Confused and hurt

[Celticdevil]

Hi guys, I'm new around here, I have a bit of an issue...

I'm a single dad to 4 children who all have varying degrees of autistic spectrum disorders, as you can imagine life is not easy and is often hectic.
Over the last 5 years I've been fortunate enough to be in a relationship with the most fantastic woman I've ever met, she herself is a single mum who works hard for her family, she's a fantastic mum and a genuinely nice person....I love her with all my heart and soul, we don't live together sadly but we have talked about it and talked about getting married however I doubt this is ever going to happen as recently she has become distant and there is very little emotional warmth towards me, I've not actually seen her for the last 4 weeks due to her work commitments, we have talking still and it seems that the issue that's keeping us from being together properly is my children, she feels that couldn't cope with their behaviour on a daily basis, she acknowledges the behaviour isn't their fault....I'm taking it kinda hard, I fought long and hard for my children and she was right there with me all the way, it's not as if she didn't know what she was getting into, I've told her there's nothing I can do as regards the children, we come as a package....my head the logical side of me understands where she's coming from but my heart, my emotional side can't cope with it and the two sides of me are locked in conflict, I'm hurt by all of this, I was married for 9 years to someone who treated me pretty badly and made me feel worthless, all of this has brought those feelings back to the surface again.....the children come first in all I do and I love them, but I love this woman as well, she has been my rock and I'm devastated at the prospect of losing her.....perhaps someone out there has some words of wisdom.....

[TheEvilJester]

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Let me also say that you frigging ROCK for striving to be such a good dad to your little ones. Raising four kids could not be easy in the first place, but with their particular situations, I am sure it only makes it even harder. I am sure you do your best to ensure they grow up to have the best lives they can.

Now, with that said, this is kind of an unfortunate situation with this lady friend of yours. I mean, you are definitely right. She knew what she was getting into, so why would she now suddenly be having second thoughts? It also isn't your children's fault.... but she even realizes that herself. At the same time, I am sure you can understand if that could be a lot for somebody. Sure, it would be nice if she'd have had this revelation sooner, but, Hell, it is certainly much better than her having it AFTER you two got married.

You do have to put your kids first. They need you right now. They'll always need you, but the hope is that they won't quite AS MUCH when they become adults themselves. So, you are doing the right thing to put them first. Now, that of course doesn't mean you should neglect everybody else, but I don't get the impression you've done that with her. So, honestly, there isn't much advice I can offer here other than that you and her need to sit down and have a serious conversation.

You are both going to have to hash this out to decide whether or not it could work out. If she doesn't think she could do it, then that is honestly understandable, but it would have to mean you two will have to part ways. If she thinks she can do it, then perhaps it is worth still trying.... but you need to honestly feel confident that she actually has a sincere chance of sticking around. Even if you feel like she has the noblest of intentions, but you just don't think she'll wind up being able to deal, then it would probably be in your best interest just not to proceed any further. True, you never know what may happen, but I feel like if it seems inevitable it won't work out, then why bother to try. If it feels like it could, then maybe it is worth the effort to try.

That will have to be your decision, but I hope we can at least help you put some things in perspective. Good luck to you either way.

[Celticdevil]

Thank you, some perspective is exactly what I need....its proving very difficult to get sometime with her at the moment, she's working long hours and for me to go out I rely on sitters being available which takes some forward planning!! I get the feeling she dosent want to discuss us that she would rather keep me at arms length....I might just be paranoid.....I can honestly say I put everything I had into our relationship, I've treated her like a queen, not because she expects to be treated that way, in fact the opposit she asks for nothing but she deserves everything....life huh!!

[basilandthyme]

I have only one child on the spectrum, so I have some idea of what you're going through. I've often thought that if, heaven forbid, I had to start dating again it would be nigh impossible to find someone who could cope with the restrictions brought on by SN parenting.

Anyway, I hear you in that she knew what she was getting into. And it sounds like she gave it a red hot go. But a mental understanding of the pressures placed on the family is different to the real life experience. When any of us attempt a new venture (in any part of life), we think about whether or not we could achieve the goal and if we think we can, we give it a go. However, thinking we can do something and actually being able to do that thing are very different.

I'm sorry I can't magic her into your life.

[Celticdevil]

I think you might have hit the nail on the head there, it's hard enough day in day out for me as their father, I should have realised it would be too much for anyone else to deal with, hell their own mother couldn't cope with them!!

[TheEvilJester]

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. You are still human. You should certainly be allowed to find love just as much as the rest of us deserve it. Yes, it may make it a little harder for you considering you have children. Four, no less. Even harder considering their special situations. That still doesn't mean it is impossible, and it sure as heck doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to try.

Yes, it will be too much for a lot of people, but eventually there will be somebody who will feel it is worth it. Who will love your children almost as though they were her own. Why deprive yourself of that? As long as you still care for your kids in the way they need, you should be allowed to care for you too.

Now, as for this current gal, you may very well be right that she is sort of trying to avoid the situation. She may know that it is starting to seem inevitable that you two won't work out, but she kind of wants to avoid that inevitability. I certainly can't blame her. As you said, you two were otherwise a great match, but she's just not sure she can handle the whole picture. It is a shame, really, but sometimes that is life. Of course, it could be she is actually just legitimately busy at the moment, but either way, it seems like a decision has to be made. Again, you shouldn't necessarily harbor any hard feelings. She did sincerely try, or at least it sounds that way. Again, so much better if she decides that now than for you two to get more serious (or even get married) and she decides then that she can't handle it.

Good luck to you.