Overly Jealous

[Joanna_L]

Hi
My fiancee is overwhelming jealous!
It's quite annoying...
we actually haven't been together as a couple for long,(yes even though we are engaged) and at first I thought it was cute and funny. But now its like... Really?!
Because he gets jealous of my male cat.. and Brothers! I mean nothing will ever happen between me and my siblings!! Isn't it ridiculous?
I have 3 brothers and a sister. when I talk about my brothers he says the oddest things like "should I feel threatened?" and "why don't you marry him then?" geez
Maybe its because he's a only child and doesn't understand that sibling bond thing. Its different from romantic love. But isn't that obvious? Also because he's quite spoilt by his parents I think he gets upset when all the attention is not on him.
How can I make him feel less jealous of every person/animal that is male??

[Relationship T.]

First, be careful to not feed his jealousy by giving in to his weakness. He does have to overcome this mostly on his own. One major tip I can give is to not react to his jealousy. Just shrug it off. When you don't acknowledge his emotional state, you are making it so that his negativity is not accepted or received. Jealousy is used as a means of control. He wants something and he learned to display his jealousy to get it.

To his questions...... first, replay with a tilted head and a "hrmm?" This forces him to repeat himself, instantly weakening his display. If/when he does continue, reply with:

"threatened by what?"
"marry who?"

if he persists:

"should you be threatened by a cat/my brother?" (you are repeating and rephrasing and replying to show you understand)
"You are asking why I don't marry my cat/brother, is that correct?"

If done with an inquisitive look and no emotions, he will feel ridiculous. This will help him see why his jealousy is illogical.

Hope that helps,
Relationship Teacher

[Wakeup]

Jealousy is not "used as a means of control" it is a feeling evoked because one feels that they do not have any control.

I agree that you shouldn't react or respond to his immature response to you talking about your cats or siblings. Have strong boundaries in place with this one or he will manipulate you through every means of passive aggression (like saying things like "maybe you should marry him then" meaning your brother for goodness sakes) he can muster. He sounds very immature.

I highly recommend that you make your wedding date far in the future until you get to know him better and see what other red flags he will fly. Yes... his immature feelings of possessiveness he is displaying because of you repeating stories about you and your brothers and pets is a red flag.

[Relationship T.]

Jealousy is not "used as a means of control" it is a feeling evoked because one feels that they do not have any control.

Expressed jealousy is used to control the partner into giving less attention to others and more to them. You think this is wrong?

[benfletcher82]

If he's jealous of your pet cat and of your siblings, that's not a good sign at all. You could remind him that you're choosing to be with him and therefore you love him in the most special way, but you might also need to constantly communicate this and make sure it isn't going to be a problem in the future.

I understand guys getting jealous of male friends and even female friends, but if it's of your literal family then that's a new one, sorry. If he gets upset when the attention isn't focused on him, are you going to be able to handle that in the future if you ever decide to have kids when married? Kids take a lot of time and attention.

I think like Wakeup said it's a good idea to extend the wedding date. Focus on eliminating jealousy maybe through healthy ways, focus on getting communication to a stronger level, ask yourself if you can tolerate this if it doesn't improve over time.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I have to tend to agree that I would wonder myself what the Hell is wrong with him that he is getting that jealous and saying things like that in regards to your brothers and your FREAKING CAT. I mean, how the Hell do you get jealous of a cat? I suppose I could understand if it were a jealousy over the time you spend with your brothers/cat instead of him if that were an issue. For example, if you spent a ton of time with your brothers, but then barely ever had any time for him, I could understand him being jealous of that.... but not phrasing it as though you want to marry your brothers. That is kind of sick/inappropriate.

As it is, I would agree with the others. Just don't really react to it. I wouldn't say you ignore it, I wouldn't say you snap at him about it, but I also wouldn't say you actually go out of your way to re-assure him and coddle him. He needs to realize he is being ridiculous and he needs to grow up. As long as you are not giving him any valid reasons for concern, he shouldn't be bothered by this, and certainly not bothered enough so as to say something about it.

I'm also not liking the fact that he can't discuss it in a mature and rational way with you. Instead, he says things to you like "Why don't you marry HIM then" when talking about your BROTHERS or your CAT. What is he, a child? So, agreed with the others. Make it clear to him that he has no reason to be jealous, but also clear that you aren't going to put up with this crap. In other words, sort of dismiss it almost as though it were a joke, but with the implication being that it is silly he'd even worry about that in the first place because he has no reason to mistrust you. Hopefully he can take that as a hint that A) he has no reason to be jealous because you are with him and only him and B) that he is being ridiculous and needs to get over that.

If he can't get past that, then in what other ways could he over-react the further along your relationship continues? Agreed with the others that, if nothing else, this is at least a red flag to watch closely. Good luck to you. Hope it goes well and he realizes he is being silly. If not, I hope you care enough about yourself to realize you deserve better, but really I hope you never even have to decide that.

[Wakeup]

Expressed jealousy is used to control the partner into giving less attention to others and more to them. You think this is wrong?

Yes, without doubt.

[Wakeup]

OP: Why are you engaged if you haven't been dating very long? Is this some sort of arranged marriage or are you just two silly minkys who are not looking out for their own best interests?