Hi there,
1) How do I get over these feelings of paranoia that cause me to want to snoop through her email/phone? I don't have health insurance so seeing a psychologist isn't really in my wheelhouse. Will they ever go away?
First of all, the feelings of paranoia is a natural human behaviour basically a response due to lack of trust within the relationship. We are curious creatures and we naturally have a need to get answers, complete things so when you've come across her conversations with her ex, you want to know the whole story and therefore leading to the snooping. Understand that a relationship without trust probably won't exist for much longer. It's a combined effort to make a relationship work not just one side. So the answer to that question is that, if you don't sit down and tell her why you are snooping and if she cannot be honest with you, it won't go away.
2) How do I rebuild the trust lost through snooping? I love this woman more than I ever knew was possible and I can't bear the thought of us not working out. I want to mend things but I don't know how to, other than...don't snoop again. Is there anything I can do to prove that I'm trying? That I want to be better for her?
Rebuilding trust after losing it, is twice as hard but not impossible. If you can explain to her clearly what lead to the loss of trust, then maybe if she is serious and wanting to mend the relationship she will understand to help you in rebuilding it by being open about exactly what has been going on between her and her ex. Communicating the best possible way to mend any situation. By this i mean straight forward talking, not subtle signals, signs or doing things behind each other's backs. Because communication is about getting the message through and if you leave things to be dependent upon assumptions, the message will never be what you intended.
Not as important, but I just need to settle my mind. Would you consider privately corresponding with an ex about your current relationship, personal health issues, etc. as inappropriate? Emotional affair? Neither? I don't feel like I'm nuts on this one but my partner is certainly making me out to feel nuts about it and completely disregarding my feelings about it when I try to mention it. "It upsets me that you're asking [your ex] for help with things and not me." -> "Well it upsets me that you look through my stuff."
We as a community can only provide support as much as we know. Unfortunately without understanding who you are, your interactions or your personality, it is quite difficult to provide exact responses. Every situation can be broken down to find solutions to help mend them. E.g.:
Emotional affair - what you might consider an emotional affair could simply be the interactions between close friends, it differs from one person to another.
Because of your snooping, she has now got leverage to use against you and eventually things that you might raise with her that you're not happy with will be slammed with simply bringing up your snooping. You mentioned that when she found out, she was angry, you mended it and moved on, but know that from that moment onwards her trust towards you dropped.
Your trust issues have developed from previous relationships, however understand that each relationship is new and if you are going to let the past hold you back, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship.
You say that you have been cheated on and therefore you have lost trust in people, but at the same time, what you are doing creates distrust towards you as well.
Love is difficult, but we can make it easier to tackle by supporting each other.
http://emotionaid.org