Should I have helped?

[kleaners]

My wife is in her second year as a teacher and last night she plopped down a stack of papers and told me I'm going to help her grade papers. I said, "No I'm not. That's not my job." An argument ensued. She said her friends have helped her in the past (so I guess I'm supposed to feel obligated to help her?). I wrongly threw some curses in her direction.

I work two jobs myself. I get up at 1:45 every morning to deliver papers, then go back to bed for another two and a half hours before I have to get up for my regular job as a journalist. I get about six hours of broken sleep every night, so I'm pretty exhausted at the end of the day and all I want to do is relax for a few hours before bed.

I understand the life of a teacher is grueling in itself. My wife is up at 5 every morning, has to drive over an hour to work, and maybe 90 minutes home depending on traffic. She doesn't walk in the door most days until 6 p.m. Sometimes she brings papers home to grade after we finish dinner. I get that she's tired too, but does that give her the right to expect me to help her do her job? She doesn't write articles for me, and other than maybe two times while we were dating, she's never offered to help me deliver papers or at least keep me company in the car.

So what say you? Was I right to refuse to help her, or was I wrong not to help just because she's my wife? Thank you in advance.

[basilandthyme]

As a parent, I expect my kids papers to be graded by their teacher.

That being said, it sounds like the two of you are exhausted. Can you both look at some lifestyle changes before you and your marriage burns out?

[Wakeup]

I agree with Basil. Why must you deliver papers when you both have good primary jobs or is your "primary" job actually delivery papers?

I'll add: What does you being "right" or "wrong" in not doing her job have to do with anything? Will you being "right" make her less resentful of you for not helping her?

[basilandthyme]

Wakeup has a point about the 'right' or 'wrong' thing. When we have a disagreement with a partner, the goal is to find a cause/solution. It's not about winning or losing the argument.

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[kleaners]

Basil - we are working on that. This is the first time in a number of years when my wife has actually been home evenings and weekends. Prior to this school year she was working two jobs and getting home late.


Wakeup - We live in New York and I have a mortgage on a condo that's higher than the place is worth. My one job isn't enough to pay bills and living expenses. A second job is necessary. My wife has tens of thousands of dollars in student loans. Neither of us is rolling in the dough.
I'm not looking to be right or wrong, per say, but perhaps was I justified in my response?

[basilandthyme]

I think that her demand and your response had it's basis in exhaustion. Both of you are exhausted and probably being over demanding and over reacting. Instead of looking for justification, let it go. Forgive each other and recognise the toll exhaustion is taking on both of your reactions.

Have you sought financial advice on the best way to manage your debts? Perhaps consolidating loans, getting a boarder or even looking at bankruptcy?

[kleaners]

Basil - Thanks for the suggestions. I've got a pretty good handle on my mortgage. I'm able to make additional principal payments on the mortgage and my car should be paid off next year, two years ahead of schedule. Now that my wife actually has a steady paycheck we can start making a dent in the student loans.