Am I overreacting? I need advice!

[blurrymazes]

I am 24, and my boyfriend is the same age as me. We have been together for about 8 months, and he told me about three weeks ago that he loves me. This is the first time that he’s ever said this to any girl, according to him.

He’s a very laid-back guy. He is self-made and independent. He loves to travel, and basically he’s just a care-free person.
I, on the other hand, had general anxiety disorder on the past but I am not diagnosed anymore. I overcame it, and haven’t had any panic attacks in the last two years. However, I still tend to overthink quite a bit and I am very critical of myself sometimes. A bit of a perfectionist, you might say. But since I have talked this through with therapists, I know this about myself. So I always try to take a step back and sometimes I don’t say anything in fear that I might be being irrational. And that is why I need some advice.

Last night, I was talking on the phone with my boyfriend and he very casually mentioned that one of his friends (an attractive single female) asked him to go on a holiday with her and her best friend and the best friend’s husband (they’re newlyweds). Then he just said that he thought about it, but that it wouldn’t work with his schedule or the dates of the other trip he’s already got planned (with another friend).

Now, this really bothered me so I asked him “Do you think it’s appropriate to on a holiday with her and another couple? I find it a bit weird. Isn’t that what couples do?”
To which he responded he’s not going, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
This made me more upset. I told him that I would be uncomfortable if he went on a holiday with a girl and another couple. And he told me that I was being “sensitive” and he didn’t get what the “big deal” was.

Now, let me mention that I have never met this girl and only seen her pictures through facebook. He’s told me that she’s only single because her standards of men are way too high. That is all I know about her. The fact that I haven’t met her adds to my discomfort with this situation.
In fact, I have never met any of his friends. He doesn’t invite me to any of his trips or dinners or anything. I haven’t met his family because they live overseas. So this also concerns me about how much he wants to include me into his life.

I have never been annoyed with him going on the many trips he’s taken with his friends. I let him do what he likes, and I also understand that he compartmentalizes his life. He keeps his friends, family, and apparently his girlfriend separate. This hasn’t really bothered me until now.

I would like to think that since we are serious, he would integrate me into his life more. That he would consider me as part of his decision-making process. I am concerned with the reasons he gave me for not going. None of them had to do with me. It’s fine if he doesn’t invite me along… maybe he would think that since she invited him with her friends, that it would be inappropriate.. But, then isn’t he considering her feelings over mine? Forget inviting me. Shouldn’t he at least talk to me about while he’s thinking about it rather than afterwards? Like couldn’t he ask me or just mention if I would be comfortable with this?

I need some opinions here. Am I being irrational? And what should I make of this situation?

[solarion]

No you're not being irrational. He's not acting appropriately given your description of events.

As to what you should make of the situation, I suspect that you and your boyfriend have dramatically different ideas about what constitutes appropriate relationship boundaries. After 8 months of being together it is something that should be hashed out.

[Wakeup]

Your concerns are quite valid and I'm glad that you're seeing them for the red flag that they are. At the 8 month mark he should be at least introducing you to his friends, inviting you on some of these trips and at the very least, be mentioning you to his parents if he's seriously invested in this relationship.

He's done none of those things and I wonder why he thinks telling you that he "loves" you makes it okay to keep you separate from his actual life????

I suspect that you're going to be too nervous (due to fear of losing him) to talk to him about this and ask him why he excludes you from the things he does with his friends but whatever you do, don't just ignore the red flag. You don't want to revert back to being anxiety ridden while you stick it out with him while he excludes you from some very important going-forward-with-the-relationship landmarks.

... and, yes. Going on a holiday with another woman and leaving you behind is inappropriate, disrespectful, nullifies the "significance" of you being his "significant other" and reeks of infidelity either physically and if not that, emotionally. Don't stay in a situation like that if he won't change up the dynamics of his opposite sex friendships when he's in a committed relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely agree with the others. To me, the idea of going on a trip with another woman (sure it is in a group thing, but it is one couple and then a single woman) is not exactly the problem in and of itself. I agree that would be inappropriate, but to me the more telling red flag is the fact that it didn't even occur to him in the slightest that there was anything wrong with it. He didn't even think to discuss the idea with you first. So, no, I don't think you're overreacting.

Now, that said..... It is possible that he just didn't think of it/realize that this would be inappropriate. Personally, I can't see how that would not occur to him, but some people just don't feel the same in situations like that. Maybe in his mind it is 100% innocent. I'm not saying that makes it okay, I'm just saying that I consider this situation a red flag, but not necessarily a make or break situation. For now, just have a calm talk with him about why you feel it isn't appropriate, and what you feel are appropriate boundaries for your relationship. If he's a reasonable guy who literally just didn't see any issue with this, then he could understand your feelings and would want to work with you (within reason, of course) to make you both happy.

If he can't do that, then maybe he isn't the right guy for you. Good luck to you either way.

[blurrymazes]

Okay, so I decided to talk to him about it. I asked him what time would be best, and so we decided on a mutual time later that night (9 pm). I told him that this was important to me as I'd like to discuss some concerns I have about us and our relationship. I asked him to think about what he thinks is a healthy relationship, and what boundaries we should decide on. He informed me that he’s got a lunch and hang-out session planned with one his buddies, but that he should be home by the time we decided on.

So, the day goes by and we don’t text throughout which was fine by me as we were going to discuss important matters later on anyway. Around 8 pm, I decided to take a hot shower to relax myself and jotted some stuff down that I could calmly talk about with him.
These concerns included:
- It’s been 8 months since we’ve met, and I have yet to be introduced to any of his friends (he’s met some of mine)
- Also, there is no evidence of us being together. No pictures of us together or any indication on social media. He’s got tons of pictures with his other friends (who are girls). Now. I don’t put too much importance on social media or trying to show off our love for each other online, but I do find it weird that I am his girlfriend, but most of his pictures are with other girls. This also goes to show that none of friends have seen me or any evidence of us being together.
- Relationship boundaries, e.g., that trip and why it’s weird

So, I logged onto skype at 9. But he wasn't online... I waited for his text.. nothing. So I finally texted him around 9:10 pm asking him to talk.
He texts me back saying he's chilling with his guy friends.
So, I get a little annoyed, and I tell him that he knew we were supposed to talk tonight at 9 pm.
He's like "you are being over sensitive"
I am like "couldn't you at least text me at 9 that you are held up?"
He said "I lost track of time"
Me: "You knew this talk is important for me.. for us. You knew we planned to talk at 9 pm. Yet, you didn't even BOTHER keeping track of the time or letting me know you're going to be late"
I told him " I don't feel like talking to him anymore now"
He says "Good. I don't wanna talk to you when you're being this way"

I was really upset, and I started crying because his lack of consideration for my thoughts and feelings was proven once again. Then at about 10:30 pm, he texted me that he was ready to chat if I had calmed down.
At this point, I felt like I had had enough. So I told him all the concerns that I had, and then I told him that at first I was willing to talk to him about them, but now I am just done. I told him that it was over.

He told me that I was being irrational and over-sensitive over him being late just like 10-15 minutes. He didn’t seem to get that I was upset that he didn’t even bother to check the time! We got into a heated argument, and then it was over. I went to bed crying.

I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday, but then he messaged me last night that he’d realized where he had gone wrong. So, we talked on the phone again.

Like I said before he’s a really laid-back guy, and he’s not good with dealing with emotions. I heard him crying as he was telling me that he can’t believe he messed up so bad, and that he’s been upset and mad at himself for not being able to make me happy when I mean so much to him. He told me that he understood why I thought that trip was weird, and that he should have been more aware of the time.

I asked him why he thought the trip would be okay and why he didn’t consider me, and he came back with the fact that she’s just a friend. Not really explaining to me why the thought of me didn’t occur to him.
When I asked him about the pictures thing, he told me that he doesn’t think pictures are that important and that he just takes pictures of random things when he feels like it.

So I asked him why he never felt that urge around me, and he told me that I am so beautiful that he would feel like he looks like a “bum” being next to me.
When I asked about the meeting his friends issue, he told me it’s because we live in different cities and he just doesn’t think about it. He told me that he didn’t know that was a THING. I moved to a different city a month ago, and we’ve been together for 8 months. When I brought that up, he told me that he wasn’t that serious about me until he told me he loved me 3 weeks ago.
Also, what the heck does he mean when he says he didn’t know that was a thing?? Like, why is it such an alien concept to him? Even my friends’ circle is built upon different friends I have that have met each other at some point and come together.

If he loves me (or so he claims to), then why doesn’t he feel this urge to introduce me to other parts of his life?
He told me that he will try to address these issues and take pictures with me if that’s what I want… but that he needs me to be patient while he works on it. I told him I’ll think about it.

Now, what I want to know is that… is this possible? Is it possible that he’s just this awful with relationships? Or are these just excuses?

[TheEvilJester]

Is it possible he's just a bone-head with relationships? Sure, it is absolutely possible. My question to you, though, is why should you be okay with that anyway? You shouldn't have to walk him through in little baby steps every step of the way what is expected in a relationship. Even if he is being 100% honest and he is sincerely that clueless, then he needs to get with the program and figure it out or he'll never have a happy relationship.

I try not to be cynical...... but to be perfectly honest with you, his "excuses" sound like a lot of bull crap to me. Honestly, I could be wrong.... but that is how it all hits me. For example, I am trying to be a little understanding of how some people are a little clueless with time. There are people who are late for EVERYTHING, and it isn't because they are deliberately rude and inconsiderate, it is because they are actually just that clueless.

So, perhaps this is me overreacting..... but I don't buy his "I lost track of time" excuse for one millisecond. It's not like its just some casual "Hey, how was your day" kind of call you guys always have at 9:00. Then, I could understand losing track of time and forgetting to tell you he'd be late. You SPECIFICALLY asked him to have a very important conversation, so he knew whatever this was, it was very important to you. Even so, it isn't really too big a deal if he was running a little late (A LITTLE LATE) but what is NOT okay in the slightest is that he couldn't even be considerate enough to let you know he was running late. YOU had to reach out to HIM. Granted, you did so after 15 minutes, so it wasn't like it had been an hour, but 15 minutes is long enough when he was well aware this discussion was important that you shouldn't have HAD TO reach out to him to find out where the Hell he was.

And then, suddenly the next day he is oh so sorry, and he suddenly realizes how he was wrong. You know something, if I believed that then I could say that is okay and if he can actually work to do better you forgive him. Again, not being closer to the situation I cannot say for sure.... I could just be a little overly cynical here..... but I don't buy the crocodile tears for a second. It's NOT okay to constantly do wrong, but then think apologizing magically fixes it, and that is sort of the impression I get here.

I'll say it again, please take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I am not you, I am not him, I am not a mind reader, I am not a CIA bug placed on the wall to witness your every interaction..... So, I really cannot know whether there may be details I'm missing that could possibly change my opinion on the matter. However, basing my thoughts on what you have shared so far, I'd be reluctant to even give him the chance to change if I were you. That will ultimately need to be your decision, though. None of us can tell you what to do, we can only offer our thoughts and advice. If you really do think he is sincere in realizing he screwed up and is sincere in wanting to fix it, then give him a chance to prove that sincerity if you wish. True, sometimes people do deserve a chance, especially considering nobody is perfect. We all screw up now and then. At the same time, though, you can't wait around forever hoping for somebody to get it. If he's not sincere, or even if he is but still just cannot seem to get it, it may be in your best interest just to move on.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you find the guy of your dreams (whether that winds up being him or somebody else) and live happily ever after. :-D

[blurrymazes]

I think our talk last night clears things about pretty well. Most of you were right that maybe it’s time to move on.

I didn’t really know what I was going to say or what I had decided. All I thought was that I would hear him out again, and then see if this is something worth working on.

Once we started talking, he told me that he wasn’t sure anymore. He told me that he’s a simple guy who likes to be happy and live a simple life. He basically told me that I have complicated his life, and somehow made me look like the bad guy. I was caught off-guard, and I didn’t know what to say!

He, then, told me that I was never going to be happy with him because this is just how he is. He told me that he doesn’t deserve me, and that I am too good for him.

Me: “How is asking to meet friends and family too much? Also, I am not trying to change you. I just wish you be more considerate of me. You knew that this was an important chat, but you didn’t even bother keeping track of time…”

He just replied with a casual “I don’t know. I need to be by myself right now. I am sorry, but I need space. You have really hurt my feelings, and all this criticism is hard to take in.”

So then, I somehow ended up apologizing to him for “hurting” HIS feelings, and “ruining” HIS life.

Now, I am supposed to wait around for him to message me?

He just completely turned the tables around. Fine, it’s okay if he wants to be in control of the break-up… but he could have at least just broken up with me! Instead, he took the cowardly way out by asking for a break. So now, I am going to be anxious because this decision is not definite.

I am starting to think he’s playing mind games with me, and he’s really enjoying this. I can’t believe I let him toy with my emotions like this…

[smarta$$]

I do not think you should humor him anymore. He sounds like he has been playing you.

[dontaskme]

Your boyfriend is a manipulative dickhead. Somehow, he managed to play the victim here so you will feel guilty and end up being at fault for the break up. Don't fall for it and instead of his offer taking a break, make the counter offer of breaking up for good, that way, you will have your closure and move on with your life with no hesitation. He's a jackass really and not worth the anxiety.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah.... So I'm still not going to say anything is 100% certain, because again, I can't know that....

But....


Yeah.

The new details you shared have NOT helped this guy's image in my mind one teeny tiny little iota. Even more so, he sounds like a jack@$$. I'm not going to say he is. How would I know? But he sure as Hell sounds like one.

He claims you complicate his life, and he's just a simple guy. Okay. Fine. HOW THE HELL do you complicate his life? You actually confront him with pretty much that question, and instead of giving you an honest answer, he skirts the issue like a little wuss. Why? Probably because he is utterly full of crap. Good lord, this loser should run for office! He sounds like he'd make a great politician.

You make a damn good point. How exactly is it so complicated that a girlfriend actually wants to meet her boyfriend's friends and family? "Dude, I have this new girl and things were going so great, but now she actually wants to share my life with me!" "Oh man! Bummer! What a psycho!" LOL! God, he should be excited to bring you into the rest of his life. He should want to show you off to his friends and family.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you don't need this and you don't deserve this. You deserve better than this guy. I can't really tell you what to do because it will need to be your own decision.... But I can tell you that my personal advice is to just break up with him (full on break up, not just "taking a break") and do NOT look back.

I tell ya what.... He can twist and turn things all he wants to make it seem like he's Mr. Perfect and that you are completely at fault for things not working out. If he wants to do that, let him be a conceited jack@$$ too full of himself to admit his own faults. He'll keep making the same mistakes in other relationships until he finally realizes the problem has been him all along..... if he even ever does. That shouldn't be your problem anymore.

You know the truth. You know that you tried. You know that he didn't. You know that you deserve better. I know in times like this, it is hard not to be down on ourselves, so let me be at least one of what I hope will be many voices telling you this.... You deserve to be happy. You deserve a good guy. Maybe you aren't feeling it now, but you need to remind yourself that you are awesome! That's the way you need to feel. Any guy would be lucky to have you. If this chump can't see that, then that is his loss. Some other guy will. That guy... He WILL find you, but he certainly won't while you allow yourself to be stuck with somebody who doesn't deserve you, and perhaps never even did.

Good luck to you. I hope you find "that guy" very soon. It certainly doesn't sound like it is your current fella.

[blurrymazes]

Yeah.... So I'm still not going to say anything is 100% certain, because again, I can't know that....

But....


Yeah.

The new details you shared have NOT helped this guy's image in my mind one teeny tiny little iota. Even more so, he sounds like a jack@$$. I'm not going to say he is. How would I know? But he sure as Hell sounds like one.

He claims you complicate his life, and he's just a simple guy. Okay. Fine. HOW THE HELL do you complicate his life? You actually confront him with pretty much that question, and instead of giving you an honest answer, he skirts the issue like a little wuss. Why? Probably because he is utterly full of crap. Good lord, this loser should run for office! He sounds like he'd make a great politician.

You make a damn good point. How exactly is it so complicated that a girlfriend actually wants to meet her boyfriend's friends and family? "Dude, I have this new girl and things were going so great, but now she actually wants to share my life with me!" "Oh man! Bummer! What a psycho!" LOL! God, he should be excited to bring you into the rest of his life. He should want to show you off to his friends and family.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you don't need this and you don't deserve this. You deserve better than this guy. I can't really tell you what to do because it will need to be your own decision.... But I can tell you that my personal advice is to just break up with him (full on break up, not just "taking a break") and do NOT look back.

I tell ya what.... He can twist and turn things all he wants to make it seem like he's Mr. Perfect and that you are completely at fault for things not working out. If he wants to do that, let him be a conceited jack@$$ too full of himself to admit his own faults. He'll keep making the same mistakes in other relationships until he finally realizes the problem has been him all along..... if he even ever does. That shouldn't be your problem anymore.

You know the truth. You know that you tried. You know that he didn't. You know that you deserve better. I know in times like this, it is hard not to be down on ourselves, so let me be at least one of what I hope will be many voices telling you this.... You deserve to be happy. You deserve a good guy. Maybe you aren't feeling it now, but you need to remind yourself that you are awesome! That's the way you need to feel. Any guy would be lucky to have you. If this chump can't see that, then that is his loss. Some other guy will. That guy... He WILL find you, but he certainly won't while you allow yourself to be stuck with somebody who doesn't deserve you, and perhaps never even did.

Good luck to you. I hope you find "that guy" very soon. It certainly doesn't sound like it is your current fella.

Thank you TheEvilJester, and I seriously mean it. Your pinks name so much sense. I can't believe in the one who ended up apologizing to him. He just texted me that he's "finally thinking straight again" and that I'm ALLOWED to talk to him now, seriously? Since when was all this my fault? My only fault is that I try to see good on people, and my feelings towards him blinded me. But I see some sense now. I'm not even going to respond. I'm going to block his number, and find my own closure because if I try to talk to him... I'm just wasting my breath. He clearly doesn't care.

Thank you everybody who responded, and gave me advice.