Husband's Friend Hitting On Me

[kc82]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice in a very uncomfortable situation. My husband has a close friend who regularly gets hammered and makes inappropriate comments to me. A few months ago, he told me that he had always been attracted to me and wanted to make something happen. I told him that was inappropriate, and he fortunately backed off. The next day I told my husband about the situation, and he blew it off - he told me I was overreacting and started getting angry at me for apparently trying to hurt his relationship with his friend (yep, I'm rolling my eyes just typing that). I knew that my husband was probably a little taken aback by what I told him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to move past it...

Unfortunately, the same thing happened again a couple weeks later. This time when I brought it up to my husband, he actually acted angry and said something to his friend...the friend vehemently apologized and said he was really drunk and it wouldn't happen again. My husband seemed satisfied by that response and moved on again.

Tonight, his friend cornered me in the kitchen while we were both grabbing drinks and asked to make out with me. I told him no and he (fortunately, again) backed off. I haven't said anything to my husband about it yet and don't know if I should.

My concern is that my husband seems to think that his friend's advances are either in my imagination or my somehow my fault. If I tell him that this happened again, he'll most likely accuse me of overreacting or misinterpreting. If I don't tell him, I run the risk of him walking in on his friend's advances and think I'm a willing participant. This is compounded by the fact that he doesn't have many friends in the area (he moved here for my job) and really relies on this friendship (but is this guy really a "friend" if he's hitting on his wife??). I just know it will hurt him and he'll unfortunately turn that pain into anger and the anger will be directed at me.

Part of me wants to protect my husband (and myself); part of me wants my husband to know that he can't really trust this friend. I honestly don't know what to do. Any thoughts are appreciated...

Thanks all,
H

[basilandthyme]

As the friend continues with the behaviour despite his apologies, I'd up the ante in my responses. If it were me, I'd make a very public scene. Perhaps throw a drink over him while loudly proclaiming that you're sick and tired of his lecherous ways. And loudly tell him that you wouldn't f*ck him if he was the last man on earth.

A bit of group mortification should put him in his place.

I'm sorry that I have no suggestions to protect your husband. I guess all you can do is explain during the aftermath that you tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen so you had to take matters in to your own hands.

- - - Updated - - -

Alternately, if you don't want to go in all guns blazing....you could try rejecting his apology next time he does it. Tell him that despite his repeated apologies, his behaviour continues. The fact that he keeps doing it makes clear he doesn't truly regret his actions. Tell him that you will not accept his apology until he can demonstrate that he can change his behaviour

[Wakeup]

I think you need to be more assertive then just telling this guy "no" and "that's inappropriate" and if there is a next time, you tell him he's gross and unattractive and even if you were single to have him, you woudnt fk him.

Or... Just say nothing, knee him in the nuts and immediately leave the area.

[Lilly328]

You gotta be firm telling him "no". Be more worried about yourself. Who knows if he could go more extreme then what he did. Try telling your huband again that this friend of his is making advance at you and you're not comfortable having him over or being anywhere near him . Or the next time he does it, reject him aloud so people could withness it that he's the one coming on to you. That should teach him something. :/

[basilandthyme]

Well there's three responses all with roughly the same advice

[melancholia]

As the friend continues with the behaviour despite his apologies, I'd up the ante in my responses. If it were me, I'd make a very public scene. Perhaps throw a drink over him while loudly proclaiming that you're sick and tired of his lecherous ways. And loudly tell him that you wouldn't f*ck him if he was the last man on earth.

I agree with this, very much so. Although, I would yell something along the lines of, "even in your dreams, I would still reject you!" Your husband's friend is a predator. You said he literally cornered you in a separate room from your husband and other people and propositioned you with sexual contact. Every incident you have described seems to escalate from the last, and it's only going to get worse unless you put an end to this. I am honestly scared for you that one of these times, he will actually physically/sexually assault you, or he could even rape you if he found an opportunity. Seriously, that may sound harsh and like an overreaction, but it's not. This kind of explicit behavior is exactly what rapists do.

I'm sorry that I have no suggestions to protect your husband. I guess all you can do is explain during the aftermath that you tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen so you had to take matters in to your own hands.

Alternately, if you don't want to go in all guns blazing....you could try rejecting his apology next time he does it. Tell him that despite his repeated apologies, his behaviour continues. The fact that he keeps doing it makes clear he doesn't truly regret his actions. Tell him that you will not accept his apology until he can demonstrate that he can change his behaviour

Yeah, I think his apologies are f*cking bullsh*t and useless cop-outs in response to your rejection of him. Your husband's behavior is more concerning to me, though. Honestly, he is displaying victim blaming behavior and he is protecting his disgusting pig of a friend over his wife, who has been forced into social interaction with a man who has openly and repeatedly sexually harassed her and makes her feel deeply uncomfortable. I would be f*cking LIVID with my partner if he just let his dirtbag friend continue to act like that around me. At the same time, you are free to decline invitations to social events if you know he will be there. At the same time, I hate that I've even suggested that, because again it puts the onus on the victim to do something about it, when the perpetrator is the real problem here.

So, you have a few options. You can take basilandthyme's advice and either blow up and make a scene (something I would do), or you can take a bit more of a diplomatic approach, but stay firm and clear in your rejection (however, that hasn't worked for you so far, so maybe try a different option). You absolutely should discuss this further with your husband. It honestly seems so odd to me that he would defend his friend and that he would slough it off and chalk it up to being over served.... clearly you aren't overreacting and his friend is a disgusting person. I think if you talk to your husband and maybe explain things a bit further, really tell him how uncomfortable you are around his friend and how it is completely unacceptable for his friends to treat you that way, maybe he will smarten up and can drop this loser from his social roster.

I am sorry you're feeling alone in this situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with a creep. And I am also sorry that the person who should be supporting you and defending you, is essentially turning their nose up at the issue. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you are able to make some waves and put all of this behind you.