What does it mean...

[LovelyD562]

I was once friends with benefits with one of my friends. But before we came to that we did date but only for a short time. He told me he couldn't date me because I was like a sister to him. Which I thought was weird but I accepted it.

A month passed and that's when we started talking about being fwb, I agreed and the fun began.

It lasted pretty much all the way through high school and we even did stuff while either one or both of us were on relationships. Yes I know I'm not proud of it either. But something about him....just made me weak. But each time he got a girlfriend I would get so jealous, but I knew in the back of my mind he would come to me sooner or later. Yes I know....I'm awful. I should of stopped him because he was with someone. But I didn't want to, I enjoyed it.

But here's the kicker....we never had sex..... WHAAAATTT??? *in minion's voice* Yes I know we never had sex. And trust me I wanted to soooo badly but I just couldn't bring myself to it.

So one day while I'm watching tv with my now current fiancee he texts me out the blue. We haven't talked in a couple of days but I was happy. And asked the same question all of you want to know. "Why didn't we have sex all those times?" My heart literally dropped. I mean yes he's asked me this question a million of times but what made my heart drop is because I was thinking the same thing.

This guy literally knew ever single hot spot on my body and every single way to make me horny so why didn't I have sex with him? And it's because I was insecure. How can someone that hot and attractive want me sexually? (I'm a plus size person by the way). So I decided not to even though I wanted to so badly.

So I started explaining it to him but wasn't able to finish because we were called into the front room to watch a movie, Big Hero 6. So during the movie he goes into the room to plug up his phone and notices I have a text from him. Yeah....things are about to go south. He reads them....and he calls me into the room. You can probably figure out everything else.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. We haven't talked in months and I really want to. I need to get this off my chest but I can't because I'll be going against my fiancee. I've been having dreams about him lately and we're together...

Why am I having these dreams and what should I do?

[TheEvilJester]

If you ask me, it sounds like you know in your heart what you need to do, but you just aren't willing to do it. I'm not meaning to judge. I understand sometimes the heart wants things we intellectually know we shouldn't want. You can't necessarily help that. The thing is, though, you yourself admit what you and he did in the past was wrong. You both cheated on your actual boyfriends/girlfriends with each other many, many times. By the way, no, cheating is not only when sex is involved.

Yet, here you are now apparently in love enough with a new guy to actually be engaged..... and yet you apparently have not learned from past mistakes. I don't think any of us can necessarily tell you what to do because that answer is going to have to come from you. You need to do some serious soul searching. You are very much in danger of ruining your relationship with your fiance. You need to do some serious thinking to determine if you truly want to be with your fiance. If you DO, then you need to leave this other fella in your past and never look back. It is very doubtful your fiance is going to be okay with you having a friend with benefits on the side. Not unless he's into that (and, Hell, some people are).

If you are still having feelings for your former FWB, maybe that is a sign that you don't really want to be with your fiance. Honestly, it may not be that at all. Sometimes old feelings just come up. But, it is also possible that part of you, deep down, realizes you don't want to be with your fiance, so you are subconsciously acting out. I don't know if that is the case or not because I am not you, nor am I a voice in your head. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your fiance to figure that out.

Just as anybody would, he deserves somebody who considers him their one and only, not somebody he can't trust not to have a fling with her FWB. Now, if you do decide that it is best to leave your fiance, I've got to be honest..... I don't really think you should go back to your FWB. What is the point? He has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you as boyfriend and girlfriend, but just wants a friends with benefits type situation. You're never going to have any kind of real relationship with that in your life, because no boyfriend is going to put up with that, and you'll never have anything more serious with him. So, the decision is really up to you. Put some thought into what you really want. Good luck to you.

On a side note..... He thinks of you like a sister..... yet he wants to sleep with you? Doesn't that strike you as a little bit strange, or is that just me?

[LovelyD562]

It's not necessarily that I want to go back to him. Because I finally came to terms thar he doesn't want relationship with me. And trust me the whole "you're a sister to me but I want to have sex with you" throws me off completely. I guess it's just that I want to have a full deep conversation with him. Like why do you want to have sex with me so badly but you don't want a relationship with me? Clearly we've passed the whole brother and sister thing years ago.

I love my fiance and this would never be the reason why I would leave him. Honestly our relationship wasn't perfect and still isn't perfect but that's a whole different post.

Now I know some people are going to say that I don't need to talk to him but I think I do. And like I said before we even became friends with benefits he was my best friend. I was able to go to him about everything and talk to him about everything. I guess that's what I miss the most, just having him to talk to.

[Wakeup]

Does he fvck his sister? Wowzer!

Ha, you're putting far too much emphasis on the "I was like a sister to him" aspect. It's just that he has no romantic feelings for you. Most guys will screw a willing partner if she's half decent looking and willing to accommodate.... Hell even if she's only a quarter half decent looking but is up on her hygiene he'll have her sexually... Doesn't mean they'd want to be in a romantic relationship with them though.

You say you never had sex but did you blow him or give him hand jobs? Did he give you face or hand jobs? That's sexual action and you say you were FWBenefits so I'll assume the answer to that is yes. A means to an orgasm is still sex... it's just not intercourse so why are you wondering about intercourse and why he wondered why you never had it?

You have self-esteem issues and you're addicted to him. You owe it to your fiancé to cut it the fvck out with this guy and go cold turkey withdrawl from your addiction to him. If you can't do the mental work you need to do to stop being foolish and obsessive then break up with your fiancé and leave him to find someone who isn't foolish and obsessive over someone who didn't even like them enough to date or be seen with in a romantic way with but he'd let her blow him. Jeezus... love yourself more then you are.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: Just because he asked why you guys never had intercourse, it doesn't mean he wanted to "so badly." It just means he was curious why you wouldn't let him in you.

[dontaskme]

And trust me the whole "you're a sister to me but I want to have sex with you" throws me off completely. I guess it's just that I want to have a full deep conversation with him. Like why do you want to have sex with me so badly but you don't want a relationship with me? Clearly we've passed the whole brother and sister thing years ago.

You're good enough to have sex with but not good enough to have a relationship with. I know of some guys who would fukc anyone or anything with a skirt.

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[TheEvilJester]

Don't get me wrong. I can definitely understand how you feel about wishing you could still have the friendship relationship with him without all the complications. It's just, it can be nearly impossible to put that genie back in the bottle once you've already rubbed the lamp and popped that cork..... You know.... didn't mean that to sound like innuendo at first, but hey... LOL!

Now, you mention that you two never had actual sex, but you said you were "friends with benefits." What exactly were the benefits? You don't have to answer that if you don't want, but I am just trying to understand. The thing is, it can just be really hard to go from a relationship like that back to just being strictly friends. The fact that he still talks about it (asking you why you two never had sex) is further proof of that fact, in my opinion.

Believe me, I understand why you wish it could go back to when he was just your best friend. It does stink to have to lose that. Hindsight is always 20/20, so it is too late now, but hopefully you can learn from this for later. If you are such close friends with somebody, it really isn't worth it to complicate it by becoming "friends with benefits" or the friendship is almost doomed not to survive. It would be one thing if you made a serious effort to be an actual couple. Sometimes the best of friends make the best couples. This, right off the bat, was apparently never intended as anything more than friends with benefits, so it probably would have been better just to remain friends.

What is it you hope to gain by talking to him about all this? Do you hope to go back to you two being good friends, and nothing more? Do you hope to possibly pursue more with him? Again, I mean no judgment, I am just trying to offer my honest, heart-felt advice.... and I just don't see any beneficial reason to remain friends with this guy. It is unlikely you will be able to remain just friends because of your past. However, you are engaged to another man, so you certainly shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with somebody else if that is your intention. I don't get the impression that it is, but just offering my thoughts just in case.

So, bottom line, it really is best just to leave him in the past and move on. I'm not saying you be rude, or tell him to take a hike or anything. Not unless it has to come to that. I'm just saying it is okay to be friendly, but I wouldn't actively be friends with him. It is unlikely that your current fella, or any other fella, really, would be okay with that. Again, though, this will have to be your decision. You have to do what you feel is right and best for you. Just be sure you consider everything at hand before you make a decision, and be prepared for the possible outcome of whichever decision you do make.

Good luck to you, sincerely.