My 2 year old nephew is destroying my marriage. Need advice! Desperate!

[nomdeplume]

Background
I am a 36 year old Asian male who just got married to a 32 yr old Asian woman last year. I was born overseas and raised in America since I was 8 years old. My wife was born and raised in Asia until about 7 years ago. My wife is part of a large family. She is the 3rd sister of 5 children. She is extremely close to her younger sister.

I was working a good job until being laid off about 4 months ago. I am in the process of finding new employment. In the meantime, my wife and her younger sister thought it would be a great idea to move into a 2 bedroom apartment together. So they signed an 18 month lease with the leasing office. My sister-in-law and her husband have limited English proficiency. They cannot hold a conversation outside of the house without a translator and they cannot read any letters without a translator. They have a 2 year old son and my sister-in-law is pregnant again and about to give birth in a few weeks.

My new nephew by marriage is a toddler. He has a lot of energy but not a lot of understanding and no boundaries. My brother-in-law works from 10am til 10pm six days a week. And when he gets home, he just veg out on documentaries on his phone or on TV. My sister-in-law's idea of raising her child is to turn on the tv to whatever is entertaining to a baby and sit there looking at her cellphone all day. "Whatever is entertaining" includes Russian cartoons, Spanish cartoons, English cartoons, Japanese cartoons, Chinese cartoons... each with their own language. It is probably why her son is 2 years old and can only point at things and grunt all day. My sister-in-law is an extremely kind person that cannot say no to anyone. Especially her son.

Unfettered by any kind of supervision, he basically plays with whatever he wants to. Play with the light switch for a few hours. Dance on the dining room table. Play with knives and sharp pens. Climb tall objects and bang his head on his descent. Play with the dish washer. Play with the washer/dryer. Play with electrical cables for the entertainment system. Play with chemicals underneath the sink. That all changed when I moved in with my in-laws. I started to curb dangerous behaviors. He has repeatedly tried to put a plugged in phone charging cord into his mouth various times while his mother sat there on her phone. I had to snatch it out of his hands. Every time he plays with electricity or play with electrical cords on the TV. I flick his hands so he won't do it again. Every time he hits or bites his younger cousins (who come to visit) I try to separate the kids. Every time he is playing with a sharp instrument, I take it away from him. However, every time I try to correct his behavior, he starts crying and banging his head against the ground and throw a tantrum. When he does that, my sister-in-law or my wife rushes to his side and lets him proceed to do what he wanted. Every time I try to put him in time out for bad behavior (which I have taught my in-laws to do), they free him within one to two minutes. He has hurt him self numerous time in the past 4 months. Been to the emergency room about once a month. Banged up his head, face planted off high furniture, etc.

I have made some progress in the past 3 months we have been living together. However, my nephew is extremely smart and has figured out that crying/fake crying/banging his head against the floor will basically bring him protection from my sister-in-law and my wife. And as soon as he cries, he can go right back to doing what ever he wanted. For example, he now eats while watching 3 mobile devices (a phone and two tablets) playing 3 different cartoons simultaneously, while he swings around a metal flashlight on a rope. He achieved that by crying/fake crying until my sister-in-law fetches what he wants to play with. He is reverting to what he was before. He is now a really spoiled brat and he is becoming one of those kids in the supermarket that throws tantrums on the ground screaming their heads off if their mother will not buy them a toy.

Oh, and by the way. I was a psychology major in college and my focus was on child developmental and child behavioral psychology. Many of my wife's close acquaintances have told her that children needs discipline and what I am doing is right, but she will not hear any of it. In the past 3 months, there have been some positive changes with my nephew as he is starting to respect some boundaries (stop playing with wires, climbing tall furniture that can topple, and stop dancing on tables). I still have to grab sharp objects (why anyone would let a 2 yr old play with a steak knife is beyond me) out of his hand when he is playing with his cousins. But he was getting better. Now he is slowly reverting to a spoiled brat because he has me figured out.

Issue
My wife is extremely close with her sister as stated above. So she became more protective of her nephew than my sister-in-law. I have only been married for one year. And about 80% of our arguments are about how I am treating her nephew. And I mean major heated arguments, not small disagreements. There were times where she wanted to hit me and other arguments where she said she wanted a divorce. By the way, being from a large family she has about 9 niece and nephews that she sees on a regular basis. All the kids love me and gives me more affection than they ever do with her, because I'm the only one that play with them, gives them attention, and I am the only one that they respect. Because of these arguments she has occasionally, in anger, expressed that she does not want to have kids with me. I love kids and so does she. I want kids with my wife as soon as I find a new job. However, because of these extremely heated arguments our relationship is becoming volatile. She watches me like a hawk whenever the nephew and I are in the same room. Every time I voice any kind of concern about him playing with dangerous objects, I get yelled at. I now try to distance myself and go into another room every time the kid is in the living room (which is basically 9am until 3am!!! Yes, his bed time every night is 3am!). But then she gets on me for being unfriendly and a distant to her family. We have had talks about what will happen after our lease is up. My wife would like to buy a house with my sister-in-law and just share a house. Right now, I am not even sure I can survive 18 months with this spoiled brat that is NOT EVEN MY KID! I am stressed out all the time. I am basically captive in my bedroom while kid program from 5+ different countries in different languages blares in the living room from 9am until 3am on a daily basis. I've had more sleep when I had a job and that job sometime requires 90 - 100 hrs a week. My nerves are shot and frazzled and I am either angry, nervous or panicked most of the time.

I love my wife with all my heart and I want to have kids with her. But I don't want to keep having these arguments about my nephew. And I know he's not my kid, but no one is doing anything to discipline this kid (My brother-in-law asked me to discipline his kid because he works long hours). I love kids and my nephew is no exception. I don't want him hurt and I want him to grow up to be a good kid, but it's like I'm fighting a river or something.

Also, I know that once I get a job, this problem would abate. However, my last job was high level and political. I want to advance in my career path, so it's been difficult trying to find the right job that can help me advance. Job searches takes time, but I want to get off this emotional roller-coaster of arguments as soon as possible.

Sorry about rambling but writing is cathartic. I really need help! Any advice would be much appreciated!

[basilandthyme]

Wow, I can't imagine being in your shoes. I really feel sorry for the kid too, with his neglectful mother and an absent father.

Now, let's be clear - the nephew isn't ruining your marriage. It's your inlaws and their inadequate parenting who are causing all the problems....and by the sound of things, your wife has a bit to answer for too. He's not a brat - he's just a little boy doing exactly what a poor parented little boy will do.

I firmly believe that you should not be disciplining this child because you are not his parent. I know that his father has given you permission to discipline and teach, but anything you do will be undermined by their poor parenting anyway.

I disagree that this problem will end when you find a job. They won't magically start to parent and this boy will just get further and further out of control. You may be coming home from work to a house that is trashed and a child who's refusing to go to bed at 11pm.

It seems to me that you and she need to break this lease and stop living with her family. But I suspect that if you take this route, your wife will side with her family and you'll be the one out in the cold. But with the way your wife is treating you, I wouldn't recommend having kids with her anyway. I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that successful parenting needs two parents who have the same philosophy about child rearing. Based on what you write here, it sounds like your wife's parenting style would also be permissive/uninvolved.

There are no easy answers here. But how about you start at the point of trying to find common ground with your wife on this topic. Together you can stand strong and make your own boundaries. But if you can't find common ground, you may have to rethink your future with her as a wife and mother.