What do I do?

[kaitlynnfrost]

I'll keep this as short as possible even though the story has a lot of details.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years (since 2008), married for 2 1/2, and have had 3 children together. My husband started being physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive towards me shortly after I moved in with him in 2009, even after we had our first daughter in 2010. While I was pregnant our second daughter he cheated on me. Going out to bars almost every night leaving me at home alone with our first daughter and pregnant with our second. She was born in 2013 and sadly got sick and passed away 9 days later. He had stopped being abusive for a short period of time and I ended up getting pregnant again 4 months later only to miscarry. I was going through a really tough time. My husband I'm pretty sure at this point didn't want a family and resented me for giving him one. In his family it's considered taboo to not settle down and even worst to separate after having kids, no matter what the circumstances. I became pregnant again 1 month after my miscarriage with our 3rd daughter and at about 5 months pregnant he beat me badly. I left him, got a restraining order and carried on with my life. His parents however showed up at my new residence almost daily trying to subliminally convince me that I need to take him back with little gestures. fast forward a couple of months he had been in counseling for a while and I started talking to him determined to try and give this another shot for my childrens sake if he was trying to get better and was really changing. So here we are 2 years later and he's starting to relapse into his old ways. 3 weeks ago he put his hands on me again, and my daughter now 5 knows whats going on because she asked me about it. He also asked my neighbor who just left her husband (that day) out for drinks, lied to me about it, and stayed out all night with her. I only found out because I used the t mobile family tracking app to see where he was. The next day myself, my husband, a few friends, and said neighbor went out for my birthday. My husband bought her dinner, sat next to her and not me, ordered her food for her but not mine, and spent most of the night talking to her. Now I just found out he's been answering craigslist personal ads giving out his number and his middle name. I decided to get an app that I could text and call with a new phone number so I pretended to be one of the girls that he responded to. It really hurt me but I needed to be sure of what his intentions were and what he was doing. So I finally busted him and of course he lied. But I'm no dummy with a computer, I got that ip address the email was sent from and matched it to his device right in front of him to which he finally confessed. I just finally got an at home job that I'll start in December but it's part time. I'll only be making about $1100 / month. I am determined to leave in fear that one day he will abuse my children or that they will continue to see what's happening. But I don't know what to do or where to go. Any help is appreciated. I also need to do this secretively otherwise the repercussions will not be good.

[melancholia]

Are there any family members or friends you are close to that would be willing to help you leave your husband? If you were able to leave him before you can do it again, and I probably shouldn't have to remind you that he absolutely will hurt your children. Maybe not directly with physical abuse, but he has already caused damage to your children's emotional and mental well being. And you are contributing to that abuse by staying with an abusive partner. Get someone - anyone that you trust - to help you. Get counseling for yourself and your children, and start working toward improving your life for yours and your family's sake. It is dangerous for you to continue a relationship with this man. I don't care if he says he will change, or if he goes into therapy, he has never had to reap the consequences of his actions because everyone in his life has enabled his abusive behavior. He will never change, no matter how much he says he will, or how much you want him to.

[kaitlynnfrost]

I know that I have to leave. I do wish he would change, but I know he's not going to. I only have my mother. But there is not really room at her house for us. I was thinking about maybe asking her if I could stay with her for a short period of time until I have a higher monthly income. I used an online child support calculator to estimate how much I would receive if I filed for it but I know that the process of divorce and child support could be lengthy. Once I have child support though I know that I could support my children. I know this is what I have to do, I'm just so heart broken.

[melancholia]

I think it would be a really great idea if you were able to stay with your mother. I know that's probably not an ideal situation for her, or for you, but it's important that you are safe - away from your husband. The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship, is immediately after a break up. I think it's in your best interest to think carefully about this, and to take all the right steps in ensuring safety for your family. You can try contacting your local children and family services centre. They can offer a wide range of resources and referrals for you that can assist you in the process of divorcing your abusive husband. Since you already have a restraining order placed against him, it won't be difficult to seek sole custody of your children, and to be granted a divorce, even if he refuses or rejects being served with divorce papers.

Please, please, for the sake of your safety, overall well-being, and for your family; get away from your husband and take every step you can to healing and improving your life and the life of your children.

[kaitlynnfrost]

Well I don't have the restraining order any longer as it has already expired but he does have domestic violence on his record from the last time I left him and I have taken pictures from the incident 3 weeks ago

[melancholia]

That is excellent that the restraining order will be on file. You may want to consider filing another police report (depending on how recently he abused you). The more paperwork you have on file against him, the better it will be for your case. I highly recommend seeking legal advice, as well as sourcing some assistance for getting adequate and affordable counseling for yourself and the rest of your family.

I wish you all the best. I sincerely hope that you are able to surround yourself with people who love and respect you, and who care about your feelings and well-being; and who will protect you from people like your abusive husband. You deserve better, and your children deserve better as well.

[Wakeup]

Go to the site in the link below and ask them for support and advise. They work with abused women as a career and will be able to hook you up with the appropriate agencies that can help see you through this. You need to see a lawyer too who will be able to guide you with what you need to do to get child support payments in place and anything else to do with marital assets being split.

Be well, be safe, good luck.

[url=http://commongroundhelps.org/?cat=189]Victim?s Assistance Program Archives - Common Ground : Common Ground[/url]

Or google "abused woman's assistance" and put in your particular area.

[victorian_grl]

Your safety is the most important thing right now. Focus on that, and things will flow from there. Focus on yourself and those you love. Stay away from all negativity... all the best!

[lightstar]

don't wait to leave him. This man is dangerous and he could seriously harm you and your children. He could kill you. Domestic violence can escalate from 1-10 without warning and it is even more dangerous for you if you try to leave while he is home. You need to get out when hes not there, find somewhere safe to go and just go asap, get a restraining order, file for divorce and reach out for help to local support groups/help centres.

You need to be strong for your children and the best thing you can do for them is to protect their mother, be safe, healthy and well so you can be there for them!