Would you date someone knowing there might be no future for the two of you?

[Partyof2]

Here is my dilemma:
A few months ago I met the most wonderful man. He's intelligent, funny, romantic, thoughtful, and very handsome. We both are very fond of each other, have a lot in common, and find each other attractive beyond words. What's the problem?
For starters, I am 12 years older. Secondly, he comes from a very traditional background and will most likely marry someone from his culture.
I find myself falling in love and I know that he feels the same way. We "pretend" that it's all casual between us but the level of intimacy is nothing like I ever experienced.
At this point, I don't know what to do. Should I keep dating him, get more involved knowing that this might end eventually or leave now and save myself from a huge heartache in the future?

[smarta$$]

It's your heart that's on the line... are you resilient enough to handle a bad ending?

As for me, nope. I've given up the idea that romance is worth certain heartache. I would rather gamble on a better bet.

[benfletcher82]

I personally wouldn't do so, I like to have a sense of security in the future.

If you're able to put that behind and enjoy the nice memories for the time being, then why not do so? If you're feeling doubt however, then maybe it's a sign that you're not ready to handle that kind of heartache.

[TheEvilJester]

It really isn't so cut and dry. It kind of depends. Sometimes love conquers all, sometimes not. If it seems 100% inevitable that there is just no way the relationship could ever work out, then yeah, why even waste your time? However, if it seems like there could really be something there and it isn't necessarily a foregone conclusion that it will just end, why not give it a chance? Why dismiss what could be the real thing just because of things like difference in age/culture/etc?

So, I guess maybe if things seem to be progressing, you two should talk. Determine if there really is a chance of it working even despite these differences. Maybe he is very traditional.... but isn't so strictly traditional that he'd let it control his life. I mean, heck, if he were that strictly traditional, maybe he wouldn't even be dating you in the first place. We can't know that because we are not you or him. So, don't necessarily throw away a good relationship because of a few differences that could turn out to be much smaller than you think. Yet, on the other side of the coin, if it seems definite that it would eventually just end then maybe that is a sign not to even waste your time in the first place.

Good luck to you. It isn't an easy decision you have ahead of you, so I wish you the best in making it. I hope whatever you decide turns out for the best.

[Wakeup]

A few months ago I met the most wonderful man.

You've only known him a few months. Get yourself away from him now before you become addicted to him being in your life. You are playing with your own heart and he will, forget all "intimacy" that the two of you shared the minute he is arranged to someone else. Either that, or he will keep you mired in his bullshit and shelve you while he marries who he is suppose to.

You will spend the rest of your life in the background and alone during all high holidays that he MUST spend with his wife and the mother of his future children. He'll use you for your emotional attachment to him as long as you allow it... even after he marries.

Open up your eyes and WAKEUP. I've just painted your future if you stay with this twit that ingratiated himself in your life knowing that he would NEVER have to be yours. Think about it realistically instead of Ideally.

[Relationship T.]

I began dating a woman that I had no expectations, at all, of having a long term relationship with. It began as me just wanting to find someone. After meeting her for the first time, it was a bit unusual. We had incredible conversational flow, but I was quite unsure how the romantic chemistry would follow. I was just focused on enjoying our time together, even if it didn't go anywhere. She lived far away (35 miles is far away in Los Angeles ) After our first meeting, we went on a very casual date and, again, the conversation was effortless. I was so unsure if she even liked me, but we were having fun. The lunch date turned into dinner, which turned into her leaving well past midnight. At that point, I had passed the point of no return. I credit our relationship going from nothing to something because of my complete lack of expectations. She was everything that I thought would not work with me. I was, in many ways, not her "type". Everything was working against us, but our chemistry easily dispersed all of those obstacles.

I think you can do it. If it doesn't work out, then you will surely get over it and move on. If you are enjoying your time, then go with it. Life is too short.

Good Luck,
Relationship Teacher

[Partyof2]

Thank you all for good advice and sensible responses. It is true that we have only known each other for a short while but both of us can't deny that the connection we have doesn't happen often. Sometimes you just feel it.
I have decided, for the time being, to just go with that. Anything can happen, that is a fact.
But having some life experience behind I will say that it's better to regret what you have done than what you have not.
I know that I am putting my heart at risk but aren't we all doing that when meeting someone special?
All good things in life take risks. I think I have decided on mine.

[Wakeup]

A fool and her heart are soon parted.

Good luck to you and we will be here to listen to you vent your sorrow when he leaves you to marry his arranged bride. The least you could do for yourself that would show you that you have love of self is to discuss his intentions in regards to "his culture" and what will happen to you.

[TheEvilJester]

I actually hadn't interpreted Partyof2's first post the same way, but I could be wrong. Party would have to clarify herself.

Is your fella actually part of a "traditional" background that would include him having an arranged marriage? I hadn't even thought of that, I had merely taken what you said to mean that his family was more traditional and would want him to marry somebody from his background. Kind of like when a Jewish family wants their child only to marry another Jewish person, or a Christian family only wants their child to marry another Christian.

If Wakeup's interpretation was correct, then I would have to say I do kind of lean more towards agreeing with her. If he's already arranged to marry somebody else, or even will be, then how exactly can you be expected to believe you two have any real future? Unless it is his family who is traditional and NOT him and he has no intention of ever going through with an arranged marriage. Maybe that is different IF he makes that clear to you and eventually stands up for his own wishes rather than to string you along just to eventually go through with the arranged situation.

On the other hand, though, if my earlier interpretation was more so correct, then I think you are taking the right approach. Just because somebody is a little more traditional, it doesn't necessarily automatically mean they can't be flexible with it. Even if he IS more traditional, that doesn't automatically mean he'd not marry you just because you don't share his background. So, unless you have any reason to believe there truly is NO WAY it would ever work (again, an arranged marriage being an example) then why not at least give it a chance? Again, though, if it does seem pretty clear cut that there is no way it could ever work, why even waste time? So, two distinct possibilities. Only you are close enough to the situation to know which is the case here, but hopefully we've at least helped you to have some perspective to think it through. Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

Maybe she'll be back to clarify?????

[TheEvilJester]

Hopefully she does, because that could change my thoughts on this drastically. I hadn't interpreted it that way, but if you are correct, then I certainly would lean towards thinking it isn't worth pursuing. Not if he's set in his ways of following through with the arranged marriage situation.