

If he just hurls more abuse at you for just trying to help him, then that tells you all you need to know. Bottom line, though, whether it is right now or whether you try to give him a chance to realize the err of his ways first, you need to care about yourself enough to know that you don't deserve to be around such negativity. You deserve somebody who lifts you up, not drags you down with them. Good luck to you.

[solarion]

I'm hesitant to join in on the lob BF under the bus campaign, despite the OPs seemingly damming testimony here as to her guy's poor behavior. My rationale is that this post has a decidedly different tone than the OP's previous post about the same guy. That one, to me at least, seemed much more objective in content and pragmatic about differences between them, going so far as to question her own role in the problems between them. This one is borderline character assassination based on his behavior "Over the last few months", despite the fact that these posts are only EIGHT days apart.

[farah52]

I think it's totally understandable for you to feel upset that he said that to you. Depression and taking antidepressants are really sensitive subjects and not something to be talked about so lightly. He went from being defensive to blaming you for the issue :/ I would try telling him in another conversation that it's not ok for him to say something like that to you. Don't bring up the other issues (his negativity, anger, and irritability) and just focus on that one comment about the antidepressants.

On a side note, does he just act this way all the time or only on certain occasions? If he brings you down 24/7, then you might want to think about why you're together and if you're getting enough positivity and support from the relationship. I haven't read your other post, so I'm just going off of what you said here.

[dontaskme]

... his negativity/constant complaints/pessimistic viewpoints have been weighing me down immensely and I find it difficult to be happy and upbeat when I’m around him.

....that being around someone who is constantly negative, pessimistic, angry, easily irritated and judgmental makes it difficult for me to remain in high spirits. Examples: If we go out somewhere and it’s really packed, he will act like a borderline mad man and use derogatory names for the people around him / he gets extreme road rage / makes racist comments frequently.. in public / speaks negatively about almost any topic & sees the worst in almost every situation.

What are your thoughts?

Why don't you do another observational experiment? Does he only behave this way when he has to spend money or when he missed any good sale? Being the cheapskate that he is, I bet most of his aggravation stems from having to spend money

[solarion]

Perhaps it is even easier to diagnose if BF uses the terms "sheeple", "debt slave", or "debt slavery". If BF expresses the notion that debt is not "money" or that only gold and silver are or can be "money".

[woody]

maybe the BF is depressed and is acting out in unjust ways as a cry for help type thing. Who knows. Maybe this is simply a case of two people no longer grooving together hence the shyte attitudes sneaking in from both towards the within. again, who knows. The great Who? who knows.

But I will say, life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't bring out the best in one's self no matter who's throwing what or how it's being thrown.

[Wakeup]

I'm hesitant to join in on the lob BF under the bus campaign, despite the OPs seemingly damming testimony here as to her guy's poor behavior. My rationale is that this post has a decidedly different tone than the OP's previous post about the same guy. That one, to me at least, seemed much more objective in content and pragmatic about differences between them,

^^^ The bottom line is: "She finds herself having difficulty being happy around him." Time to do the experiment and see if she cheers up after he's gone.

[solarion]

She also said this: "He has positive qualities, but at this point, I don’t think they outweigh the negative."

...but chose not to elaborate, or even address the numerous comments her previous thread garnered. Instead she started a new thread with a new post that has a decisively negative slant. It comes off more as venting than advice seeking when follow up questions are ignored and feedback commentary is seemingly disregarded.

If I could ask one single question of the OP it would be simply: What changed a few months ago?

[Wakeup]

I'm sure Jeffery Dalmer had some positive qualities too. Ha!

Anyway... time for a change which I doubt she'll bother making. Those that are fed up just leave... they don't ask strangers "do I have a right to be offended?"

[TheEvilJester]

I'm hesitant to join in on the lob BF under the bus campaign, despite the OPs seemingly damming testimony here as to her guy's poor behavior. My rationale is that this post has a decidedly different tone than the OP's previous post about the same guy. That one, to me at least, seemed much more objective in content and pragmatic about differences between them, going so far as to question her own role in the problems between them. This one is borderline character assassination based on his behavior "Over the last few months", despite the fact that these posts are only EIGHT days apart.

Seriously?! This is not the first time this has happened to me.

Okay, so news flash folks. I don't mean to be rude, but.....

We don't all memorize every thread we see here, who posted it, all the responses we gave and others gave, etc. Heck. Some of us may miss threads here and there. It could be possible we are seeing your newest thread without ever having seen your old thread. If you are still discussing the same topic, please don't open a new thread. Discuss on the existing thread. If it IS a new topic, but is sort of related/relevant to the old topic, please at least reference that you posted before.

I, for one, don't have time to dig through each poster's past threads to see the history. I am only able to respond based on what is shared in each particular thread. If it is true that the OP has another thread out there that paints the BF in a much less negative light, that could change my thoughts on the whole thing. Throw me a frickin' bone here people. (Dr. Evil. Gotta love him. LOL!)

I will say, it still doesn't change that I think it is NOT okay to go around being such a negative person like your BF has been. If maybe there are reasons he's been driven to that, then maybe it isn't just in his nature to be so negative. If that is the case, then maybe he does just need to step back and realize he is doing that and it needs to stop.

If it is just in his nature to be so ridiculously negative (much like my ex) then it may be best just to take out the trash, move on, and find yourself a fella who can appreciate the good times when he has them, rather than finding a reason to complain about absolutely everything.