Ex Always Asks To Have Dinner :(

[SadLove1980]

I've stayed friends with an ex of mine from 4 years ago. He truly is a great person - he literally saved me from Hurricane Sandy and I lived with him for 2 months while my home was being rebuilt. He shut down on me when I moved back home after the storm, so we wound up breaking up and I've NEVER felt the same for him ever since he stopped helping me rebuild my life.

We text from time to time, casually as friends (we made up a year after Hurricane Sandy when he apologized for shutting down on me) but he always winds up asking me to get together with him.
I've already told him I forgive him for what he did 3 years ago and no hard feelings, but I KNOW he's in love with me and he'll ultimately turn the conversation to us getting together. I no longer am in love with him and it's been WAY too long for us to reconnect on ANY level - also, he's in his mid 50s and at this point in my life I now want a man closer to my age who I can start a family with, which he can't offer.

How can I tell him to stop making plans with me. I really don't hate him and don't mind a chat now and then, but I don't like when he takes the conversation to a level where he invites me to dinner etc. Should I just tell him flat out, please stop inviting me out? Since he's always been there for me, and said if I ever need him I can count on him again, I don't want to be mean --- but I don't want to go out for dinner with him and he gets the wrong idea that we're going to get back together.

Any diplomatic way to keep turning him down without being mean?

[TheEvilJester]

If you haven't done this already, then I would just say you have a more serious conversation with him about it. I can imagine you've probably just sort of said "thank you, but no thank you." I'm sure you've maybe even passingly kind of said and/or implied to him that you were NOT interested in getting back together. He's not taking the hint, though. It is possible he thinks it could still work if you just give him the chance.

So, if you haven't already done this, I say it is time to just be a little more firm. Firm but still friendly. In other words, unless you've already tried and he is still refusing to take the hint, I wouldn't necessarily say you be nasty yet. In other words, no need to yell at him or say anything like "Look! Knock it the Hell off! I said I am not interested, so leave me alone!" A lot of times, it is hammered into guys' heads that you should be persistent with women. It is almost like it is ingrained in them that no from a woman doesn't always mean no, it sometimes means keep asking and maybe it will become a yes. Like we guys are told not to give up. Maybe it is stupid, but some guys really believe in it, and believe persistence will win the day. Heck, it's probably worked for them. I would more so suggest a firmer, but still gentle approach. Put this in your own words, obviously, but here are my thoughts on what I might say in your situation...

"Look, I really appreciate the time we shared before. You were there for me at a time when I really needed it, and I will never forget that. I wouldn't, for a second, change the good times we had together. The thing is, I've moved on with my life, and I just don't feel the same way anymore. I do not have any hard feelings, honestly. I'd love to be friends, I just don't see it being anything more. I really would like us to still be friends, but I will understand if you can't do that. But, I am not interested in anything more than a friendship. If you can't do that, then it may be best we just go our separate ways. I hope we don't have to do that, but I don't want to have to keep hurting your feelings. If we remain friends it would be best if you can keep it at that as well."

Just talk to him with no anger. Be very compassionate, but at the same time firm. He needs to understand that you do not feel the same way anymore, and that isn't going to change. Then, it is up to him to decide if he can remain friends, or if it would be best to just say goodbye.

On the other hand, if you really HAVE had a talk like that with him, it may be time just to be more firm and tell him to knock it the heck off.... or even maybe to just stop being his friend. Good luck to you.

[dontaskme]

Don't be naive, you can't be "just" friends with someone who's got feelings for you. Cut him off totally. He's your ex-boyfriend, you're not oblige to explain anything to him... unless you are the one who is keeping your options open and that is why you are stringing him along?