What now?

[lightstar]

I just ended my long term relationship with my children's father over ongoing trust issues and lies. I asked him to stay in the guest room until we figure things out financially. I am not working right now. My babies are 6months and 2years and I know I cannot survive financially alone at the minute. I am scared of a future without him. I loved him with all my heart but the last few years have been dysfunctional, I no longer trust him. He lies a lot about stupid things and I feel like it has become impulsive. He is good at it too. I am usually quite good at reading people and knowing when they are lying but with him, I never know for sure. I am sick of the uncertainty, insecurity and pain. I don't want to do this anymore.

But I also don't want to hurt my children. I am not naive or stupid enough to believe he will change. I know that wont happen so do I just put up with it for my children's sake as they love their daddy or do I leave. He is very good to us in a lot of ways. All my family adore him and think he is perfect but they don't know about the constant lies and all the stress/pain it has caused me. I feel like I am just existing.

And right now I feel like I would be better off alone forever than feeling so lonely with him

Please help

[emotionaid]

Hi there,

Have you ever asked him why he had to mislead or lie constantly about the little things? I think it is quite difficult with young children in the picture. On the one hand it is affecting your emotional health, but on the other there is a risk of your children growing up with an incomplete family. I'd suggest you speak to a professional in terms of counselling to try and figure out what exactly is causing his behaviour. Has he always lied about stupid things or is this a recent thing that he has developed?

[lightstar]

He lies about a lot of small things. The biggest issue for me is porn. I would not mind it so much if he wasn't so sneaky about it but the fact that he deletes things and is shady about it hurts me. It makes me anxious and I feel like I cannot trust him. Porn led him onto a dating site/sex site in the past which he swears he didn't pursue anyone but it caused major trust issues and now the secrecy and the lies are just killing me.

I have asked him to be open about it and honest with me but the way he tries to hide it so much (a daily habit) makes me think he could have a problem.

Before all this our sex life was great. Now it is bad

[melancholia]

Do you get upset with him if he admits he watched porn? You cannot tell him to be honest with you about it and then turn around and judge him or criticize him for it. Why do you have such a huge issue with porn anyway? Do you not understand that porn is fake, and that it's not to be taken seriously? Almost all men watch porn, in fact tons of women watch it too. It can be enjoyable, and an easy way for someone to get in the mood to jerk off (which he is perfectly normal and he is absolutely entitled to do that). I think you need to lighten up a bit and realize that this isn't about you. Your partner watching porn has nothing to do with you and it certainly doesn't mean he loves you less just because he likes to watch porn. Stop with the mentality that he is doing this to undermine you and your relationship, when really he is most likely doing it to get a quick release.

If he treats you and your family respectfully, and he works hard to be a good partner to you and a good parent to his kids, then I think you should consider cutting him some slack. I think if you are able to let go of some control over this situation, you will find a huge improvement in your relationship.

[dontaskme]

Porn led him onto a dating site/sex site in the past....

Porn doesn't lead a guy to a dating/sex site. Dissatisfaction and unhappiness in his relationship do. You need to identify and address the root of the problem.

[lightstar]

It does make me feel jealous 😠 It angers me and hurts my feelings. And I tested him last night by telling him I fantasize about other men just to see his reaction and he really didn't like it so why is it one rule for me and another for him? And I asked him to be honest with me and not hide it from me, just admit that it is something he wants as part of his life and hes not going to stop doing it instead of pretending he will and then I find it again. Plus he deletes it so I don't know for sure if its a regular thing or occasional and I don't believe what he says anymore.

I know its a stupid thing to break up over but it has hurt me a lot over the years and I just feel tired of it

[Relationship T.]

What you need to understand is that your relationship can be rebooted, like a computer. Too often, individuals get so focused on the individual problems, ignoring the underlying issues that led to them. The porn isn't the problem here. The lying or shadow behavior is not the problem. What is missing in your relationship is a healthy emotional backdrop. These problems wouldn't exist if there was (at the moment) a passionate connection between the two of you.

There are a lot of techniques and knowledge to back my advice. The advice is free

Your relationship can instantly be the way it was when you two were dating. Remember how you felt that you couldn't be without him for even a day? He felt that way too. The predominant failure that I am reading is the inability to seize the moment. It is the predominant failure in almost all relationships. There was a passionate connection..... that means there can still be one. Getting to that point, again, requires you dropping your guard and your pride. He may not join you immediately in this quest. But, see it this way, the relationship only has a chance if you live in the moment, not the past. You cannot wait for him to do the same. You have to be the starter, invite him to join you. If he doesn't, then give him unlimited acceptance and forgiveness. His porn habit exists because you are not his habit. All of that crap will vanish when you two reconnect.

I can give you a few of my own experiences and thoughts, as they do relate well. I have a newborn. There are innumerable instances in which we have conflicts, which are only disagreements. They are only a problem if we don't accept the disagreement and fail to continue working together. Last night, for instance, we spent many hours trying to occupy the baby so that he would knock out reliably at bed time... all for 10 minutes of cuddling. Bed time came and baby was not having it. We knew he would eventually though. It became too late for me, and I had to close my eyes. I told my partner to wake me up when baby relaxed/went to sleep. She woke me up for cuddle time. The effort to find time is what makes us strong. That desire has to exist, and any relationship that loses it can instantly rejoin the journey. She was pregnant and figuratively allergic to any sort of touching or romance.

And an example of living in the moment. My partner was upset on Christmas day and practically refused to speak to me. She later apologized with tears - I instantly stopped her. To live in the moment means that she has to not dwell on the past, but also I have to let her do that. I can't hold grudges against her if we both want to make the best of every moment. I don't accept her apologies, ever. They are truly unnecessary. We have a strong connection and it can only be limited or damaged if we live in the past. To live in the moment requires thoughtlessness. Yesterday was yesterday. It no longer exists. We do, however, have this moment. Make the best of it. If you truly grasp this concept, you prioritize the present over a focus on the past. Prioritizing the present means to live it to the fullest. When one lives to the fullest, they aren't forgiving and forgetting, they are giving love. Do that.

If at first he does not participate, accept it. This is the path forward to not only re-kindling the fire, but making it brighter and fiercer than ever existed, yet. I can give a lot more background knowledge and specific tips and tricks.

Good Luck,
Relationship Teacher

[lightstar]

thanks relationship T. After some thought I have realised that it was an obsession of mine to keep looking until I found and I absolutely refused to give up until he just admitted it. Now that he has, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I understand the issue is not porn. The issue was him keeping this a secret from me and trying to hide it.

We had a long talk and I told him as long as its just an occasional thing and not an obsession then I can deal with that as long as he is open and honest with me in the future if I ask questions about anything.

I told him that I am unhappy in other ways and I feel like there is no real connection between us anymore. We love each other but have forgotten how to make each other feel special and have just dwindled into a routine. We really need to work on that and make time for each other.

We have both hurt each other in different ways. I have hurt him with harsh words and criticism while his secrets and lies have hurt me. We need to stop doing that and be a team again. I told him we can try watching it together sometime if he wants and also try other new things. It doesn't need to be a taboo thing he feels ashamed of and feels the need to hide completely.

He finally explained to me why he does it sometimes and I am okay with it now that he admitted it. I just hated the way he would pretend he has no interest in it at all and never watches it. Why lie when it is hurting us both?

[Wakeup]

It does make me feel jealous  It angers me and hurts my feelings. And I tested him last night by telling him I fantasize about other men just to see his reaction and he really didn't like it so why is it one rule for me and another for him? And I asked him to be honest with me and not hide it from me, just admit that it is something he wants as part of his life and hes not going to stop doing it instead of pretending he will and then I find it again. Plus he deletes it so I don't know for sure if its a regular thing or occasional and I don't believe what he says anymore.

Your sex life suffered only after you discovered that he watches porn so that's on you, not him. I suggest that you get some personal therapy to help you to come to terms with the fact that MOST men look at some form of porn and still continue to use it as a visual to masturbate when they are in a committed relationship.

You have trust and jealousy issues that personal therapy will help you with.

You didn't answer Meloncholia's question asking how you react when he is honest with you about it? You say you'd not be so bent out of shape if he was honest about it to you (which makes zero sense, actually) How will you react when he says... "I'm off to rub one out to YouPorn, honey, see you in 10 minutes."

Get the help YOU need to come to terms with your own insecurity, jealousy and resentment. If you dropped that, I think you'd feel a lot less like breaking up your young family.

I know its a stupid thing to break up over but it has hurt me a lot over the years and I just feel tired of it

Why does him looking at porn hurt you? What brings up the emotion?

BTW: You fantasizing about other men and him using porn as A VISUAL to help with jerking off are TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

[lightstar]

how are they completely different? I reacted very calmly when he admitted it today. I just wanted honesty. And I don't expect him to tell me if he plans to watch it. I just wanted him to admit that he does watch it instead of pretending he is some sort of prude. And our sex life wasn't perfect. He never initiates sex with me ever

[Relationship T.]

how are they completely different? I reacted very calmly when he admitted it today. I just wanted honesty. And I don't expect him to tell me if he plans to watch it. I just wanted him to admit that he does watch it instead of pretending he is some sort of prude. And our sex life wasn't perfect. He never initiates sex with me ever

The thing is that he forgets how much he wants to. Every man is best served by feeling as they did that first night that he made love with his wife or girlfriend. Along the way, partners forget how it felt and take for granted that it really could be renewed. I propose that feelings follow actions. It might or might not take convincing for both of you to behave in the way you did when things were amazing.

Relationship Teacher

[lightstar]

I don't believe its fair to say I am insecure and need therapy because I don't like my man drooling over another woman. There are lots of women who are not okay with porn. Should our feelings just be disregarded and us made to feel like we are the problem just because society says so?

I was always told that porn is not something he has ever been into, led to believe that it is not something he has indulged in more than a handfull of times. His dishonesty led to these problems. If he admitted it from the start then maybe I would not find it so difficult to accept now.

And a part of me understands that it is unrealistic to never look at other women again. I just fear that this habit will lead him to cheat on me one day. Porn makes people crave more variety

[Wakeup]

I don't believe its fair to say I am insecure and need therapy because I don't like my man drooling over another woman.

Life isn't fair but you are insecure if photos and or live two dimensional images of other women cause you to want to break up your family.... and therapy would help you with any jealousy due to his two dimensional viewing.

There are lots of women who are not okay with porn. Should our feelings just be disregarded and us made to feel like we are the problem just because society says so?

Yes! Otherwise, you will have a very hard time finding a man that you connect with that never views. Is the male society supposed to stop doing something that they've always done due to some (lots of?) women's insecurities? This isn't like he is replacing sex with you to masturbate to porn. It's more like your aversion to him viewing is causing your sex to dwindle which in turn will likely make him view even more so he can masturbate away his blue balls.

I was always told that porn is not something he has ever been into, led to believe that it is not something he has indulged in more than a handfull of times.

and... you so not know that he is indulging in it more then a handful of times.

His dishonesty led to these problems.

You have made it impossible for him to be honest with you because he knows what a shit storm being honest with you about it is going to cause.

If he admitted it from the start then maybe I would not find it so difficult to accept now.

Sure you would. Don't fool yourself.

And a part of me understands that it is unrealistic to never look at other women again. I just fear that this habit will lead him to cheat on me one day.

Porn is more likely to curtail any thoughts of cheating if you think about it.

Porn makes people crave more variety

I don't know where you're getting your information from but porn will satisfy his need for variety by satisfying that need visually.

I'm not trying to make light of your concerns, I'm trying to alleviate them so that you can view things with a less threatening stance so that you can start to get an emotional connection back with your partner.

Therapy would help; personal for both of you and couples counselling.

Good luck.

- - - Updated - - -

He never initiates sex with me ever

That is not because he watches porn. That is because it's who he is.

How is it different?

Because generally men do not fantasize about the woman they are visualizing about. They don't think about her like you would be thinking about him.

Think about the last erotic novel you read. Did you fantasize about the guy in it or did you just get off reading about what the guy was doing and how you would react to that stimulation?

[lightstar]

He swore he wouldn't do it again but I just said "don't lie, I know you will, this circle of lies needs to end so don't make promises you are never going to keep". I think you are missing the point here that the lies hurt me far more. I found this accidently on his FB and asked him very calmly what is that? And he lied 3 times to my face until one day he asked me to help him with something and after going into the activity log/search history, I discovered that he had been looking this stuff up every day, sometimes 3-4times a day for the past 8months. It had dates and times etc so then yes I was upset because 1. he lied when I asked him calmly has he been looking these women up on FB and 2. It felt like it was an obsession-not a normal habit that most men do occasionally

And that is why I feel he is prob fantasizing about them when with me coz its not like he just looks at it to get off occasionally. He looks at it even when he doesn't plan to jerk off

Now he is telling me that this is the first time in 6months and it was only for 10mins but how do I believe that given his history and over-use of it?

- - - Updated - - -

but let me just add the night I found those dating sites, he swore and convinced me for hours, tried to lie his way out of it, swore it was a friend just messing around on his phone, begged me not to be upset, cuddled me for hours and told me he would never lie or betray me and that I can 100% trust him. Now I know he wasn't talking to anyone on it and didn't have personal details on it BUT the reality is, he proved that night what an amazing liar he is (I got the truth the next morning) and that night I lost ALL trust in him.

Which is why I just got obsessed with the lies about porn. Because lies are a major deal breaker for me

- - - Updated - - -

And yes my self esteem and confidence are f**ked
I feel shattered not because of the porn but because of the failure we are both making out of this relationship and all the stupid lies and fights in the past. I feel broken so now the porn bothers me more than it would have 4years ago.

[Relationship T.]

There are lots of women who are not okay with porn. Should our feelings just be disregarded and us made to feel like we are the problem just because society says so?

I was always told that porn is not something he has ever been into, led to believe that it is not something he has indulged in more than a handfull of times. His dishonesty led to these problems. If he admitted it from the start then maybe I would not find it so difficult to accept now.

And a part of me understands that it is unrealistic to never look at other women again. I just fear that this habit will lead him to cheat on me one day. Porn makes people crave more variety

He was probably being honest about it not being something he was into. Then his perception changed. Porn doesn't make people cheat. The disease (lack of emotional outlet) in the relationship makes people cheat. If he reconnects with you, there will be less/no porn and zero cheating.

Porn becomes a sexual and emotional outlet for men. They have a need, like you do, to expend sexual energy. Porn usage is just a symptom here (like a sore throat).

The loss of intimacy in your relationship leads you both down different paths. In these paths, your behavior is justified by the lack of intimacy.

He lies because he just doesn't want to talk about it. The lie is a hope that it doesn't become a topic. Is he really trying to convince you of anything? Not really. He has to lie because there is no intimacy.

The only way forward is to let him be and let the past stay in the past. If you can bring yourself to doing this, I am glad to help.

Good Luck,
Relationship Teacher