Boyfriend has been lying to me for 4 years

[anna826]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and I love him very much. We both recently graduated from college and I moved moved into my own condo hoping that we would finally be able to live together (we went to different universities). Him moving out of his parents house and into my place was a big deal because his parents don't approve of me. He is Indian and I am white and despite being nice and polite to them, coming from a nice family, having a university degree and a successful career, they do not think I am good enough for him. Regardless we both decided a long time ago that we wanted to be together and that we would eventually confront his parents.

After trying to be understanding and setting too many move-in dates to count, only to have him push it back, I finally had enough and told him that it was now or never. He told me that he would move in but that he had to tell me something first. He told me that he had actually dropped out of college in the middle of his sophomore year and had only pretended to be going to school for the last three years. I was shocked to realize how many lies had gone into keeping this from me. He had told me about his classes, we had done homework together, etc. And it was all fake. And he manages to keep it up for 4 years (even his parents didn't know about until very recently).

Apparently for the first two years after he dropped out he took classes at a local community college and worked at a sandwich shop to pay for it, but ended up quitting both of those and hasn't really been doing anything for the last 2 years.

As if that wasn't enough, this isn't the first time something like this had happened. When we were still in college he had told me (for 2 years) that he was living in an off-campus apartment when he really lived at home with his parents. I eventually figured it out after mail I sent to his "apartment" kept getting sent back to me. I forgave him after a while after he promised there was nothing else going on and that it would never happen again.

I feel like an idiot for not seeing what was going on (he is apparently a very good liar). I wouldn't have been mad or upset about either of those two things if he had just told me, I'm a very even tempered and forgiving person and very rarely get angry about anything. He had absolutely no reason not to tell me.

My gut instinct says that I shouldn't be with someone I don't trust, but we have so much history together and I feel like I have invested so much into this relationship, and I still really care about him. And frankly, the idea of starting over terrifies me. And I'm afraid that if we break up I'll just end up going back to him eventually. But this seems like a pattern with him and I feel like I cant believe him when he says it wont happen again.

Has anyone ever been through something like this? Is this something worth breaking up over? Would giving him yet another second chance be totally stupid? What should I do?

[smackie9]

The deceit is one thing, it's what he was hiding is more concerning. He is a quitter, and has no ambition to actually make something of himself. He is a lazy ass loser. He would rather spend a horrendous amount of energy faking it, than actually using that energy to do something constructive/rewarding/fulfilling.

This guy is has the making for a con artist, and it wouldn't surprise me that he takes on a life or criminal activity to sustain himself, by taking advantage of others.

You have no real future with this guy, and with this discovery, he has proven this ten fold.

You are even a bigger fool to think you can make this work. You are putting your own security at risk. You have worked damn hard to get where you are at, why throw that away on this loser. Yes he is a loser. You need to protect yourself and stay away from him.

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To add you should never be involved with someone that has a family that doesn't accept you. Just think it would be like to not be able to celebrate holidays, birthdays, etc. Have your children rejected by his family. When you marry, you marry into their family. You are ripping yourself off not having an extended family that loves you as much as their own son.

[lightstar]

I agree. He is a compulsive liar who do usually make good con artists. You would be crazy to even attempt a future with someone who has lied to you for so long. He wont change and he does not deserve a second chance. Starting over is not that scary. You would be better off alone than with him

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To me it would be far scarier to spend my life with someone that has proven that I should not put any trust in

[Lilly328]

I don't know why this reminded me of "jean claude raymond".

[topazlight]

For two years he never invited you over to where he lived? Was this a LDR online relationship because if you lived in the same city how would you never had been to his place if in a relationship and it took this long to find out he lived with his parents.

To lie to you that long is disrespectful.

I wouldn't forgive that because I would think he has told you much more lies to go with these, lots you still do not know about.

Move on. That is best for you.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with smackie, but with one exception....

I honestly think the lying and WHAT he was hiding are equally damning in this case. Firstly, the fact that he could lie for SO LONG about such a big thing should be enough to tell you he cannot be trusted. This isn't like a little white lie that he was too embarrassed to admit. Like something like "When I first met you, I told you I liked <insert your favorite TV show here> because it was just an excuse to talk to you. After all these years, I'm embarrassed to admit I've never actually seen the show." This isn't just a small little no big deal kind of detail.

This is HUGE and involves him screwing up a future he lead you to believe you two were working toward. Here's the thing... If college wasn't for him, that is fine. If he has no ambition to have any kind of career, that is his decision. Hell, if you'd be okay with living with that, then there is really nothing wrong with it.... AS LONG AS you were actually given the fair opportunity to decide that for yourself. Instead, he lied to you for YEARS acting as though you were building toward the same future together. So, to me, it isn't REALLY about the fact that he doesn't want those things, but more about the fact that he led you to believe for so long that he did.

Had he been honest, maybe that wouldn't have been right for you, maybe you could have lived with it. But, he removed your chance to ever make that fair decision. My case wasn't as extreme as yours, but I actually dealt with something very similar, so I understand how you must be feeling. Let me tell you, coming from personal experience, you deserve better. I understand how hard it can be to want to give up a relationship you thought was so good for you.... but the fact is that relationship was built on lies. That wasn't your fault. Your part in the relationship was based on the truth. It was HE who lied to you. You were not aware your relationship was a lie. It will have to be your decision. If you think you want to still be with him, that is your decision. If that is the case, just please at least do not let him just keep lying to you and just accepting that.

Though, my personal advice would be to end things. If he can lie about such a huge thing, what else could he lie to you about in the future? You deserve better than that. Good luck to you.