How is this Not Cheating?

[dbxxsk]

My bf dropped the news that he got chlamydia. It's from the bachelor party he went to where he got a lap dance (which I know of beforehand).
I already broke up with him. But I would like to get the opinion from other guys how this scenario does not constitute as cheating in his eyes.

He said he didn't have sex with her. She got naked in the private room. She touched herself. He was surprised when she took his cock out. That's probably how he got chlamydia from her, when she touched herself then him. He touched her vagina.

He said it's not cheating. What do you guys think? Whatever he did went far enough that he even got STD from her.

[melancholia]

There is tons of information out there about chlamydia online. It's the most common STI and a lot of people have had it, and will get it. You can ONLY get it from sex (oral, vaginal intercourse, and anal sex). You can't get it from the air, you can't get it from a toilet seat, and you can't get it from a lap dance. The bacteria can't live outside of the body. So he is definitely hiding something. Having said that, one thing I will say is that most people never have any symptoms (as in 75-80% of people don't get any symptoms at all) and they can have it for years and not know until they test positive for it. Do you know when he was last tested before his positive test? Does he? If he was tested during a time when you were together and he tested negative, and now he is testing positive, then you have a problem here. However, it's more important that you go and get tested and get on treatment if you do test positive for it. Keep in mind, chlamydia is basically like a cold you get from sex. It's more dangerous for a woman to contract it, because it can lead to more serious health complications down the line, if left untreated; however, it is 100% curable with antibiotics, so it's not the worst case scenario (or even second, third or fourth worst case scenario).

Go and get tested immediately, then talk to your boyfriend about where it came from. You can only know for sure if you know when both of your last negative STI tests were.

Best of luck to you!

[dbxxsk]

Thank you for your concern. I already got tested, although I am waiting for my result for my urine and blood sample. He tested positive last week. His last negative test was in January. Mine too and probably in the middle of March as well. He said his doctor told him it's possible that she has her bodily fluid on her hand and it made contact with his genital.

[melancholia]

Thank you for your concern. I already got tested, although I am waiting for my result for my urine and blood sample. He tested positive last week. His last negative test was in January. Mine too and probably in the middle of March as well. He said his doctor told him it's possible that she has her bodily fluid on her hand and it made contact with his genital.

Well, I am not a physician, so I would trust a doctor's opinion over mine; however, if you are concerned about the validity of that, you may want to check with your own doctor. I recently tested positive for chlamydia and had to tell the guy I've been seeing since the summer. Neither of us had been tested in well over a year prior to the test I'd recently had, so there was no way to know where it came from or how long I had it for (or if he had it and gave it to me). From everything I researched online and from what my Dr told me, you can only get it from oral sex, vaginal intercourse, and anal sex. Maybe your BF did partake in some oral sex with that woman, and in that case, it is cheating.

[dbxxsk]

I am waiting for the result then I will talk to him. I'm not getting back together with him cause I believe that the fact they touched each other's genitals. That's cheating. I am angry that he is not apologetic about the lap dance incident (he is for the STD part)

[melancholia]

Yeah, you have two different problems to sort out at the moment. Your health is of utmost importance, so I am glad to see you are taking that seriously and you've already been tested. Also, fortunately, it is curable, so even if you do have it, it's really easy to get rid of and you can go about your life without worrying about it. At least it's not herpes or HPV, or something worse, like HIV or Hep C, which can't be cured. Having said that, I am sorry to hear your boyfriend disrespected your relationship by cheating. That's not fair to you at all, especially if you discussed the bachelor party and had agreed on what was appropriate/inappropriate behavior. These kinds of things are never easy to deal with, but you know you deserve better than that, and I hope you can heal from this quickly.

Big love to you, dear one.

[dontaskme]

Touching someone else's vagina, yeah, it's cheating. The only genital he should be touching is yours. He's an ass for even trying to twist that. Last time someone tried to get away with that kind of thing, he almost got impeached.

Good for you for breaking up with him.

[dbxxsk]

Yeah, you have two different problems to sort out at the moment. Your health is of utmost importance, so I am glad to see you are taking that seriously and you've already been tested. Also, fortunately, it is curable, so even if you do have it, it's really easy to get rid of and you can go about your life without worrying about it. At least it's not herpes or HPV, or something worse, like HIV or Hep C, which can't be cured. Having said that, I am sorry to hear your boyfriend disrespected your relationship by cheating. That's not fair to you at all, especially if you discussed the bachelor party and had agreed on what was appropriate/inappropriate behavior. These kinds of things are never easy to deal with, but you know you deserve better than that, and I hope you can heal from this quickly.

Big love to you, dear one.

Thank you very much. I am actually dealing with this better than I thought I would. I've been going to work and continue my workout instead of wallowing at home. I'm proud of that. However, should I ask him about the details of that night? I want to know, I want to satisfy my curiosity and anger that he could do such a thing and deny that it's cheating.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm focusing on myself right now. The day after he told me the news, I packed up my things from his place and drove home. Make this break-up short and less messy. However, I still have to notify him of my result. I want to meet up with him at a neutral space, ask him specific questions about that night (to ensure that he isn't going to play with words)? I just want to know, so I can truly see who he is and move on. Is that a good idea?

[melancholia]

Thank you very much. I am actually dealing with this better than I thought I would. I've been going to work and continue my workout instead of wallowing at home. I'm proud of that. However, should I ask him about the details of that night? I want to know, I want to satisfy my curiosity and anger that he could do such a thing and deny that it's cheating.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm focusing on myself right now. The day after he told me the news, I packed up my things from his place and drove home. Make this break-up short and less messy. However, I still have to notify him of my result. I want to meet up with him at a neutral space, ask him specific questions about that night (to ensure that he isn't going to play with words)? I just want to know, so I can truly see who he is and move on. Is that a good idea?

A lot of people have different definitions of what cheating means to them. I've even heard people say it's not cheating if the guy doesn't cum... which is ridiculous, but still something people believe. I think you are well within your rights to ask questions about it, but keep in mind that he will be as honest as he wants to be about it. There's no way to know for sure how truthful he will be. I think you need to trust your instincts and go about this in whichever way suits you best. If meeting up with him to discuss your results, and to ask him some follow up questions is going to help you move forward, it's a great idea. If cutting contact with him and focusing on your own life and needs is going to help you move forward quicker, then by all means, do it. The main goal is to keep your head up and stay positive, even though it hurts. You deserve better than this, and you should be proud of yourself for how you've handled this. You seem like a gracious and mature person, and I wish you all the best in life, and in love.

[lightstar]

As soon as you hear "private" and "lapdance" put together.. it is cheating. I wouldn't even be okay with a public lapdance or the fact he even went to a strip club. I get that it was a bachelor party and everyone was going so I would get over it (not that I would be happy about it) but I would certainly expect him to act like a married man once inside the doors which means NO physical contact at all!

[Wakeup]

You broke up with him. Why do you have to meet him. Just tell him your results over the phone and then be done of him.

Why keep up all this drama by questioning him and needing to meet him face to face. What is your motive?

[dbxxsk]

You broke up with him. Why do you have to meet him. Just tell him your results over the phone and then be done of him.

Why keep up all this drama by questioning him and needing to meet him face to face. What is your motive?

It's not drama I am looking for. There has been no drama. I made this break-up as clean as possible. There was no yelling match. I told him I'm leaving, gave my reason, and picked up my stuff when he was at work. I still have to meet up with him anyway because of a few lingering financial issues.

I want to do this for myself. Because he is not telling the whole truth yet he says he is not cheating. I owe it to myself to break up over the truth, not some fabrication. It will help me move forward

[Wakeup]

You know the truth. He touched another girls vagina. That is the truth... he even admitted to it. THAT is enough for you to have left him so close the door. Tell him your results over the phone after you get the money he owes you or you pay him what you owe him.

Done and done. But of course, you won't do yourself that favour.

Good luck.

[dbxxsk]

You know the truth. He touched another girls vagina. That is the truth... he even admitted to it. THAT is enough for you to have left him so close the door. Tell him your results over the phone after you get the money he owes you or you pay him what you owe him.

Done and done. But of course, you won't do yourself that favour.

Good luck.

I see what you mean. I'm still going through the "disbelief" stage, wanting truth and answers. I will think it through rationally after I get my result. Thanks

[dbxxsk]

You know the truth. He touched another girls vagina. That is the truth... he even admitted to it. THAT is enough for you to have left him so close the door. Tell him your results over the phone after you get the money he owes you or you pay him what you owe him.

Done and done. But of course, you won't do yourself that favour.

Good luck.

Thank you for the harsh words. I thought about it. There's no point in asking him the "truth". Whatever happened happened and that was enough. I should be closing this chapter of my life instead of wasting more time.