I need somebody's advice/input. This is killing me.

[ashpatt]

I apologize if this is long or if this is the wrong place to post this, but I don't have anybody to talk to.

Recently I started conversing with this guy who was giving me attention on Instagram. I knew of him from Facebook and although we had never talked before, I could tell he had a lot of friends and was the outgoing type, which is the polar opposite of my personality. We seemed to have a lot in common, shared similar interests in movies, and texted each other cute messages nonstop for about a week. He even said he’d been wanting to talk to me for a long time. I felt really happy because I was always somewhat interested in him too. Since I hadn’t hung out with anyone, especially a guy, since my six year relationship ended, I was hesitant because I’m extremely shy and feared I wouldn’t look as desirable in person as I do in my Instagram photos. But I met up with him anyway. Just as I expected, I was extremely shy and quiet and felt almost frozen. He did the majority of the talking, and I knew I was boring him to death. We ended up getting a little physical towards the end of the night because we had planned to, but I could tell he wasn’t as interested anymore. Since then he barely texts me and when he does it feels very dispassionate. I know he just doesn’t want to be rude or tell me he isn’t interested in me because I didn't live up to his expectations. It may not seem like a big deal, but I'm absolutely miserable and upset with myself because I feel I let him slip through my fingers. I know it would’ve gone better if it wasn’t for my anxiety. He was nice, funny, charming, comfortable, but I just couldn't talk to him in the way I wanted to. I know it wasn't his fault because I've always been this way with people. I told him I was sorry I was so quiet and that I was just nervous, and all he said was "it's okay, it was fine."

I know that it's not fine though. In my mind I'm considering just telling him we can have a strictly physical relationship since we're both just out of relationships and I don't want to stop talking to him. That way he doesn't need to have any feelings for me or like me even.

I guess what I'm injuring here is what do I do and what the hell is my problem? I'm 20 years old by the way and have only been in one relationship. I'm not use to attention from people, especially guys, so when we were texting I felt so wanted and desired, a feeling I hadn't felt in such a long time. Now the attention is gone, and I'm lonely and aching and depressed. I feel pathetic just writing this. I think the worse part is that my ex was right when he told me I wouldn't be able to find someone else because I have a personality of a rock.

[basilandthyme]

I'm so sorry this happened to you Ashpatt. I would strongly advise that you don't suggest a physical thing with him because if he's a good guy, he'll recognise that you're selling yourself short and won't take you up on the offer. I also think you're underestimating what it takes to desire a person sexually - at the very least, he'd need chemistry with you - and it sounds like it just didn't happen.

My suggestion is to go see a psychologist and learn the cause of your shyness and then some strategies for helping overcome it. I found this article and towards the end are some really great suggestions about the kinds of things you can learn to do.

[url]https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200001/shyness-the-new-solution[/url]

[Jemme]

Loneliness amplifies every feeling.

What you feel and want in this moment is more about acceptance and companionship - this guy is who you chose to provide it. It is very important you recognize this. These feelings are transferable, and I recommend you chose someone who is ready to support your feelings and needs. Why? Because you matter, and so do your feelings!

I suggest you create a list of what you want in a boyfriend. Things like:
1. Kind
2. Great smile
3. Outgoing
4. Respectful
5. Smart
6. Artsy
7. Hardworking

You will attract what you expect. Right now your self-esteem is low, so you will draw in takers or users (people who will use you emotions and body for personal satisfaction and give nothing in return). You gotta fix your part of this equation to prevent being hurt.

Once you lock down in your mind 4 to 5 basic requirements for a good friendship or love, you will start to weed out all the grabage you receive from guys, and start walking, talking and acting like the kinda girl that guys seek for a lifetime and want to be around alot.

In the meantime, you should be taking up a hobby that puts you in the spotlight (arts, sports, drama), or volunteerting. The best guys have big hearts, and you can often find them doing volunteer work.

New wonderful things are ahead of you if you are willing to love yourself (not rely on someone else to make you feel whole). And don't put a timeline on when you should find love or keep up with friends. Why? Because you may be that girl that has a prince waiting for you to transform from the caterpillar into the beautiful butterfly you will be.

Many hugs and wishes for success!

Jules

[solarion]

Focus less on fb and instagram conversations OP and more on real conversations with real people face to face. Initiate conversations with people you've no good reason to speak to. Conversation skills and social grace are things that have to be cultivated over time to gain confidence. When you talked a great game on social media and then showed up nervous, shy, and withdrawn it probably threw him for a loop. Get off social media and work on yourself in actual social settings.

[Wakeup]

I know that it's not fine though. In my mind I'm considering just telling him we can have a strictly physical relationship since we're both just out of relationships and I don't want to stop talking to him. That way he doesn't need to have any feelings for me or like me even.

Oh gosh... don't do that, that's going to kill you for sure when you think that your lust and infatuation is "love" and you lose your self-respect when he never wants to advance the relationship past the fvck buddy stage.

You are jonseing after the wrong guy, luv. You need to be with a guy that is attracted to you as you are. One that you don't have to lower yourself to be his cum bucket in order to keep him (and his little crumbs {texts}) in your life.

You will find someone more suited to you as long as you're putting yourself out there and are easy to find by a better suiter then this guy. Don't be so hard on yourself and for goodness sakes, don't settle for ANYone no matter how great they are on paper ~ which is most always quite different in the real world.

You'd do well to stave off dating when you're not ready like you're not. (willing to settle to be his FB proves that) and use the time saved by taking a course that will force you to do things outside your comfort zone (like public speaking or something in the theatre arts or even ball room dancing for that matter) which will help you to overcome your shyness and lack of confidence.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh, and... Great link, Basil.