Desperately in need of advice

[Dream_of_Waves]

Hello.

My partner and I have undergone some big challenges of late... I have been struggling with my health, and have been working extremely hard in order to make my own ends meet.

As for my partner, he has been going through hell at work. So, naturally, I have picked up the load at home. Neither of us have children, though we do have small pets. If I don't tend to most chores in our home (such as cooking, cleaning and managing our little animals) majority of the time they will be left unattended (unless I ask/sometimes beg my partner for assistance). I am not suggesting that my partner is lazy, rather that he will often excuse himself from putting in the effort.

I'm exhausted on so many levels... mainly emotionally and physically. I also feel lonely in that I worry my partner doesn't care about my concerns. Regardless of how many times I try to get him to understand just how much emotional stress I too have been under, very little changes. If I felt that he had more of an understanding of this, I would be more inclined to be happy with taking responsibility for my extra efforts.

My partner and I are both in our mid twenties, and have been together in a beautiful yet challenging relationship for many years. I truly believe that he and I can overcome anything.

Any advice as to how to best approach these issues would be so greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

[nheeya]

We can't really expect guys to do the chores, but i understand a little assistance is a big help. And it's cute for couples to do some household chores together. You should be open with how you feel to him regarding this matter, talk to him about it before going to sleep. Like you said you are struggling with some health issues so i'm very sure he will understand.

[lightstar]

I think guys just want to unwind when they get home. They don't see it as a big deal. My partner always says "ill do it tomorrow" which is irritating but hes great in other ways. He works hard, always puts out the rubbish, lights the fire etc It annoys me when I clean all day, cook dinner etc and then want to sit down and relax but he wont take the initiative to clean up after dinner. But I think pick your battles

[melancholia]

Why can't we expect men to do chores around a house they live in? Unless they are disabled, or a young child, they absolutely should be carrying their own weight around the house. I would suggest that you talk to him again about this, maybe be more firm and direct in your approach. Explain to him how exhausted you are, and why you are so exhausted. Point out to him what you have on your plate, and try and get him to see where you are coming from. I think you should talk about divvying up the chores. Write out a list of all the chores that need to be done and divide it up. Pick one thing you don't mind doing, and ask him which chores he doesn't hate, and get him to pick one. Then you can go through all the chores you have and decide who should be doing what. Then post it on your fridge or something so you can check off a chore once it's done. That's what me and my roommates do and it seems to work well. We all hate chores, that's why they are called chores. But unless you can afford to hire a maid to do them for you, you both have to be willing to put in a bit of extra work at home to make it a place where you can relax. It's not fair for one person to handle everything, so I think you need to be firm in your position that he needs to get off his a$$ and help you around the house.

[Wakeup]

Go on strike and see if he even notices if dinner isn't made for him, his shitty underwear isn't picked up, his toilet looks like teamsters porta-potty.

If you keep doing everything, why would he need to do a thing?

[melancholia]

Go on strike and see if he even notices if dinner isn't made for him, his shitty underwear isn't picked up, his toilet looks like teamsters porta-potty.

If you keep doing everything, why would he need to do a thing?

This is a great suggestion, especially if you've already tried talking to him about this issue. However, since it's a passive aggressive way of handling the situation, you may not get the desired result. He may still leave everything for you to do, and you may just end up doing it yourself anyway. Maybe you should pair both suggestions together. Talk to him about your problem, and tell him you will only do certain chores, and leave the rest for him to do. Nobody likes living in filth, so if he likes his house to be clean, he damn well better share the weight of cleaning it.