Emotional Cheating?

[treehugger101]

It's been 9 months now that I have been with my Boyfriend and 4 years since my ex-Boyfriend and I of 3 years and engaged were together. But my current Boyfriend thinks that since I still have photos of my ex and I (Disneyland that I don't want to get rid of because it's Disneyland) he thinks me still having those photos, is emotional cheating on his end. He also thinks that there is part of me that still has feelings for my ex and I should let him go. I should also block my ex on all accounts social media because he knows I will contact him or view his profiles etc. To me, I am over my ex-Boyfriend, I have been, I am focusing on my current Boyfriend, but he keeps insisting on me still longing for my ex-Boyfriend etc. I don't know what to do to get him to believe me, I want him not my ex. What should I do?

[basilandthyme]

You've said in previous posts that you'll do whatever it takes to make your boyfriend happy...and that your own happiness isn't as important. He's told you how to make him happy in this instance - so go do it.

Given your stance on his happiness, I don't even know why you're asking this question.

[treehugger101]

You've said in previous posts that you'll do whatever it takes to make your boyfriend happy...and that your own happiness isn't as important. He's told you how to make him happy in this instance - so go do it.

Given your stance on his happiness, I don't even know why you're asking this question.

Well how to make him happy always changes. So I don't know what to do now.

[basilandthyme]

You keep changing with his desires

[topazlight]

He has no right to tell you to get rid of photos or anything from before he even knew you. He has to work on his own insecurity issues, as do you in regards to your other threads.

[TheEvilJester]

This is a bit of an iffy topic if you ask me. On the one hand, yeah, he doesn't really have any right to be telling you to get rid of photos you have that were from before you two were together. On the other hand, can't you understand why he'd be uncomfortable with the fact that you save pictures of your ex? Maybe to you they are pictures that just HAPPEN to also have your ex in them. In other words, maybe you look at them as pictures of your trip to Disney.... that you happened to take with an ex. He looks at it, though, and sees it as a picture of you and your ex.

Kind of put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you'd feel looking at pictures of him and his ex from a time when they were happy and in love. Are they pictures you have displayed somewhere? If so, I'd say maybe just take them down and store them away somewhere. I can definitely understand how he feels, but I don't necessarily think he should be making you get rid of the pictures.

Though, by the same token I sort of don't see why you want to keep them anyway. Heck, I had pictures of my ex and I at Disney. I've moved on and no longer have any residual feelings. To me, those pictures ARE just pictures of Disney that just happen to have my ex in them..... but I still got rid of any that included her. As far as I am concerned, she is part of my past. She deserves no part in my present or future. So, I'd rather be rid of the pictures. They cause me absolutely no pain, so it isn't like I feel that I CAN'T look at them, I just personally have no interest.

I also do think that you probably should remove your ex from any social media you may have. After all, why would you not? Our exes are our exes for a reason. Why would you really even want him still on your social media? Why would you want any kind of regular contact with him?

Even if your current boyfriend knows he can trust you, it still doesn't change the fact that a lot of people would be uncomfortable with that. It's almost like an instinct sort of thing that we can't turn off no matter how silly we know it may be.

Bottom line here, I don't think this is a situation where either of you are right or wrong. It is understandable why he feels the way he does about it. At the same time, if you want to keep the pictures, and want to still at least be friendly with your ex, that is your decision. It isn't wrong of him to ask you to get rid of the pictures, delete him from social media, etc, but it would be wrong of him to FORCE you to if you do not want to do that.

By the same token, though, if he's not okay with that, it would be wrong of you to expect him to just get over it. So, you'll have to decide if you can part with your past, or if you still wish to hold onto these things. If you wish to still keep them, then just be honest with him and allow him to make his own decision as to whether he can be okay with that.

Good luck to you.

[SadLove1980]

I can understand how he feels. If my boyfriend had photos and mementos of his ex all over the place, I'd NEVER approve and think that he didn't get over her.
Your ex is someone in your PAST, someone who is part of your HISTORY. I think, in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to close that chapter of your life and adhere to what your current boyfriend wants. You don't have to get rid of photos etc., but put them away somewhere or lock them up in a keepsafe box where he can't see them.
If you are serious about this current man, show him through your actions. Holding on too tightly to anything having to do with your ex DOES indicate that you're not over him and that you're holding onto any leftovers that represent a chance you will have some future with him. I can guarantee you, if you planned on getting married and having children with any man, you will have to leave your ex and that life/history behind.
In all honesty, I don't think you've met the right man yet -- once you do, you won't WANT to have your ex dangling somewhere in the background. Believe me, once the right man is in your life you won't want to look at your ex and you'll know you moved on with your life 100%

Source: Got rid of ALL photos of my exes and it feels great because I'm now free to love and give attention to a potential partner 100% without them questioning my emotional state of mind.

[Wakeup]

He has no right to tell you to get rid of photos or anything from before he even knew you. He has to work on his own insecurity issues, as do you in regards to your other threads.

On the contrary. He has every right to tell her to get rid of the photos or anything from before he knew her. She has every right to tell him "No."

In between those two "rights" is a compromise wherein neither's "rights" are 100% honoured but they are satisfied with the concession each has conceded.

A compromise in this instance would be her keeping the photos as memory keep-sakes but putting them away in a box in her closet where he won't be subjected to her obvious happiness while with another man.

[basilandthyme]

Geezus - I can't believe so many of you chuck out your old photos! Mine may be boxed and away, but I'd never part with them. And bits of paper in a box don't reflect my ability to love my hubby.

[basilandthyme]

Taking it further, I think that a partner who has issues with old photos being kept probably has larger issues. If they are challenged by photos, then it makes sense that they'd also be challenged by knowing that you had past loves. If they can't cope with photos, how would they cope if you went to a town that you visited with an ex? Or heaven forbid, the same restaurant you went to with an ex?

Ain't nobody got time for dat

[Wakeup]

I think she's insensitive (stupid?) enough to actually be displaying the photo's of the two of them. That, to me would be a bit too much. Keep them, well of course but to have them hanging on the wall or on her night table? ... Not so much.

[treehugger101]

I DO NOT have those photos of my ex and me displayed in plain sight. They are in a photo album I have on my bookshelf which I hardly ever open. And I have taken my current Boyfriend to previous places my ex and I have visted and he doesn't care about that. My Boyfriend feels I still have feelings for my ex, even though my ex HAS MOVED ON I.E. MARRIED, KIDS, etc. He thinks I am going to want to get back with my ex when I DO NOT. I do not care or love my ex period. I want to focus on my Boyfriend NOW but he always throws the past in my face.

[basilandthyme]

So dump him. That's what I'd do if a boyfriend behaved like that to me.

[TheEvilJester]

Geezus - I can't believe so many of you chuck out your old photos! Mine may be boxed and away, but I'd never part with them. And bits of paper in a box don't reflect my ability to love my hubby.

Yeah, to each his/her own. To me, I just honest to God couldn't see any reason whatsoever to want to keep them. I got to a point where I could look at pictures of her, or of her and I and it does not cause me the least bit of pain or hurt feelings and sure as HELL doesn't bring up old feelings I used to have for her......

But I just see no reason why she should have ANY place in my present and future, even just in picture form. Honestly, for me it was almost like an empowerment sort of thing. I finally realized I deserved better, so why bother to retain memories of a time when I had still failed to realize that, and was sure that unhappiness was just my lot in life?

Of course, that isn't to say I think that is the answer for everybody. Some people, in time, may want to retain memories even of old relationships because there were still good memories even if it didn't end as you'd hoped at the time. That is certainly up to the individual.

I DO NOT have those photos of my ex and me displayed in plain sight. They are in a photo album I have on my bookshelf which I hardly ever open. And I have taken my current Boyfriend to previous places my ex and I have visted and he doesn't care about that. My Boyfriend feels I still have feelings for my ex, even though my ex HAS MOVED ON I.E. MARRIED, KIDS, etc. He thinks I am going to want to get back with my ex when I DO NOT. I do not care or love my ex period. I want to focus on my Boyfriend NOW but he always throws the past in my face.

If you think about it, having them in a photo album is kind of still displaying them, but I definitely get what you mean that it is not the same thing as having them framed on the wall or your nightstand. Maybe could you store that particular album away in a drawer or the attic or something? Though, to be honest, I do think that is being a little silly and petty at that point (on his part, I mean).

If he is constantly throwing your past in your face, though, then that may be a good reason to start to re-evaluate whether you should be focusing on this fella at all. Unless he has some reason not to trust you, he shouldn't be holding your past against you. The past is the past. How is it fair for him to have problems with things you did before you even knew him? Hell, how would he even expect you to fix that? Hop in the Delorean with Doc Brown and Marty and change the past? Great Scott!

[Wakeup]

I DO NOT have those photos of my ex and me displayed in plain sight. They are in a photo album I have on my bookshelf which I hardly ever open. And I have taken my current Boyfriend to previous places my ex and I have visted and he doesn't care about that. My Boyfriend feels I still have feelings for my ex, even though my ex HAS MOVED ON I.E. MARRIED, KIDS, etc. He thinks I am going to want to get back with my ex when I DO NOT. I do not care or love my ex period. I want to focus on my Boyfriend NOW but he always throws the past in my face.

Its almost funny how you add details as the thread goes on.

Anyway, if you weren't mentally handicapped you would have left him by now. Tell us, does your family approve of him and that is why you continue to stay with him? Or is it because you believe what you have with him is love so you put up with his petty bullshit?