He shows in so many ways that he loves me, but says he don't know

[pavlina]

I've been in a serious realtionship with a guy for almost 2 years. We're both in our mid-30's, and both have been in longer relationships before.

Already since the beginning, we've had quite a lot of problems, but have somehow worked our way through them. The reasons for the problems have NOT been anything like cheating, lies, bad moral, trust-issues, violence or similar that can be impossible to fix, but more because we are two strong-headed persons, who know what we wants, and are in many ways quite different.

Now we're about to move in together.

In all this time by boyfriend has never said "I love you" to me. He shows love strongly and in numerous ways, but have never said it. I know - not all people feel the verbal way of expressing love is for them. Okay enough. But since we're now about to take the big step of moving in together, I feel I was forced to ask. Because I don't intend to do such a serious step and live my life with someone who doesn't love me. So I asked, and he answered "I don't know." He actually didn't know, said this was something he had to think about. Well, for me, there and then, this was answer enough - No.

I mean (at least in my world), if you love someone, you just KNOW. Either you feel it, or you don't. It's nothing to ponder about. (But is it so clear for everyone, especially men..?)

So. Now things are really bad. I'm not going to live my life on a lie. And if there is no love, there is nothing of anything else either.


But here comes Part 2. Okay, so he's said what he's said, honest words.
But what I'e experienced in these close to 2 years is the very opposite. I've experienced so much love from him in so many ways. Sometimes I've felt I've been bathing in love. This is a guy who've had really big problems about talking about everything emotional and for him it's a huge effort. Nevertheless he have done all he could in our difficult moments. Done all he could to search his soul and talk, so we could talk through the situation and hopefully solve the problem.
He's a man who's not a family person, you put his alone time, hobbies, very high. He's not afraid of living his life alone - he really enjoy to be his own master an being alone - and much more afraid of ending up with just someone. His hobbies and interests is not only hobbies and interests for him, it's extremely important for him, gives him and his life a lot of meaning.

I'll mention a few things here, that for me is very little compatible with him not loving me:

- in all this time, in our heavy relationship moments, he've fought hard through it, to stay with me. He've had many very easy possibilities to leave, if he wanted to, but never even mentioned it or partly taken those chances. Instead he've rather fought harder for me and our relationship.
- he says (and have said since almost the beginning) that he feels good when he think about sharing his future with me. He says he haven't felt this with any former girlfriends.
- he do compromises on many things all the time, like travels (we both love to travel, but to very different destinations. For him the destination itself is very important, and will much rather travelling alone, than have to compromise his travels. Though for me, he've compromised. Not because I've forced him, but because he wants to travel with me.), spare time activities (as wathing a movie together instead of a very important hobby).
- he talks about the future, like the house, the garden etc, like hand-on things. How we (WE!) can make the house, which pets to have etc etc. This he talks about more often than me, often it's him who starts these conversations.
- he dislike christmas and family gatherings, but because christmas is very important for me, he said he wanted to come and celebrate it with my family. I know he didn't like christmas, so I said he were fully free to choose if he wanted to come and celebrate or not. It was completely up to him. (Because of circumstances, it's not an option to celebrate away from my family this christmas). He said he wanted to.
- and then a big one: he's not from the country we live in (my country), but anyway loves to live where he lives now (lived there for about 10 years). For me it has never been an option to not settle down in my hometown. I've been totally open and honest to him about this, since the very beginning. The thing is, I'm from a totally different part of the country. Where he lives now, he loves the landscape alot, and also that place offers job opportunities related to his education. For my home place, there's very few directly relevant job opportunities for his education, and he's not very excited about the area itself (he now live on the coast, with sea and mountains, of which he loves. My area is on the contrary flat farmers land). Nevertheless, he want to move to my home place, so we can be together and start a real future together. (This may seem egoistic of me, but as I've said, I've been totally open about all the time that for me it would not be an option to not settle down in my home place, so this he knew all along. It should also be said, he've never said the same the other way - that for him it wouldn't be an option to move away from the coast.) I've told him he's fully free to decide this himself, I don't want to have anything to say in this decision. So, since he've decided he will move, he's quitting a stable, education relevant job, moving away from a area he really likes, plus some other minor things, to my place. For us.
- he's always been very affectionate, with hugs, kissing and closeness (though we've got sex issues, since he don't want to often - I think it may be because of all the problems, but I don't know. He don't know either, he says. This is btw quite sad and a loss for me, and is also part of our problems.)


So this is it. What have I missed here? Because my gut feeling tells me he loves me deeply, but his words is his words. I should also mention that feelings and everything about it confuses him a lot. Though I can't use this as an excuse for myself.
I can interpret actions as much as I want, but what are my interpretations worth in a case like this? Or is what I've actually experienced and feel I've recieved from him that matters? What IS love? Does he love me? Is he just confused? Should I look at actions or liten to his words?

All replys are very welcome, and I will be very thankful, because this is really, really difficult.

[SuperHappyTime1]

Honestly, I think he loves you.

Part of me says you need to give him an ultimatum, and the other half of me says you need to show weakness.

In both cases, you just need to tell him that you love him and his heart will convince him of it.

[gettysburg]

Of course he loves you. He might not like verbally expressing his love for you but of course he knows that he loves you.. He does not meant that he didn't know, but he might wanted to have avoided verbally express it, it might not be his way. You should feel lucky to have such a loving person. Be happy and when in doubt just ask him seriously.. Cheers

[benfletcher82]

He loves you, but has different ways of showing it. It doesn't have to be verbal. Some people are just bad at expressing it that way but can do so in other ways. If you love him, then tell him you do. Put his mind at rest, I suppose?

[smackie9]

IMO guys who don't say it is because they fear true commitment, and fear losing control of everything, like choice, their identity, etc. It's a psychological issue.

[melancholia]

Maybe he didn't hear "I love you" enough as a child, or maybe he hasn't had enough practice saying it himself. Regardless, if being told "I love you", is something you need, you should talk to him about it. We all have different needs and some people believe actions speak louder than words, and don't feel the verbal acknowledgement is as important; while others need to hear it. Try talking to him about how he feels, just ask him how he thinks everything is going between you two, and if he is happy with your relationship. The more you talk about things like this, the easier it becomes.