How do you fall out of love?

[here_I_am]

Last post I made about this sort of issue I was told to stop feeling sorry for myself so this time I'm really hoping someone can sympathise with me a bit and give more constructive advice?

There's a guy at work whom I have hopelessly fell in love with. I just don't know how to read him and I wish I could just ask knowing he will answer. But I know he won't answer.

It all started about a year ago and many times since I thought it was temporary and that I could deal with it.

We had a bit of a fling that lasted 3 months or so, but there was no sex, no touching, nothing too intimate. The most we did was kiss and this may sound pathetic, but trust me, it was like a scene out of a cheesy movie, where you get hit right in the heart by a cupid's arrow. Being with him was the most amazing thing ever and from what he used to say, being with me was the same for him too. Well, at least for some time.

We realised we couldn't keep on going like that. OK, I did- because we're both in relationships. I wasn't comfortable with it. He said to me he wanted to get to know me and see where it'd go.. but I stopped it before it got there.

6 months later I'm here crying my heart out every night because I miss him so much. I see him at work everyday. I can see he looks at me, I can feel the chemistry (never had anything like that happen before, I'm 34). When we "split" I told him I will never message him again unless he wants me too. But he will just send me a message at work, randomly, out of the blue, just giving me some updates about things he doesn't share with anyone else (family related stuff, he's not naturally the one for sharing). Then he will go quiet. But he looks at me and I shiver when he does and he knows I do.

But this is slowly killing me, I suffer and whatever I've tried so far to get rid of the thoughts of him has failed. I know I love him, I just don't want to love him. I want to get on with my life but I can't. When I go to bed and close my eyes he is there.. he is there constantly and it's starting to cause me pain.

How do I stop loving him?

[melancholia]

Are you still in the relationship you were in when you started the fling with this guy?

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just stop being so melodramatic and be with this guy? What keeps you with your boyfriend... Is it the fact that he wants to keep his girlfriend and just have you on the side or is it because you love your current boyfriend?

I'm going off to read your other thread(s) to see what the deal is.

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Okay... I remember now...

You're not in love with this guy. You're in lust and infatuation with him and you're suffering from "Limerence" Google "limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. It explains perfectly the little bit of "mental illness" you are going through.

See a therapist. Hopefully he/she will help you to overcome this fixation you have on the Dawg. You don't know anything about him other then he wanted to continue on to "see where it would go" while he remained with who he chose as a life mate. That's a player and a twat. Not someone you wallow in your memories of to the point where you can't get to the stage of indifference to them.

You should be patting yourself on the back for having the good personal boundaries in place to stop this train to cheatersville before you actually laid with him. You kissed him, you sexted with him through email and you've emotionally cheated with him. That's enough. Get doing the mental work you need to do to cleanse him from your thoughts. That means immediately stopping and changing any thoughts of him as soon as he enters your brain. Get help if you can't do that on your own. Start by accepting that even if you got with him, you'd never trust him and that's because he's untrustworthy.

Besides helping you out of your limerence, a good therapist will help you to get the strength to leave your codependent relationship with "Bob" if he's not the right man for you. (I suspect he is but you've driven an emotional wedge between the two of you and you've been spending your emotional allowance on Dawg.)

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BTW:

Last post I made about this sort of issue I was told to stop feeling sorry for myself so this time I'm really hoping someone can sympathise with me a bit and give more constructive advice?

That last post you're talking about must have been in another forum board because you've gotten lots of advice about you and this guy and your limerence, lust and infatuation... certainly it's not love.

Put an elastic band around your wrist and everytime he pops into your thoughts, ping that elastic hard and consciously change the subject to something else.. More importantly, someone else... like your live in partner and what you can do to get the emotional connection back on him or the strength to leave him if you can't.

Good luck.

Here's that link on "Limerence."

[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence[/url]

[sonali22chauhan]

It's really good question But how.. How to fall out to love ?

It's really hard to Fall Out of Love but if you Accepting that You Are Hurt & Moving On to another love partner than you can come out Love. I know it's hard but it works too.

[here_I_am]

You're not in love with this guy. You're in lust and infatuation with him and you're suffering from "Limerence" Google "limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. It explains perfectly the little bit of "mental illness" you are going through.
See a therapist. Hopefully he/she will help you to overcome this fixation you have on the Dawg. You don't know anything about him other then he wanted to continue on to "see where it would go" while he remained with who he chose as a life mate. That's a player and a twat. Not someone you wallow in your memories of to the point where you can't get to the stage of indifference to them.

Thanks Wakeup, I do think however you seem to put everyone in the same bag. When you say it it sounds so simple and "yeah you're bloody right"- I understand you're a strong and rational character believing to have the best advice. I appreciate what you've said but you are, same as you weren't before, right.
So I have read about "limerence" and as much as it sounds kind-of-like it, there are many points that don't apply to my situation. I don't think that's what it is. Although, it is a good concept and I like it, it makes sense. But you seem to know a lot about me and him, how do you know I don't know anything about him? How do you know I am not in love with him? A rubber band? Honestly? You think that is enough?

[friendsfirst]

Are you still with Bob?

[here_I_am]

Are you still with Bob?

I am kind of yeah
Although it isn't really being together AND do not blame it on me. Bob and I aren't happy together, but our situation is quite complex and that is why we still are. People have been saying leave him and move on blah blah he could do the same, but we both know that at the moment we cannot as it wouldn't be simple.

I know that sounds silly, but.
We live abroad with no family and with very limited number of friends. We've got financial commitments that we cannot get out of at the moment. Just to be clear- Bob doesn't love me and I don't love Bob. We are together, because as stupid as it sounds, at the moment we have to. He doesn't care about what I do and I don't really care about what he does, as long as we remain civil and don't argue like kids. We've learnt to do that, but I know he isn't happy with me and I am not happy with him. There just isn't much we can do at the moment.

Nevertheless, it's got nothing to do with Dawg (LOL) I would leave Bob NOW if I could and I know he would leave me if he could. That doesn't depend on Dawg loving me or not.

Does this make sense?

[TheEvilJester]

Put an elastic band around your wrist and everytime he pops into your thoughts, ping that elastic hard and consciously change the subject to something else.

Man, that rubber band thing doesn't work. I used that method to try to get over my bad habit of snapping my wrist with a rubber band. So, every time I wanted to snap my wrist with a rubber band, I'd instead snap my wrist wi.... You know something? I think I'm beginning to see the flaw in my logic. :-P

Okay, but being serious now....

How do you fall out of love?

I really wish I could offer more helpful advice, but honestly, only time will really help. Now, if I could hop in a time machine, I would tell you that you never should have gotten together with this guy in the first place since you were in a relationship at the time. I don't care if your relationship is absolutely miserable. You don't enter into another relationship until you've actually ended it.

The thing is, that advice comes too little too late. In addition, I don't think it was ever your intention to cheat. Unless I miss my guess, I don't think you entered into things expecting to fall for this fella, nor did you expect to wind up taking things a little too far.

From what you say, it sounds to me like you need to leave your current boyfriend. You say you and him are not happy. I don't see how the situation can be complicated. You two are unhappy together. That seems pretty uncomplicated to me. End things and move on. How are you both supposed to get the chance to be happy if you remain stuck in a relationship that ruins your chance to be happy?

To be perfectly honest with you, once you do break up, I think you need to take some time for yourself. Heal from the current relationship. Learn from mistakes made, both on your end and on your boyfriend's end. I'm not trying to point the finger of blame at you, I am just saying that break-ups are rarely only one person's fault. Maybe there are things you should have done better, maybe there are things he should have. Learn from those mistakes, or you will just be doomed to repeat them.

As far as this fella, if he WAS truly meant for you, he wouldn't also already be in a relationship of his own. You never know, maybe fate will see to it that his relationship doesn't work out, and that you two find yourselves single and available at the same time. If so, great. Bottom line, though, you should not put your life on hold for something that may never happen.

Time will help your feelings for him fade. What will finally erase them completely is when you first notice somebody else. The thing is, believe me, you don't want to rush that. Let it happen naturally. For all you know, your attraction to this guy is an extreme reaction because you are unhappy with your current situation. He could just turn out to be a sort of "rebound" for you. We rarely make our best decisions when we are in emotional distress.

I do definitely understand how you feel. Sometimes when our heart gets hit, it gets hit HARD. Sometimes, even when you KNOW with every fiber of your intellectual being that it isn't right, you can't help that your heart really wants it to be right. Sometimes the heart is right, but sometimes it is very wrong. I think this may be a case of the latter.

Therapy would certainly not be a bad idea if you can. Trust me, I understand the reluctance, but it CAN help. I've said this many times before, and will probably say it many times again.... it is NOT weak to admit when you need help. We all do sometimes. Now, maybe you don't feel you need to go that route. If you do not, fine. Unfortunately, though, time and distance is really the only medicine that will help you to get over this situation.

Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

I am kind of yeah
Although it isn't really being together AND do not blame it on me. Bob and I aren't happy together, but our situation is quite complex and that is why we still are. People have been saying leave him and move on blah blah he could do the same, but we both know that at the moment we cannot as it wouldn't be simple.

I know that sounds silly, but.
We live abroad with no family and with very limited number of friends. We've got financial commitments that we cannot get out of at the moment. Just to be clear- Bob doesn't love me and I don't love Bob. We are together, because as stupid as it sounds, at the moment we have to. He doesn't care about what I do and I don't really care about what he does, as long as we remain civil and don't argue like kids. We've learnt to do that, but I know he isn't happy with me and I am not happy with him. There just isn't much we can do at the moment.

Nevertheless, it's got nothing to do with Dawg (LOL) I would leave Bob NOW if I could and I know he would leave me if he could. That doesn't depend on Dawg loving me or not.

Does this make sense?

No... it makes no sense whatsoever. Dawg has chosen to live out his life with the woman he lives with. That is your cue to stop your nonsense, your fixation, your obsession and quit longing for him by doing the work you need to do to stop it. He.Is.In.A.Relationship. And... so are you whether you love one another or not, it makes you unavailable and chalk full of unfinished baggage and any man that gets with you knows that and will use you for a cum bucket if you let him and in the meantime, while you're not letting him, you're becoming emotionally attached to him. Do yourself a favor and stop the insanity.

Do what you have to do to get out of your current situation and then and only then, start looking for a new partner that doesn't have someone waiting for him to come home. If your current situation is going to be a long time resolving so you can leave, then maybe you ought to think about making it work as a team rather then two individuals in a dysfunctional mess.

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Thanks Wakeup, I do think however you seem to put everyone in the same bag. When you say it it sounds so simple and "yeah you're bloody right"- I understand you're a strong and rational character believing to have the best advice. I appreciate what you've said but you are, same as you weren't before, right.
So I have read about "limerence" and as much as it sounds kind-of-like it, there are many points that don't apply to my situation. I don't think that's what it is. Although, it is a good concept and I like it, it makes sense. But you seem to know a lot about me and him, how do you know I don't know anything about him? How do you know I am not in love with him? A rubber band? Honestly? You think that is enough?

Ahhh.... I see, you have made your pain and your limerence your best friend and you really don't want help in learning how to "unlove" him. You just want to wallow in your dysfunctional feelings that you call "love" when all it is, is infatuation that never was consummated.

The rubber band is called aversion therapy and it is a proven method to help you stop your obsessive thinking. Once you've stopped that, you'll quickly get to the stage of indifference to him because it will mean that you're stopping yourself from remaining in it. So... yes, I do think it works and you're a bit of a twit for not even having tried it but you refute it non-the-less.

... And yes, I am right and I know it simply because he's chosen to remain with his life-mate but, he will **** you if you allow it. The piece on the side is what he will make you. You're involved with someone else... You're not free to be loved and it's far easier for men to compartmentalize sex and sexual activity and sexting from love then it is most woman... its clear you are one of them.

Common sense clearly tells me that You don't know anything about him because you have not had the opportunity to spend enough time with him one-on-one and you have never had to have life get in the way of your infatuation and limerence like you would have had, had the two of you been free to date and learn what each other is like in real life instead of this fantasy the two of you had been playing in.

You are wasting your life with a man you paint a picture of you being trapped and unable to get out of and now you are wasting your emotions on a guy that doesn't want you for anything other then your sexy emails and your doe eyed devotion to him. I hope you at least make some effort to cleanse your thoughts of him from your mind so that you can begin to get to the stage of indifference to him. Try the elastic method before you dismiss it and if that doesn't work, then get the therapy you need to stop your self-destructive behaviour.

If nothing else, your self respect should be forcing you to do the mental work you need to do to stop obsessing. Not to mention the fact that your ability to empathize for your fellow women should be kicking in and you should be thinking about his wife instead of clinging to your fantasy and wallowing in your memories and thoughts of him. He's married. He just doesn't have the paper that says he is.

[here_I_am]

Haha I wish I could have your attitude.
Wakeup- we need to detach my current relationship from all this. None of this is related. What happens here does not affect the Dawg pelavar nor the Dawg pelavar affects things at home.
It's not actually a relationship anyway. Me and Bob live like students in a house share. Please stop referring to this because it had nothing.to.do.with.it.

And Dawg isn't sending me any signs or trying to use me in any way. Gosh it's so difficult to explain this!

The problem is I see him everyday and I would just like to be comfortable around him, emotionally detached. I can't think of him as a liar and all the bad stuff because he didn't hurt me in any way. On fact it's quite respectful of him to have finished it when I said stop.

Just how do you get to a point where you set yourself free..?

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Wakeup you're being aggressive and I don't like your attitude. What you've done is labelled me, labelled him, labelled my emotions, labelled my home situation and now you're trying to label me into the rubber band therapy, which BTW I am aware of and have come across it although in different circumstances.
No I will not let him **** me because I am not a **** to let anyone **** me- that's very disrespectful. Yes I shouldn't have got in that situation at all, but I did, so calling me this and that for doing xyz is not constructive help.
You know nothing about my life to tell me I am wasting it either.
If you can't help but all you can do is raise your finger then don't say anything at all. If I was depressed I'd probably think about myself as a right failure after reading what you've said...

[Wakeup]

Haha I wish I could have your attitude.
Wakeup- we need to detach my current relationship from all this. None of this is related. What happens here does not affect the Dawg pelavar nor the Dawg pelavar affects things at home.

Okay, lets forget your married and unavailable to be anything but someone's cum bucket.

So: We're pretending you're single to have him as your lover. He's not single though so that's all you'd be and everytime he fvcked you, you'd THINK you were even more in love with him while he went home to his common law wife and the home they share together. That's sounds like loads of heart aching fun ~ which is something you seem to crave.

It's not actually a relationship anyway. Me and Bob live like students in a house share. Please stop referring to this because it had nothing.to.do.with.it.

Surely you're not as silly as that statement makes you out to be? It has EVERYTHING to do with it because like I said... No man will take you seriously when you are still living with the man you have bought a house with and were (once) in love with. You're good for the other woman though if you allow yourself to be so unloving TO YOURSELF.

And Dawg isn't sending me any signs or trying to use me in any way. Gosh it's so difficult to explain this!

That's quite clear. I've said its you that is obsessed, fixated, in limerence and suffering from unreciprocated "infatuation." (Its certainly not love you feel because he has done nothing in actions to tell your subconscious that you should love him)

The problem is I see him everyday and I would just like to be comfortable around him, emotionally detached. I can't think of him as a liar and all the bad stuff because he didn't hurt me in any way. On fact it's quite respectful of him to have finished it when I said stop.

Well think on it this way: He knew you were vulnerable due to your entrapment and he took advantage of your state. He cheated on his partner and then when push came to shove, he chose her but he still hoovered you into sexting with him behind her back. That makes him a self-absorbed asshole. Take him down off the pedestal you have him on (the very pedestal that keeps you mired in admiration and longing) because he is not the epitome of virtue you are convinced that he is.

Just how do you get to a point where you set yourself free..?

You accept that you may not have him. You accept that he is not the epitome of virtue you have set him on the pedestal to be, you accept that it was an emotional fling and that you don't even know him, really. You accept that if you were to consummate this emotional affair and take it to the physical, you would be left alone on all High Holidays as he went home to his live in lover and left you alone. You accept that he's not leaving her for you and finally, you get the counselling you need to help you with your self-worth because you are running low on that fuel if you can't talk your own self out of your limerence for a man who is not worthy of you.

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Wakeup you're being aggressive and I don't like your attitude.

I don't post here to be concerned with whether or not people like yourself who are in mental anguish like what I have to say or how I say it. I post because when you're ready to accept, you will see the truth in what I'm saying to you. If you never do? Well then have fun in this mental pain you're putting yourself in.

What you've done is labelled me, labelled him, labelled my emotions, labelled my home situation and now you're trying to label me into the rubber band therapy, which BTW I am aware of and have come across it although in different circumstances.
No I will not let him **** me because I am not a **** to let anyone **** me- that's very disrespectful. Yes I shouldn't have got in that situation at all, but I did, so calling me this and that for doing xyz is not constructive help.

Oh puleeeeze. Just do the work you need to do to get the answer to your own thread title. Just because I'm not sympathizing with you, you think I'm "labeling" you. When you're ready to actually do the work you need to do to "unlove him" then you should revisit your threads and re-read what has been said. You should concentrate on getting over him and how to do that instead of being offended at the truth.

You know nothing about my life to tell me I am wasting it either.

What would YOU call it?

If you can't help but all you can do is raise your finger then don't say anything at all. If I was depressed I'd probably think about myself as a right failure after reading what you've said...

OMG. Get over it and just do the work you need to do to stop the miserable you've created for yourself.

Next time you want to just hear things that don't make you look in the mirror then maybe this site would be a better choice for you:

[url=http://www.tellmewhatIwanttohear.com]Tell Me What I Want to Hear[/url]

Good luck... I hope you get past your defensiveness so that you learn to accept that he's not all that and a bag of chips.

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BTW: Its okay if you lie to us because we have no personal stake in any of this but when you lie to yourself, well you're just helping to keep yourself mired in the pain you are currently feeling.

When you said the quote below in one of your other threads about dawg, it certainly didn't sound like you were only in your relationship with bob because you were unable to leave for financial or other reasons.

I wish I could just forget about him and move on with my boyfriend, as this is destroying my relationship

You've allowed your infatuation for him ruin more then your emotional well being it would seem. Don't let him in your head any longer.

[here_I_am]

I don't need you to sympathise with me I just think you're actually not contributing to helping me. Gosh you must have gone through some hell or you're just naturally a right miserable cow. If I was able to answer my own question I wouldn't ask the forum.. clearly.. oh well why don't you do some searching through other posts to find someone else to abuse. You're not just "not symapthising" you are abusing, because you think you can, hiding behind the computer screen. Bet your emotions are in a perfect state ay?

[Wakeup]

Oh stop your deflecting back to me.
This is not the first post you've made about this guy and in fact, I've quoted something you said in another thread that shows that you've allowed your fixation on this guy to ruin what you did have with Bob. It may be just a thing of convenience now, but it wasn't at one time.

I added the quote to my last post so you may have missed it as you were typing the post above.

There is not abuse in what I'm saying to you. There is things that you're not yet ready to admit to (obviously) and there are things that are said straight up that you don't like to accept or hear but are directly related to your entire situation but there certainly is no abuse.

[Crushed1]

You don't until you meet someone else

[TheEvilJester]

Look, anybody following this message board will know that Wakeup and I most often take VERY different approaches to offering advice in various threads. You want to know the funny thing, though? More often than not, her and I are saying pretty much the exact same thing, but just saying it in a different way. When we are not, I almost always agree with her anyway. This happens to be one of those cases where we are saying the exact same things, just in a different way.

My point?

Wakeup knows what she is talking about. I can understand if you'd appreciate a gentler approach. Whether or not you feel you need it, though, there are definitely times when people on this board do need a little dose of a Wakeup brand wake-up call. (See what I did there? Clever! Right? LOL!)

I will say this.....

I can understand how you feel in wanting somebody you cannot have. Believe me, I understand. It is a horrible torment. Your intellectual side is literally SCREAMING at you to knock it the Hell off. That you are better than this. That you deserve better. ....But your heart is screaming just as loud at you that this is who/what you want. When the mind and the heart disagree, it can be quite the turmoil.

Believe me, I wish there was such an easy solution to this problem that we could provide it to you here. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. But, much as Wakeup says, a good first step is to remember your value. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. You deserve better than to be used by a guy as his fling on the side. You deserve better than to feel hopelessy devoted to somebody who is not available to you. You deserve better than to be stuck in a sort of relationship that ended in both your minds a long time ago. Only when you realize this will you start to feel better.

Once again, I am going to agree with Wakeup in another aspect.....

He's not all that great a guy. You've got him up on a pedestal he doesn't deserve. Believe me, I've been there, as I am sure we all have. So I understand. But, this fella cheated on his current girlfriend with you. Not only that, but he did so with prior knowledge that you were also taken. From what you've said, he had no intention of ever leaving his current girlfriend, so he continued to have his fling with you knowing full well you'd never be official.

Okay, so when you asked to end this fling, he was respectful in doing so. So at least he is not without his redeeming qualities. That still doesn't change the fact that he DID do some very wrong things, and he played with your heart.

Does all of that really sound like a guy you should want? Take time to remember how to love yourself. Then go out there and find a guy who will realize the great catch he has in you. Find somebody who will be your one and only, and who will consider you his as well.

Good luck to you. I know it is hard to believe, but you WILL be okay in time. For now, you just need to re-learn how to be good to yourself.