Why do I say things I do not mean

[Treobr152]

Hi,

This is my first time posting and I was hoping to get some advice.

I met a guy a few months ago and I'm completely in love with him. He's just everything I could want in a guy. I know his flaws too, but still I love him all the same.

Unfortunately, we are in a long distance relationship. At first I found it really tough as I was worried that when he went there was a risk that we could loose our connection. But since visiting him I feel a lot more secure and assured that we will be ok. Long distance isn't ideal, but I am in the frame of mind that it could work if we do it right.

But there is a problem on my part and I can't get my head around it. Yesterday, we had an argument. A fairly big one and actually probably only our second ever. I know that all relationships have arguments and that it is how you deal with them that matters. But I keep making one dreadful mistake. When the argument is going nowhere, and I feel totally misunderstood, I always end up implying or saying that we should break up.

It's terrible. And very unfair on him. I don't mean it to hurt him, at least not consciously. Though I realise now that it does. I don't think I do it to be manipulative either. In the moment I can become so emotional that I feel utter dispair, and it hurts. And I think to my self 'maybe the answer is to break up'. So I say it. And then I immediately regret it and realise its not actually what I want.

I've promised my boyfriend that I am going to work on this. It can't keep happening. But I can't figure out why I do it. And I feel like thats an important part of resolving whatever my issue might be.

So I'm asking, have you ever experienced similar? Do you have any advice for me to stop it happening again when I'm really upset? Any thoughts on why I might react in this way?

I'd really like to improve myself and would be greatful for any honest replies

Thank you.

[friendsfirst]

I did this in a previous relationship. It was the only relationship I ever did it in, and deep down it was what I wanted. I'm in a LDR myself, and as irritated as I get with him, I don't ever want to end it. I think it's a matter of the connection you have, and quite possibly, you really don't see the relationship as viable.

[Treobr152]

I did this in a previous relationship. It was the only relationship I ever did it in, and deep down it was what I wanted. I'm in a LDR myself, and as irritated as I get with him, I don't ever want to end it. I think it's a matter of the connection you have, and quite possibly, you really don't see the relationship as viable.

Thank you.

I do see what you mean. I'll give the situation more context.

My boyfriends job is with a show that travels the world. He gets good time off later in the year but is away for months at a time. We do talk briefly everyday, and I'm happy with that. The extra problem we have is that whilst on tour he has to share a hotel room. So we don't get to speak alone for any prolonged time.
Yesterday I thought we were going to get that longer chat / hangout time on skype. But he could only do it in the hotel lobby. I did get angry, too angry. But what I wanted was some alone time. So when I later said about breaking up, it was more that if we are never going to get alone time when he is away, it probably wont work. Im not talking crazy amounts, maybe once a week or so.

But still. I could have just made my point without the break up 'threat'. And I could of handled the whole thing a lot more constructively. I think I use it when I feel the importance of what I'm saying is not being acknowledged or understood. But that's not an acceptable tactic.

Does any one have advice on what might be a better thing to say? That still stresses the importance of what I'm saying without saying something that later makes me look like an idiot...

Thanks

- - - Updated - - -

And I should say that later he did say he would do his best to make one to one time for us once in a while

[Wakeup]

The whole point of this situation is that you are not being satisfied in the relationship. You may love him, but him being away for months at a time is not going to fair well for you in the future even if he IS able to give you skype time or cyber sex moments. It's not like he has the time and place to meet your needs and is ignoring it... it's what he has to work with and that's that.

Either you learn to be okay with the time he can give you when he is away or leave now before you are even more involved and you find yourself in a lonely life with a man you only get to spend half of that life in his company.

Do you think you're capable of learning how to cope? I know if it were me I would acknowledge to myself that even though I love him... he is not the man that I should TRY to spend the rest of my life with. Not while he's in that same job, anyway.

[basilandthyme]

I have to agree that people who do this (you're far from the only one!) already have one foot out the door. I think your anger is serving as a truth serum

[antenna]

I'm really glad to hear you want to improve yourself and stop doing this.

Maybe others are right and you are expressing some subconscious thought. But you might be saying it as a way to get your needs met. Once you threaten to leave, it causes insecurity, fear and vulnerability in your boyfriend. He will do anything to keep you, and maybe that's why you say it. Because it's one foolproof method that always gives you what you want and a lover more desperate to please.

1. truly realize and take responsibility for the deep psychological and (unintentional) emotional manipulation threatening to break up puts your boyfriend through.
2. learn more effective conflict resolving methods so you don't have to resort to this. i.e. being calm and using more empathetic ways to get your point across "I feel ____ when you ____. I'd like it if you did ___ instead."

[Treobr152]

Thank you for the replies.

I don't think walking away is the answer. You're right I haven't been having my needs met, and you are right that in this particular situation, he is the only one that can really make a difference (though I will do all I can as well). But he does take things on board. So I'm hopeful that this will change.

A few months ago it was the day to day contact that was an issue. And after we talked about that (and no I didnt loose my temper!) thinks really improved. Day to day things have been great and I can live with it. I just got angry because we can't have the occasional one to one time. I say can't, it's not can't, it's difficult and he does try. Simply, I should have asked in a more reasonable way

[Wakeup]

Well, from here, it sound like you you're making concessions and letting down your personal boundaries in order to not have to sever this relationship and you're doing that even though you are not going to get what you need from this pairing. The man is gone months at a time and he does no get a room to himself so that he can become cyber intimate with you or talk to you intimately like he could if he was alone.

How is you asking in a more reasonable way to give you more time going to enable him to give you more time? He doesn't have the time nor does he have the place (for months at a time).

Think carefully about what you are doing here.

I DO wish you luck.

[Treobr152]

Honestly, I do think he is going to try and find the time. He got the message. He has made changes I have asked for before and they have made me happy. He does a hell of a lot for me. And I do for him as well. He's gonna find that time, he said he would. And I'm going to work on my outbursts, like I said I would!

[Wakeup]

What's he going to do? Kick his room mate out of his own room so you two can get intimate?

Anyway, keep us updated on how he is keeping his word. Good luck.

[Treobr152]

I will. And 'wakeup' yes you're right, I do need to get how difficult it is, just so long as he does try to seek out that time when its possible id be happy.

Thanks

[nheeya]

Do you have any past relationship history? Because sometimes we are traumatized with our past and unintentionally pass it on to our present relationship and it is so unfair.

[TheEvilJester]

You've already been given some good advice, so I don't have all that much more to add. I will say, though, that there isn't necessarily much we can do or say to help you figure out how to stop making empty threats of breaking up. Believe me, we are ALL guilty at some points in our lives of saying things in anger/upset feelings that we don't really mean. If anybody claims to have never done that, they are a liar. Now, I'm not saying that everybody in the world has constantly threatened breaking up with the partner without really meaning it (though you aren't the only one BY FAR), but I'm saying everybody says or does things they regret at some point in their life due to heightened emotions.

The trick is realizing when you are doing this, and learning how better to deal with those emotions. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT trying to imply this is easy.... But, you basically need to learn to recognize when you are getting this emotionally charged in order to be able to catch yourself before you do or say something you don't mean. Threatening to break up is something you should NEVER do unless you honestly do mean it. Even if for no other reason that, in time, maybe you're partner will get so sick of hearing it that they will think it is a good idea. They may think it is inevitable that you will break up with them anyway, so they won't bother to get as invested in your relationship as they should, and it would become doomed to fail.

On the other hand..... please be sure to seriously consider if maybe you actually DO want to break up. It sounds to me like you do not, and that maybe you just say it out of gut-reaction in your heightened emotions. HOWEVER, if you put some hard honest thought into it and find that maybe you subconscious knows something you don't want to admit to yourself and that maybe this relationship just does not work for you, then you would be better off to be honest about that and end things.

Long distance relationships can be very hard. They CAN work, but it can be difficult. From the sound of things, it doesn't sound like he doesn't care. I could be wrong, but I do not get that impression. It sounds to me like he tries sincerely as best he can to give you as much time as he can.

The thing is, maybe that is enough for you, maybe it is not. If it is not enough for you, maybe he can find a way to change his situation so it works better for you both, but maybe he cannot. As much as it would suck for this to end what could otherwise be a great relationship, if his situation doesn't work for you, but he has no way to change it, then you two are just not the right match. You may think you can live with it and just learn to deal, but if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. It will only make it harder and harder to deal with the closer and closer you two get.

I'm not saying it WON'T work. It could if you two can learn to make it work. I am just saying, don't try to FORCE it to work if it will not. You two may otherwise be great for each other, but that doesn't automatically mean you are the right match. Good luck to you both. I sincerely hope you are able to make it work, but if not, I hope you both find somebody more suited to your given situations. Good luck.

[Wakeup]

I will. And 'wakeup' yes you're right, I do need to get how difficult it is, just so long as he does try to seek out that time when its possible id be happy.

Thanks

That remains to be seen.

Good luck. Don't settle.