Wife told me she is interested in another man

[Catchment22]

I have been married 2 years, together 5 years. Most of our relationship was virtual. We were living together for about a year until August of this year. As soon as I moved back to the US she started to talk to another guy, a neighnor in the apartment we shared together. Just a week or 2 later she told me she was interested in him, that he was more fit than me and more active and asking me to be the same. A whole later we met in Europe for a trip we had been planning for months and she told me she kissed this guy but that she was not in love with him. She admitted it and said she felt very guilty about it and that she loves me but now...still in Europe...ahe tries to play it off as nothing when I feel weird about it. I have never cheated on her or kisses another girl. Am I right to still trust her? I am afraid when ahe goes back home without me she will ry to talk to him again even though she told me she wouldnt.

[basilandthyme]

Given the fact that the two of you appear to spend very little time together, it's not at all surprising that this has happened. And the problems probably will continue to resurface for as long as you're living apart.

It's time to make this a proper marriage where you live together.

[Wakeup]

I agree.

May I ask: Why are you living separately and... surely the two of you don't expect the other to remain celibate when you are apart more then you are together?

Maybe you should consider an open marriage until you can be as a married couple should be ~ which is a couple not living separately.

Oh... and unfortunately There is a good chance that you should be worried that she will talk to him again even though she said she wouldn't. If they've kissed then they've formed a bond which an absent partner can't fulfil.

So, when will you have a chance to actually live as husband and wife?

[fearoflove]

Kissing another guy is cheating. Is cheating supposed to be allowed now just because two people live apart? Long distance relationship can cause discontent but it doesn't permit cheating. I say, considering she isn't really committed and is interested in another man, you should file a divorce.

[Wakeup]

Kissing another guy is cheating. Is cheating supposed to be allowed now just because two people live apart?

Why must a marriage license commit someone to celibacy? What is the point of the marriage if you are not living as a married couple? If it's only temporary long distance with a set expiry date then I can see your point but if this is a long term separate living situation then what is the point of the marriage? Both of them would be better off divorced so that they could do other people without feeling they've been cheated on and without the need to remain celibate.

Long distance relationship can cause discontent but it doesn't permit cheating.

Why would anyone marry someone that they are not able to live with and then expect each other to remain celibate? What is the point of the marriage?

I say, considering she isn't really committed and is interested in another man, you should file a divorce.

Or open up your marriage and you too can do a neighbour and when you are no longer living separately, you won't need your relationship to be open and you can close it up again, then.

Again: OP: Why are you living separately and how often do you get to see one another?

Op's not been back anyway so who G.A.F?

[fearoflove]

Why must a marriage license commit someone to celibacy? What is the point of the marriage if you are not living as a married couple? If it's only temporary long distance with a set expiry date then I can see your point but if this is a long term separate living situation then what is the point of the marriage? Both of them would be better off divorced so that they could do other people without feeling they've been cheated on and without the need to remain celibate.

Why would anyone marry someone that they are not able to live with and then expect each other to remain celibate? What is the point of the marriage?

Or open up your marriage and you too can do a neighbour and when you are no longer living separately, you won't need your relationship to be open and you can close it up again, then.

Again: OP: Why are you living separately and how often do you get to see one another?

Op's not been back anyway so who G.A.F?

You are making a lot of unfounded assumptions about my post. I am also wondering what the OP is doing getting married to someone who he won't be living with.

One of the key principles of marriage is monogamy. Being married yet being "open" and banging other people is contradictory to me.

[Wakeup]

There are NO assumptions about your post.

So, whats your point? It's contradictory to me too but there is no point in being married if you don't live together. Or, if you live separately are too far away so that you can't continue to nurture the relationship with frequent and consistent visitation.

I wouldn't give up my monogamous nature, I'd still only be fvcking one guy if my husband lived thousands of miles away.. It just wouldn't be him.

I wouldn't expect him to remain celibate either if he wasn't able to visit frequently and consistently enough to continue to nurture the relationship.

Still waiting to see why Op doesn't live with his wife and just how often he gets to visit her.

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[fearoflove]

There are NO assumptions about your post.

So, whats your point? It's contradictory to me too but there is no point in being married if you don't live together. Or, if you live separately are too far away so that you can't continue to nurture the relationship with frequent and consistent visitation.

I wouldn't give up my monogamous nature, I'd still only be fvcking one guy if my husband lived thousands of miles away.. It just wouldn't be him.

I wouldn't expect him to remain celibate either if he wasn't able to visit frequently and consistently enough to continue to nurture the relationship.

Still waiting to see why Op doesn't live with his wife and just how often he gets to visit her.

So, would it be right if a wife of a soldier to cheat while he is on a mission? Discontent doesn't JUSTIFY cheating. When two people get married, the promise is to be monogamous. She has broken that promise. If she isn't happy about it, she should try to resolve the distance issue with him or the worse she should have done is to file a divorce. Not by cheating.

I disagree with you that cheating is an inevitable action in this situation. People are capable of reason and self-control. We are not a pack of monkeys.

Op, your wife is not trustworthy. If she is capable of doing like this, how can you trust her moving forward?

[Wakeup]

So, would it be right if a wife of a soldier to cheat while he is on a mission?

Cheat? No! Discuss together and agree to be open.... Yes.

Discontent doesn't JUSTIFY cheating.

Never said it did. You are talking "cheating" and I'm am talking "mutually agreeing to be open while not together for a long length of time.

When two people get married, the promise is to be monogamous.

That depends on what they have agreed to in vows. Just because YOU have promised to be monogamous in vows, it doesn't mean that the two involved can't change the contract if both are mutually agreeable to it.

She has broken that promise. If she isn't happy about it, she should try to resolve the distance issue with him or the worse she should have done is to file a divorce. Not by cheating.

No one is arguing that so why are you on about it?

I disagree with you that cheating is an inevitable action in this situation. People are capable of reason and self-control. We are not a pack of monkeys.

Why are you being purposefully obtuse? Cheating is not acceptable... opening up one's marriage is okay if both involved agree to it. I'm suggesting why he would expect either of them to adhere to vows when they are not even living as husband and wife? Stop putting words in my mouth if you want to debate... Otherwise, you're using strawman arguments to make your point (which of course, makes your point not valid)

Op, your wife is not trustworthy. If she is capable of doing like this, how can you trust her moving forward?

OP: Your wife may not be trustworthy but your marriage is not a conventional one wherein husband and wife live together so perhaps you'd do well to either move back together and failing that, think seriously about why you expect monogamy which is actually going to be celibacy if you don't see her for months at a time. How celibate have YOU been while you've been living separately?

[Catchment22]

Wow I have been overwhelmed by the replies thank you. To answer the questions we have spent very little time apart since being married. Got married in jan 2014 and started living together july 2014. I had to move to another country for work in Aug 2015 with the understanding that she would join me early november 2015. That is still the plan and we even spent 2 weeks in europe during that time apart.

The talking to and kissing this guy happened just a week after I left in August. I understand being apart is hard to remain faithful but surely we should be able to be loyal just for a couple months?

And I have been perfectly loyal in these couple of weeks. The thing that makes me most uneasy is I suspected this guy was in to her and then she suddenly seemed very happy, even though when I first left she seemed sad. Ugh. The more I lay this out the more it seems like I do not really need a second opinion. But I really want to trust her and move on from this

[Wakeup]

Well, then I agree with you that if its only for a few months then she should be able to refrain from getting the attention of another man.

You know her better then we do and after talking to her and letting her know that her behaviour is not something that you will tolerate again, hopefully she'll not see the need to be an attention whore while you're apart.

Good luck... I hope she's not showing you who she really is.