How to deal with jealousy between boyfriend and his "friend"

[sbuxlovers]

I've been with my boyfriend now for 8 months. While we were seeing each other but before we were officially dating, he agreed to go as a date to a wedding with a girl that he knew from college. I thought it was weird, but I didn't say anything because we were casual and he can do what he wants. Fast forward to the wedding (when we are officially dating, and she knows it), she's posting lots of pictures on Facebook of the two of them with captions that I didn't care for, like how the two of them are the best dates, etc. We have talked about it, and how I'm uncomfortable with the types of things she posts, and how in the future I probably wouldn't like him being some other girl's date to a wedding, and I just let it go. However, she just keeps posting things from this wedding, including one picture where they're dancing together and it almost looks like they're holding hands. He doesn't like any of the things that she posts and, apart from her posting things that "make her think of him" or [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=tbt]#tbt[/URL] to times when they were in college, his Facebook is mostly us, his mom, or his other good (mostly male) friends. I do trust him and I believe him when he says that he has no feelings for her and barely considers her a friend (the wedding date thing was weird, and I could go into more detail if needed), but I don't know how to stop getting upset about these things. I don't want to keep bringing it up because it seems stupid and I feel like it should be resolved by now, but apparently it isn't.

As an aside, I also have close guy friends, but I can't imagine posting things like that to his Facebook wall, in general, but especially not if I knew he had a girlfriend. I have even showed the posts to some of my females friends who I know have close guy friends, and they also think they're kind of weird. I'm mostly here to figure out ways for me to deal with it personally because I don't really think he's done anything wrong or that there's anything he can do to make me feel better about it beyond what he has done (though if there is something else, then I'm all ears).

Thanks!

[emotionaid]

Hi there,

Unfortunately not everyone can be considerate of others or even comprehend what they're doing as wrong. It call comes down to whether or not you want someone external affecting the relationship between the both of you. It is hard to see these things, but he can't really control what she will post on her wall. The more you allow these things to cloud your mind, the quicker it will be to destroy your relationship.

If he does care about the relationship, mentioning that it is uncomfortable is more than enough for him to make his own decisions as to what to do moving forward. If he is serious he will raise the issue with this other girl. If you do trust him and believe in him, this should not be affecting you as much as it should. As long as you know that you are the most important to him, ignore the posts on facebook. Ask him to set his profile up to approve tagged posts before they show up on his wall and that way it's kind of a compromise and if he's understanding he will do at least that much to make you feel better.

Good luck.

[sbuxlovers]

Thanks for the response! That's kind of where I landed. I don't think it should be affecting me as much as it does, but I did talk to him about it. I think he could see why they would make me uncomfortable, but he couldn't really see anything he could do about it, and I don't think he thought they were a big deal (apart from them bothering me). He thinks it's just her trying to make it seem like she has a bunch of close/good friends, which I can see being the case, I just wish it didn't involve me. He did reiterate how important I am to him and how much he loves me and he would to whatever he can to make sure that I know that, so I think I will just take your advice and (try very hard to) ignore.

[benfletcher82]

If I were in your position, I'd be uncomfortable too. I would maybe ask him to tell his friend to calm down with the posts because it makes you, the girlfriend, uncomfortable. It should be a reasonable thing to respect.

Ignoring like another poster said is something you might have to do, even if it hurts. Jealousy is a tricky thing, it can make you into a monster if you don't work on it. Speaking from experience. If you move on from it then it becomes more bearable and over time you don't even notice it.

[Relationship T.]

Your problem is that this woman is basically rubbing it in your face. As far as I can tell, he really isn't participating.

The WORST thing you can do is try to ignore the truth, burying your head in the sand. It is entirely your responsibility on how you handle the actions of this individual considering the "wedding date". The event happened, whether or not someone posts pictures or comments about it. Becoming jealous is a quick way to destroy the relationship. Is it fair to him to have to navigate an emotional minefield? Confront the situation proactively, otherwise it will always bother you. It is a cancer in your thoughts.

I'm mostly here to figure out ways for me to deal with it personally because I don't really think he's done anything wrong or that there's anything he can do to make me feel better about it beyond what he has done (though if there is something else, then I'm all ears).

Each individual is entirely responsible for their own feelings. You have agreements/attachments/commitments to actions, thoughts, or events that preceded this wedding date, that automatically forced you to feel this way. You need to evaluate the agreements/attachments/commitments concerning the event. Then evaluate if jealousy is warranted, moving forward. I'm writing a book and this is probably the most important chapter.

My brief advice is simple: live in the present moment. The past doesn't matter and it sounds like you two get along pretty darn well. Spend your time enjoying his company. Ruminating about the past obstructs the emotional pathway to one another.

Good Luck!
Relationship Teacher

[melancholia]

You should unfriend this girl on facebook, or at the very least, unfollow her. That way you don't have to see her posts and be triggered by her lack of consideration for your feelings and your relationship. It seems clear to me that she is doing this to get attention from your boyfriend, or maybe to create jealousy or hostility between you and your boyfriend so she can proverbially swoop in... but the key point I am reading from your posts is that your boyfriend isn't engaging in this behavior. Without the exacerbated details, it sounds like he brought her as his date to the wedding because it had already been planned; but that he has no desire to continue much of a friendship with her beyond that. Do they spend time together one on one? How close are they really? If you've tried talking to your boyfriend about this, and he has expressed that he doesn't have feelings for her past platonic ones, and that he cares about you and your relationship, then you should hold onto that going forward. He is right that he can't really do anything about her posts, he can't even delete them unless he is tagged in them. Have you tried talking to her about this? You could message her (or talk to her in person) about how her actions are making you feel. Let her know that you think it's inappropriate and that you would like her to stop. If she continues to display this kind of behavior after you've brought it up with her, then you know she's a twat and you can take further steps to block her from your life (i.e. block her from all social media, etc.).

[sbuxlovers]

Thanks again for more responses. I talked to him again today because more pictures popped up - I do have her blocked from my news feed (even when she tags him in something), I mostly knew about it because one of my best friends was like "who is this girl that keeps putting these pictures up?" (side note: I really hate how juvenile all of this sounds). I think I got upset because these pictures look straight up cute/romantic/like they're in a couple. If I saw these pictures with two other people + the way she's captioning the photos, I would assume they were dating, which obviously ticked me off. I know that I have some insecurities because of past relationships, which I do try to acknowledge and get past, but this is such a bizarre thing, that I don't know how to feel besides attempt to just get over it (other side note..I think part of my issue with it is that one of my ex's had a friend, not unlike this, and she would post cute stuff to his Facebook all of the time and, surprise, he was cheating on me with her. I do NOT think that is what's happening here, but I think it's contributing to my (over)reaction).

I have asked him to really talk to her and ask her to stop doing that kind of stuff (I told him to feel free to blame me if he doesn't want to seem like the "bad guy" or something). I don't know her and I've never met her, so I don't know if it's my place to say anything, but if she does keep doing it after he talks with her, then we definitely know what kind of person she is. I know he's not doing anything to encourage it, which is why I feel bad getting so upset over it, which probably doesn't help, so I'm glad you've all let me vent and given me some neutral advice. Thanks!

Edited to add: Him and I are in a long distance relationship (almost bicoastal US, so ~2500 miles), so I think the distance always makes things seem a lot worse...

[melancholia]

I think you're trying to talk yourself out of how you actually feel here. You're not overreacting, you are simply reacting to behavior you believe crosses boundaries in your relationship. Your concerns and anxieties surrounding this are perfectly valid - don't start trying to talk yourself out of how you feel, because if you do that you won't deal with them fully and it will come back to bite you (hard) in the ass. Trust me on that. I think anybody in a mutually exclusive relationship with one person would feel the exact same way you do. Of course it's your place to say something, this is about your relationship with your boyfriend, not her friendship/skewed relationship with him. There are many factors that might contribute to your feelings about this, but don't start thinking it's all in your head or that your feelings aren't valid here, because they are.

Clearly something about their relationship makes you uncomfortable and the only thing you can really do about it is talk to these people. Start with your boyfriend and really hammer home your feelings about it. Who cares if you come across looking like a nag or bitchy girlfriend? You aren't! You are addressing concerns you have with your boyfriend -- if he turns it around on you and makes you feel like you are in the wrong, then he is clearly deflecting and minimizing his behavior and that is unacceptable, manipulative behavior. Even if his intentions are pure, he should take your concerns to heart and take steps to rectify them. He will show you through his actions which relationship is more important to him.

Trust your instincts and don't just let this slide. You have options. You should talk to both of them, but if you don't know the girl well enough to feel comfortable doing that, then you need to address it head on with your boyfriend. Nothing will be fixed if you continue to sit on your feelings and not talk about it.

I wish you the best of luck with this, and I hope you come to a place of peace with your boyfriend.

[sbuxlovers]

Thanks again for that! He did talk to her about it, saying basically that I was uncomfortable with it, to not post coupley looking posts, and that it was important to him because him and I are still pretty new and still working on building trust and that she's not helping. He said she understood. Then within an hour she had posted yet another picture of the two of them with another cutesy looking photo and a cutesy caption. I didn't see it until after him and I had really talked it through so I didn't get a chance to say anything, and I told him why I was so upset in general (the pictures, the way he had been handling it, and then my own issues being drudged back up with my ex that I had thought I was over). Given her actions, I'm just assuming she's a shitty friend. Even if she thought I was completely in the wrong to think the way I do or ask that of him and her, I don't know how you could go directly against what your friend had asked just an hour ago and consider him to be a close friend. Since she has revealed herself to just be a crappy person, I'm going to try to not let it bother me because clearly she's not going to change her behavior. Just wanted to update and thank everyone again for their thoughtful responses and letting me vent.

[emotionaid]

Good on you, don't let her get to you because if that's what she is trying to achieve then don't give in. People who are inconsiderate clearly have yet to develop their
emotional maturity. Just remember she may have the pictures but you have his heart =]

[Wakeup]

He doesn't like any of the things that she posts

Any reason why he can't just ask her to stop posting that sort of thing? What's his excuse for not doing that?

- - - Updated - - -

I was completely in the wrong to think the way I do or ask that of him and her, I don't know how you could go directly against what your friend had asked just an hour ago and consider him to be a close friend.

Because instead of telling her that HE wanted her to stop, he used you as the reason why she should stop.

[TheEvilJester]

Because instead of telling her that HE wanted her to stop, he used you as the reason why she should stop.

Fair enough, and I do agree that could be part of why she continued her actions anyway, but she mentioned that she actually suggested to her boyfriend that he phrase it like that. (Though, on a side note, he should have manned up and not taken that suggestion, instead asking her to stop for him.) Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that was okay for her to do, and I'm pretty sure Wakeup was not either. The point being, she appears to be an immature child who decided SHE'D been wronged by your request where maybe if he had approached it as though HE was asking her to stop, she'd have been more inclined to do so. Then again, who knows? Maybe she would have kept doing it anyway.

I feel like I could not possibly agree with melancholia any more had the words even come directly from me. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I think anybody would. You were right to bring this up with your boyfriend rather than to just bottle it up and hope you could get over it. The problem with trying to do that is it would still continue to bother you until eventually you blow up. When that happens, you wind up over-reacting and looking exactly the way you intended not to look when you decided to just let it slide in the first place. It winds up doing exactly the opposite of your initial intention.

So, you talked to your fella about it in a calm and non-judgmental manner and he did something about it. Good for him. Again, I may disagree with the WAY he did it, but at least he was understanding and actually took action. NOW I think you have the right attitude. He's said something to her. If she continues this poor behavior, that is on HER, not him. If you CAN, I would now suggest just not letting it bother you. ....HOWEVER, that said, if it DOES still bother you, that would be understandable. If that is the case, then that should be his excuse to take some kind of action, which could possibly include removing her from his life. The thing is..... that shouldn't have to come from YOU asking him to do something. He's aware it upsets you, he should consider it a personal offense if she does not respect his wishes. You shouldn't HAVE to feel like you need to nag him to do anything about it.

Let me also say this.....

I think ANYBODY would feel the way you did in the same situation. Add to that the fact that you've had similar experiences in the past where it turned out the fella WAS cheating on you, and of course it is understandable you'd feel this way. So, do not belittle and trivialize your own feelings. You are not in the wrong here. Hopefully her actions cease, or if they do not, hopefully he can have your back. Good luck. I hope it goes well.

[Wakeup]

I'm just saying that If he doesn't like what she posts then he should tell her that HE doesn't like it and leave his girlfriend out of it. By doing so, he will be looking out for the best interests of his primary relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed. I don't necessarily think he was wrong for his approach, per se, since that was even suggested to him by sbux herself. Even so, I still disagree with his approach. The way he went about it could have sounded to this gal like "Yeah, I don't have any problem with it, but it really bugs my girlfriend." Maybe not his intention, but that is how perhaps she heard it. And.... again, that still doesn't make her actions okay.

Instead, he should have manned up and just said it to her in a way that implied "I have a girlfriend right now and I really like her, so this bothers ME. I understand you don't mean it that way, but all the same, I'd appreciate it as my friend if you stopped." Then, maybe she'd have respected that. ....Though, again, a bit of a moot point anyway since it shouldn't matter how he brought it to her, if she were any kind of decent person, she would have understood and complied.