Me with GF of 3 years, both in our early 20s. Not sure if this is normal behaviour

[confusedbugger]

Hi guys,

Just a post to get your ideas on whether this relationship is fundamentally going to work out. So my GF and i have been dating for about 3 years now, we met in college as we're both studying in the same course and after the whole initial attraction bit and honeymoon period of a relationship, we started to quarrel about some things as all couples naturally do.

What I would like to know is if I'm being unreasonable and not being open enough to be willing to accommodate my GF or if its the opposite way around. There's probably been about 2-3 major things that we've been quarreling about over the last couple of years.

The first is the issue of her ex. When we first met college, she was dating someone else in an LDR, she eventually broke off that relationship as she felt it wasn't something that she was happy with, i.e the guy didn't put in as much effort as he should have. A few months after she ended that relationship, we started dating and all was well and good in the world. However, about a year into dating her, she started to tell me that when she went back home (we're both overseas students) she wanted to meet up with her ex to see how he was doing as she still wanted to keep him as a friend.

Now I wasn't too comfortable with her meeting her ex on her own given the potential for old feelings to come up, given that she had dumped him over the phone while overseas and they had had a fairly long relationship. So I made the case for her to meet up with him and a mutual friend to try to reduce the likelihood of something like that happening.

I'll add here that I felt that I still felt really uncomfortable about letting her do that but I felt that it wasn't my place to dictate who she does and does not see and I felt that it was part of loving someone to defer to what they want and place their wants above your own. I did share with her exactly how I felt about it all and she said it was a just a quick catchup over lunch to see how he was doing since she felt guilty for dumping him in the way she did and that I had nothing to worry about as she "would never go back to him because she knew what she wanted and it was me". Anyway, the meet up was pretty alright all things considered and she said she enjoyed catching up with what she said were 2 friends and I thought that that was that.

A little later in the year, when we had our first big quarrel as a couple about something I can't remember exactly what now, she messages her ex to talk just to spite me because she knew that I wouldn't be happy about it. When I found out about it, as expected i was less than happy and she realised that it wasn't the best thing to do and apologised to me and asked me to forgive her which is what I did being that I love her.

The next holiday season rolled around and we're back home again and she asks again to see him. Now given her actions in that previous fight, I'm even less willing to let her see him now that I know she ran to him when she was unhappy with me. But she pesters and pleads with me and says that I'm being unreasonable and controlling and I relent with the same conditions that I want someone else to be there and she should ask me beforehand if she wants to meet up with him. She says alright and agrees to it and says they're just meeting up for lunch like the last time round. I message her while they're having lunch to ask how things are going and all and she doesn't reply my messages until the evening where she calls me and says matter of factly that they decided that they were going to watch a movie and "she didnt have time to tell me about it".

Alarm bells start going off in my head and I'm really unhappy about the whole situation. My question to you guys is if its unreasonable for me to feel unhappy and displeased about all this and to expect that my partner should be considering my feelings in this situation given that i've made concessions for her by letting her meet him in the first place. It kinda feels like I got shafted and my trust has been betrayed somewhat even though she claims nothing happened in the movie and she didn't sit next to her ex during the movie.

So after this particular episode, we have another big fight about the whole thing and she finally comes around to apologize but says she can't understand why i'm being all unhappy about it when she says nothing wrong has been done and she has not cheated on me. We agree that after this, she's only ever to see him once per holiday when we're back home, she says thats her way of compromising for me.

On to the next holiday... she sort of sticks to her agreement to see him once and thats during a class reunion for her high school. But just as we're about to go back to where we're studying she says that she hasn't actually seen him and the other mutual friend on their own and wants to go out again. I'm not happy about this because it feel like it goes against the spirit of what we've agreed on. She gets angry over it and says that I'm being unreasonable and controlling and haven't stuck to my end of the bargain and I feel that I've already made the concession for her. We end up fighting yet again about her ex.... whoopee.. such a pain in the butt he is but she says its not about him but rather the principle that I'm controlling who she sees that she's fighiting me about. To her credit she ends up not going after seeing how unhappy I am about it but it kind of makes me feel like the bad guy despite all that. She says that she is only going to see him until he gets attached again...

Alright, next holiday season.. (they're about 6 months apart on average). This one's the good one! When we get back she asks again to see him and the other friend... I say ok because its what we've agreed upon. This time round she says its just lunch but the 3 of them end up going shopping after that for the whole afternoon. I just feel betrayed again and I'm less than happy about it, credit to her that this time around she did message me in the afternoon to tell me that she was out shopping and not to worry but to be honest i dont think it made me any less unhappy or worried.

When I talk to her that night, we argue again and get unhappy about it, I feel like she's not being as transparent as she could be and that she's placed waaaay too much emphasis on meeting her ex. It feels like to me she doesn't really consider my emotions at all and just does what she wants and justifies it with saying I should have more confidence in myself and stop being so insecure about it because i'm the much better choice and she'd never go back to him, she just values his friendship. So we make up and I think thats the end of it since she's already seen him once that holiday season.

But no.. a few weeks later she asks me if she can meet him at his school to show her around the campus as he's moved to a new campus and she's keen on seeing how the place is like. I remind her that its not what we had agreed on but she pleads and pesters saying that its the last chance for that since he's graduating before the next holiday period rolls around. I stick to my guns and say no because I don't really see the point in the agreement if she just does what she wants.

Here's the kicker... One of the days I arrange to meet up with a few of my friends to spend some time together and I have a great day with them. When i get home and call her to see how her day went I get a confession from her that she had gone out with her ex that day to view the campus despite me saying no. She says that nothing happened between them at all and that there was that mutual friend present but at this point I feel that my ability to trust her has all but disappeared. She tries to placate me by saying that at least she told me about it and that is her way of showing that she is trustworthy as she could have easily just not told me about it. So essentially I'm now sitting here wondering what I'm supposed to do, I eventually calmed down and talked it through with her and explained in no uncertain terms how i felt about it all and how her actions have made me lose trust for her.

I decided that enoughs enough and Ive given her the ultimatum that i don't want her near her ex any more and she said she'll take time, a week to think about it. She comes back and says yes she'll try to have 0 contact but she can't understand from my point of view and still thinks im overreacting but "because she loves me she'll agree to my conditions".

Anyway my question is, is this relationship worth salvaging or should I just cut my losses and move on to find someone who gives a hoot. She's my first love and I really cherish a lot of things she does but im wondering if its just me overreacting or if i'm in a shithole but can't smell it. And if it is worth salvaging, where do we go from here?

tl;dr: GF seems to want to meet up with exBF a lot, hasn't been all that aboveboard in her dealings with him, should I give up on her?

[emotionaid]

Hi there,

I don't believe it's unreasonable for you to feel that way. Trust is something that is built or earned. The first time she didn't hold up her end of the bargain created that loss of trust and if she cannot understand that it is not socially acceptable to place so much emphasis on an ex, you need to straight out tell her, it's either me or him and no more exceptions. Once you allow this to happen a few times, you will be taken advantage of. I understand that love is what's keeping you together from your end, but it goes both ways. If she cannot adapt and care about you enough to understand the significance that this issue is affecting the relationship, she either needs to be made aware or move on. Find someone that loves you enough to place you before their ex. Good luck =]

[benfletcher82]

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be unhappy with this entire situation. Having a healthy relationship with an ex is a great thing, nobody's on bad terms! However, she talked to her ex to spite you at an argument. I think she would be equally upset if you started to hang out with your ex girlfriend. I personally see a lot of red flags springing up in which you say she goes against what you have agreed on multiple times.

However, you could meet up with her ex in person with her and get to know the guy. Maybe that will lift your worries a bit. Maybe bring up the entire "what if I had an ex-girlfriend that I wanted to hang out with a lot?" topic. I don't think it's fair though that she dismisses your worries as insecurities and jealousy, you should be able to talk it through without her jumping to those conclusions each time. You're only human after all. Maybe on that note, it's best to find someone who suits you better.

[confusedbugger]

Hi there,

I don't believe it's unreasonable for you to feel that way. Trust is something that is built or earned. The first time she didn't hold up her end of the bargain created that loss of trust and if she cannot understand that it is not socially acceptable to place so much emphasis on an ex, you need to straight out tell her, it's either me or him and no more exceptions. Once you allow this to happen a few times, you will be taken advantage of. I understand that love is what's keeping you together from your end, but it goes both ways. If she cannot adapt and care about you enough to understand the significance that this issue is affecting the relationship, she either needs to be made aware or move on. Find someone that loves you enough to place you before their ex. Good luck =]

I think i've made it clear to her that its driving a big wedge between us in and is really making me lose a lot of trust in her which is damaging our relationship. She has since agreed to not see her ex again but I can't help but have a nagging feeling that she might be saying it to placate me and end up seeing him behind my back again. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure that I can fully trust her just based on what she says at the moment. Any tips/suggestions on how I can get her to show she's making an effort/gestures of good faith?

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be unhappy with this entire situation. Having a healthy relationship with an ex is a great thing, nobody's on bad terms! However, she talked to her ex to spite you at an argument. I think she would be equally upset if you started to hang out with your ex girlfriend. I personally see a lot of red flags springing up in which you say she goes against what you have agreed on multiple times.

However, you could meet up with her ex in person with her and get to know the guy. Maybe that will lift your worries a bit. Maybe bring up the entire "what if I had an ex-girlfriend that I wanted to hang out with a lot?" topic. I don't think it's fair though that she dismisses your worries as insecurities and jealousy, you should be able to talk it through without her jumping to those conclusions each time. You're only human after all. Maybe on that note, it's best to find someone who suits you better.

Well i think part of the problem we've been having is that she is my first person i've been in a serious relationship with while she's had the one prior relationship so I can't exactly make a comparison for her. However, I have brought up the point to her in a hypothetical situation or tried to explain it to her. but in those cases she claims to understand how i might feel but doesn't seem to be able to realise that her actions are hurting me.

[Melo11]

Hard, it's all about time

[lightstar]

This would be a deal breaker for me and I would have ended it a long time ago. She must still have feelings for him and I would be amazed if she hasn't cheated. If hes no big deal and shes not interested in him then why is she allowing him to put a big wedge in your relationship? You should be more important and your feelings should come first but she is putting him first..

I would cut my losses and move on. She is disrespecting you. And its very defensive of her to call you controlling and make you feel like you are the problem when she is the one causing issues in the relationship

[emotionaid]

The only way to get something is to communicate, there are always ways to do things but at the end of the day it simply comes down to expressing how you feel and what you want. If you're both adults it should be as simple as telling them straight.

[basilandthyme]

I could never have a relationship which involved always putting my partner's needs above my own. Instead, I think that a healthy relationship is about balance. Sometimes my needs get prioritised and sometimes my husband's needs get prioritised. It's all about give and take.

I also agree with her that you're controlling. While it's your absolute right to not like what she's doing, it's not your right to place parameters on how she should conduct her life. If you don't like her decisions but she's happy with them, then end the relationship. But don't think that it's OK to place restrictions on what she can and cannot do.

And for what it's worth, if you have a strong relationship then this guy poses you no threat. I mean, she dumped him because she'd lost interest!! It's not as if they were desperately in love and were torn apart. But if you continue pushing your limitations on her, you're likely to push her away.

[confusedbugger]

I could never have a relationship which involved always putting my partner's needs above my own. Instead, I think that a healthy relationship is about balance. Sometimes my needs get prioritised and sometimes my husband's needs get prioritised. It's all about give and take.

I also agree with her that you're controlling. While it's your absolute right to not like what she's doing, it's not your right to place parameters on how she should conduct her life. If you don't like her decisions but she's happy with them, then end the relationship. But don't think that it's OK to place restrictions on what she can and cannot do.

And for what it's worth, if you have a strong relationship then this guy poses you no threat. I mean, she dumped him because she'd lost interest!! It's not as if they were desperately in love and were torn apart. But if you continue pushing your limitations on her, you're likely to push her away.

Well I see your point that you're trying to make and so it's been what I've been trying to do. My absolute position initially was that I didn't want her to see him at all because she said to me that she wanted to check up on him because she felt guilty for dumping him. But because I discussed it with her and appreciated how she felt about the whole situation I decided that I should make a compromise. The problem I guess was that I felt that every time I made the compromise she would push further and further beyond what we agreed on.

While you may feel that a strong relationship prevents any sort of cheating, I feel that the spirit of what she's doing and how she keeps pushing to want to see him and her actions aren't how someone who gives a crap about their partner acts at all.

She might say that she's never going back to her ex but to be honest there must have been a reason she dated him and I feel it's worrying that when we fought the first time she ran back to him to talk... To be spiteful. I'm not sure if I'm being closed and old fashioned but it rally feels like having this door open to her ex leaves a temptation to her when things aren't going well to cheat be it emotionally initially and physically eventually.

[smackie9]

Her feeling guilty for dumping him is a cop out. She ended it because you were available to her and he wasn't, which tells me she still has unresolved feelings for him.

I can see if she met up with him the one time to have proper closure, that makes sense, but to go out on these outings/dates is wrong wrong wrong.

For me this would be a deal breaker, especially if it made me feel uncomfortable and it was at the root of most of the arguments. You feel the way you feel, she feels the way see feels...you both are not on the same page, which means you are not compatible in your views about boundaries.