Desperate & scared!!

[Desperate1]

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Hi I'm new on here & really struggling at the moment. My ex & I were trying to conceive for just under a year, fell pregnant in May - & we were delighted, but suffered a miscarriage at wks in June. It was so difficult to come to terms with but I had my partner for support so I got through it. Then out of the blue four weeks ago he tells me he misses his boys (3 sons aged 14, 18 & 20) who live in SA, where my ex is from) & he is going home. No discussion. I tried to fight for us but how can I keep him from his kids?! I was obviously heartbroken as I thought we had a future. We were also engaged. My period was late this month & I thought it was the stress of the break up, financial worries etc, but I did several pregnancy tests this week & all but the first were bfp! I'd be in my element if it wasn't for the fact that my ex had just left me!

So my problem is really, 1. Do I tell my ex about the baby?
2. Is there any chance he'd come back to be with me now he's realised how much he missed his boys before?

It's so hard to know what to do for the best. On the one hand, if he abandons his boys again I don't think they'd ever forgive him, so it's unlikely that he'd come back to me even though I'm having his baby. Also he told me before we left that his kids knew nothing of our relationship & they'd never forgive him if they did because they love their Mother so much. Sounds a bit strange given the kids ages i.e. almost adults!!

I feel that my baby has a right to know his/her father but I can't/won't force him to do something he doesn't want to. He bought a one way ticket so I'm assuming he wasn't planning on coming back no matter how much we loved each other but he left to come to the UK once so he could again. I do want to tell him. But I don't know whether to take that risk or not. I stand to get hurt again if he tells me he's not coming back. And I'm worried he might think I'm
trying to trap him if I tell him about the baby - which I am not! I don't want him here if he doesn't come willingly.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated as I'm a bit of a mess right now!

Thanks x


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[friendsfirst]

Tell him and allow him to make the decision what he's going to do on his own. If you don't tell him you are going to wonder "what if" forever.

[Desperate1]

Tell him and allow him to make the decision what he's going to do on his own. If you don't tell him you are going to wonder "what if" forever.

Yeah, I think that's what I'm going to have to do. Despite not having a good feeling about all this! Thank you.

[melancholia]

Are you definitely having the baby? If you are - you need to tell him. He may not have a right to influence your decision, but he does have a right to know he's expecting another child. If you have decided to keep this baby - are you prepared to raise it alone? Is that something you can handle - mentally, emotionally, financially? If it is, then you may want to prepare for that possibility. Having said that, who knows how he will react to the news of this pregnancy. Was he excited when you told him the first time? I find it strange that he would just break off your engagement because he misses his sons... so he just ups and leaves, end of discussion? Why couldn't you go with him? Is there a chance that you could have a life together with his children? Is that something you want?

[Desperate1]

Are you definitely having the baby? If you are - you need to tell him. He may not have a right to influence your decision, but he does have a right to know he's expecting another child. If you have decided to keep this baby - are you prepared to raise it alone? Is that something you can handle - mentally, emotionally, financially? If it is, then you may want to prepare for that possibility. Having said that, who knows how he will react to the news of this pregnancy. Was he excited when you told him the first time? I find it strange that he would just break off your engagement because he misses his sons... so he just ups and leaves, end of discussion? Why couldn't you go with him? Is there a chance that you could have a life together with his children? Is that something you want?

Hi, thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
Yes I am definitely keeping this baby. I have wanted to be a Mummy for as long as I can remember and it just didn't work out before this, and now especially after we lost our baby earlier in the year I am more determined than ever to have our baby, with or without him.

He WAS excited when I told him about the first pregnancy. In fact I've never seen him act like that. So happy.

I asked why I couldn't go with him to SA. He told me his sons didn't know we were in a relationship and that if they found out they would never forgive him, because they are so protective of their Mother. I offered to go with him but keep a separate life when he is with his boys, until they are comfortable enough to be told that their Father has moved on. I think deep down that he's a bit of a commitment phobe and that he was scared of having to pay bills and having to be a 'grown up' basically. I think he wanted a quick escape. I know he really did miss his boys. He used to get upset about missing them a lot. But there's no reason why I couldn't have gone with him. I told him I loved him that much that I would go with him. But he dismissed it. Or rather didn't respond other than to tell me that his boys don't know about his relationship.

I would share a life with him and his sons in a heartbeat if he let me. But I think it's clear he doesn't want that or he would have at least discussed me going with him.

Part of me thinks that his children deserve to know what type of man their father seems to be. I mean if he could keep from them that he was in a serious relationship, trying to start a family for almost two years, living with me and engaged to be married, then surely they should know.

I do want him back, warts and all, but I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing him to come back or trapping him in any way. I think that's part of the reason he left. I feel like I pushed him to get engaged too soon and started talking about the wedding. Maybe if he knew that was off the table for now then he'd be more likely to come back. I don't know. I'm a mess and I can't think rationally. Hence pouring out my thoughts on here and hoping for some advice from rational people!!

Thanks so much for your support.

[Desperate1]

I suddenly thought - this situation is all I can think about right now - but I suddenly thought that what if he DOES miraculously do the right thing and comes back to be with me and the baby and then we lose the baby again (which I'm so terrified of after last time) and then he decides not to hang around again? Not sure I could handle that!

[melancholia]

It's easy for me to say this, because I don't know your ex, or the situation, much beyond what you've posted here; however, he doesn't sound like the best guy. For him to just up and leave you after your miscarriage, when you've been building a life together as an engaged couple, that makes him a f*cking a$$hole, to be honest. And for him to hide the relationship from his boys - from his family - is not a good sign. Those boys are at the age where they should absolutely be able to handle their father being in a relationship with someone who makes him happy. Besides, maybe they would be pleased to find out they are expecting a baby sister or brother. 14 is pretty young, and quite an impressionable age for boys, but his other two kids are adults. 18 and 20 may be young, but they are definitely old enough to handle their divorced parents being in new relationships. To me, that sounds like a cop out, like your ex was trying to say anything he could to get you to drop it and let him go. But when you mentioned that you practically begged him to let you go with him, he still wouldn't budge - even after you said you were willing to compromise even further by living separate lives from him and his boys (which is absurd, by the way). How soon did he leave after you miscarried? Why was he living so far away from his boys in the first place? And for how long was he living apart from them? And why does he need to be with them now, when they are adults and most likely focusing on their own lives? This guy just doesn't sound all that great to me, and it sounds like you deserve so much better from a partner. It makes me sad to think you are willing to raise this baby alone - which I commend you for - because it doesn't sound like you want to be a single mom.

There are a lot of factors involved here. It's a huge life changing thing to have a child, and I am sure that when you tell him about the pregnancy, that he will not take it lightly. There's no way to know how he will respond until you give him the news. I hope that he will be happy and that it will inspire him to be with you, but you have to realize that someone who is willing to cut and run at the drop of a hat, isn't someone you should be so willing to fight for. When it comes to relationships, both people need to give 100% of themselves to the relationship. I don't mean losing yourself and becoming codependent, but I do mean putting 100% of your effort in to make the relationship work. It doesn't appear that he is, or ever was, giving you 100% of himself.